


Renegade Shega

by Abstract1106



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Drama, F/M, Romance, shega
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-16
Updated: 2013-01-16
Packaged: 2017-11-25 18:32:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 48,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/641769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Abstract1106/pseuds/Abstract1106
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard came back from the dead and swore to destroy all of her enemies. Will Lt. Vega help, or hinder her quest? M for tons of swearing and *other* reasons.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Incarceration

**Music: _Sober_ , Tool**

**I will only complicate you.**  
Trust in me and fall as well.  
I will find a center in you.  
I will chew it up and leave,  
I will work to elevate you  
Just enough to bring you down.

****For the complete playlist to both stories set up on Grooveshark, please check my profile.****

_Bioware owns these characters._

* * *

****_On board the Normandy, docked at Omega_ ** **

Shepard was bored out of her mind. How long had it been? Three days? Eight meals, so that made sense. She sat in the dark corner of the cot, chewing on her lower lip and counting the seconds.

They kept the crew from her and had her stowed in a storage room, of all places. She had run out of things to entertain herself with already. She worked out every few hours, doing pull-ups on the narrow grip above her and getting creative with the other furniture in the room: crunches off of the cot, some gymnastic moves from a few crates and a shelving unit on the far wall, empty but for her change of clothes. The only time she got out of the cuffs was when she showered.

Her ears pricked; there were voices outside her door. She recognized Anderson's and another, a deep voice that wasn't one of the guards. Feeling pathetic, she looked forward to whatever distraction Anderson had seen fit to bring her. Would it be more MPs? Maybe a Council member to chew out? No, she had promised to be good. Anything to get out of this cell.

The door opened and a soldier walked in that she had never seen before. Her eyebrows lifted and she heard herself say "Mmm-hmm" deep in her throat.

He was several inches taller than her and built like a brick shithouse. If there was an ounce of fat on him, she couldn't see it – and she could see quite a bit, from the way his uniform fit. He was several years her junior; naïve, probably, as most men tended to be until they were much older. Not really her type, when it came down to it. She preferred men who were aged to perfection, with lots of smoothed-over scars.

Like Zaeed. Now, _he_ had been a nice little distraction. He had known how to walk away when things were still friendly, too, a quality she admired greatly.

She noted the black tattoos that started just below the soldier's ear, flowing under his shirt and peeking from around his elbow. He had probably been really good-looking before those scars had made it across his face, but that was just the way she liked it. As if he couldn't get any more appealing, he'd obviously just been in a fight and blood was running down his forehead. Aside from his obvious youth, she wholeheartedly approved.

Good old Anderson. How had he guessed what she wanted? And her birthday wasn't for months.

All this passed in a few moments while he walked into the room and looked around. Just as quickly, she realized that if she decided to pass her time with him the way she wanted to while she was incarcerated, he'd quickly get re-assigned. And just like that, her good mood evaporated.

His searching eyes finally spotted her figure lounging on the cot. "Commander Shepard?" Astonishment colored his voice. He had literally just seen that face on the vidcom back in the bar – right before he'd ripped it off the wall so he could beat a batarian half to death with it.

Anderson walked in behind him. "Shepard, this is Lieutenant James Vega. He'll be your guard from now on." He nodded toward the bleeding man. "You should know that we're headed for Earth. The politicians are demanding a tribunal."

"Oh, come on." She rolled her eyes and breathed out a deep sigh. "How long is this going to take? The Reapers are still coming, you know. I've lost enough time already being dead." Her casual reference made Vega look at her in surprise.

Anderson shook his head. "I don't know. I've resigned my position as Councillor so that I can help represent you, Shepard. We'll figure this out, I promise."

She smiled at him. "Thanks, David. I appreciate that. How long till we get there?"

"Not long. We're leaving shortly. I'll keep you posted." With that, he walked out of the room.

The two soldiers eyed each other speculatively.

Shepard spoke first. "Looks like you were having some fun before you got stuck with this job. Sorry about that."

"No sweat. There'll be more later. There always is." He moved to sit on the crate across from her.

"Got that right. Just hope I won't be cuffed to a drainpipe when the Reapers come knocking. Fucking civvies don't know their asses from their elbows when it comes to war. A tribunal, of all things." She shook her head in disbelief.

"Hey, guard duty doesn't sound like fun to me either, you know. Although," he leaned back and scanned her from head to toe. "I always did want to meet you."

She sat forward, lifting an eyebrow. "Did you, now? Want an autograph, maybe? If you have a marker, I could sign somewhere special." She eyed him up.

So it was like that, was it? This might be more entertaining than he had initially imagined. "That's an interesting thought. What would you write?"

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe something like: 'I'm Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite part of imprisonment.'" She smiled back at him. "Can you think of somewhere that might… ah… fit?"

He grinned, but his retort was drowned out when the Mass Relay klaxon went off. They were on their way to Earth.

* * *

**Earth**

" _This_ is a prison?" James was impressed. Shepard's quarters were on the penthouse level of a posh highrise with a stunning view of the city skyline.

Shepard walked in beside him, scanning the room once and shaking her head. "This is Anderson's doing." He was doing his best to make sure she was happy in this impossible situation, giving her a macho soldier boy for company, plus a comfy room. She'd rather have stayed on Luna or a space station, of course. She got groundsickness when she was planetside too long, what with the stable gravity and variety of spores and so forth. Plus the food... she'd rather have a ration bar any day; at least they didn't give her gas like the rich stuff they ate down here. As it went, though, this wasn't too bad.

"It's good to have friends," James continued. He had to share a room with five other guys in the barracks. At least he would get to spend his days here. As non-combat postings go, this wasn't a bad situation at all.

"I'd rather not spend a single night here if I could get away with it." She missed her ship already.

He looked over to her curiously. She dropped her rucksack on the couch and walked to the bedroom, ducking her head in and back out again. She walked over to the window and looked out. She seemed completely different now than his first impression of her just a few days ago. She was quiet, not joking around at all. Maybe it was finally sinking in.

It was. Seeing the sun shining over the modern human architecture was incredibly depressing. She wanted the stark lines of her sleek ship, the limited view from the portholes. She felt horribly exposed with the enormous window staring her down. In combat, she didn't have time to think about it.

After a few moments of introspective silence, he decided that maybe she was ready for some real conversation. "So how exactly did you get in this position?"

She was just sitting down on the couch with a sigh, stretching out her legs. "You know the story, Vega. I blew up a relay keeping the Reapers from coming through, and the explosion killed a bunch of Batarian colonists. A lot of them." She sighed and rubbed her face while Vega sat down in the chair across from her. "I feel bad about that every day, and not just because it blew up in my face." She looked up at him grimly. "No pun intended."

He bobbed his head in understanding. "Yeah, I knew about that. What I mean is, how did you get to be in this position at all - commander of the Normandy, Spectre, in all of the biggest battles and hardest fights?"

She studied him for a moment. "Why do you ask?"

He leaned forward in the chair. "I've been on the front lines, but I never got to be in the thick of it like you were. I made it all the way through N5 training, too."

She smiled and nodded in understanding. "You want in on the real action, is that it, Vega?"

"Hell, yeah. But it seems like I'm always trailing behind whatever you're doing." More than she realized.

She sat up, squinting at the sunlight coming in from the window behind him. "We all have to do our time, Vega. You've seen plenty of action, I'm sure. And you've made a difference in your time. This is the time for people like us. There will always be a fight on the horizon." She shook her head. "Or right in our laps."

He liked the way she thought about it, that this was their time, but he had been dealt a different hand. Her missions always seemed to succeed; his had... not. "I've heard about your missions third-hand. You've got some real cojones, taking on Saren and the rest." He left the statement hanging, hoping she'd jump in. She didn't, just sat there looking at him. He went on. "I would have gone too if I'd had a choice."

"Would you now." Her face was completely expressionless.

"That's what I signed up for. You don't go through that training for backwater missions. I want the biggest battles, the toughest enemies. I don't do things halfway."

She suddenly understood quite a bit about James Vega, from his appearance to his attitude. It took a lot of work and dedication to be everything he was. He was neither idle nor undecided. It increased her respect for him, but it also increased her wariness of him.  
He noticed her searching look and smiled. "I hope you play poker," he said, realizing it was time to change the subject.

"I've been known to, from time to time." She returned the smile. Vega would be entertaining to have around, for sure. At least she could look forward to getting to know him.

* * *

 _"Get the hell out of here, Joker!" The_ Normandy _SR-1 shook violently as huge sections of the hull sheared off into space. Inside the relative protection of the kinetic field around the cockpit, fires were still burning._

_"No, I can save her! Shit – they're coming around for another pass!" Joker's hands raced over the controls, trying to save enough of the ship to do something. Anything._

_Shepard had known he loved the ship, but he wasn't the commander. It was her duty to go down with the ship if that was called for. "She's already gone! I didn't come out here to hang my ass in a solar wind while you try to play hero! If you think-" An enormous explosion rocked the deck, and Shepard turned to see the Collector's powerful cannon lasing another path through what was left of her ship._

_The force of the explosion rebounded and sent her flying through the kinetic barrier. "Commander!" She heard Joker cry, but it was too late. She careened through what was once the CIC, ricocheting off of floating debris until she was completely spaced._

_Her breath came quickly as she saw her ship falling away from her. It looked like an enormous husk had clawed through it, leaving fiery trails in its wake. Distortions marked where parts of the ship were imploding or exploding, but no sound reached her in the vacuum of space. It was total silence, all but the frantic in and out of her breath, coming more and more difficult…_

_Her crew... how many of her friends had died?_

_A pressure at her back made her realize something was wrong. Her suit had a leak, the air streaming out, sending her flying on a new trajectory like a bullet across the thermosphere of Alchera. She twisted around so that the air would push her to skip off, not burn up on entry, but even as she did so she knew it was too late. Now that she was turned around, she could see that the Collector ship was still attacking. Her air would be long gone before they were._

_No chance of rescue. No chance for payback._

No _, she thought, furious determination coloring her final thought as her sight of the Collector vessel went dark._ It won't end like this, you fuckers. You haven't seen the last of me _._

* * *

Shepard sat straight up in bed, eyes wide. The dawning sun filling her eyes from outside the large window gave her a moment of vertigo. She didn't like the feeling of exposure, the feeling intensified by her nightmare.

The memory was still incredibly vivid. The pain which had preceded unconsciousness, her body contorting and quickly freezing, had blessedly not made it into the dream, but she was remembering it now. She shivered.

There was a knock on her door. It must be time for James to report in. She pulled herself to the edge of the bed painfully, pulling down the hem of her long t-shirt so it covered her upper thighs. She wasn't used to sleeping in a bed this soft, and her back was hurting. She called out permission to enter as she stood up, flipping the covers of her bed back and walking to the bathroom.

James walked in as she made her way through the room, staring as she walked past the glass wall with miles of leg showing. "Good morning," he said. She grunted in reply, shuffling into the bathroom without looking at him.

He had a book in his hand which he set on the coffee table. He had begun bringing her books once he knew the type of stories she liked; murder mysteries, mostly, but only with plenty of action.

A few minutes later, she emerged from the other room, showered and in uniform, her hair tied back in a low bun. He never got tired of seeing her walk toward him with that smile on her face; he just wished he didn't suspect it was because he was the only relief she had to the boredom.

He pointed to the book. "Found this in the used book store down the street."

"Thanks!" she said, taking it and looking at the title. "Oh good, this is the next in the series." Turning back, she settled down on the couch to read. "Make yourself at home," she said idly, waving her hand. "I just want to check out the first chapter."

He sat across from her, watching her read. He had spent most of the morning in the gym like usual, but he was mostly tired from last night. After he had left here, he had gone out with a group from the barracks. Two of the girls had latched onto him, but he just didn't feel it like he used to. He kept wondering what Shepard was doing, how lonely she must be up here with no one to talk to.

There was a little guilt, too, for being able to go out when she had no choice, especially when her imprisonment was so patently unfair. She'd been stuck in here for more than a month now, her only relief when the tribunal wanted her for questioning.

Shepard pushed a loose strand of hair behind her ear and tucked her legs underneath her, smiling at the page. She had originally professed not to like reading, but with the lack of anything else to do she dove right into whatever he brought her.

Finally, she nodded and set the book aside. "Looks good. Thanks, Vega."

"It's no trouble." Aside from how out of the way the store was where he'd finally found the book she wanted, of course. But she didn't need to know that.

"My dad used to bring me books like these when I was little. He liked mysteries too. Mom didn't get it, but then, she was way more career than he was."

"What happened to him?" James asked. "I hear about your mother in the vids."

"Washed out. Couldn't keep out of his subordinate's pants, mostly. But there was some drink involved too."

"Not too different from mine." James said, looking at his hands. "My dad hated the military though. I think that's most of the reason why I joined up. Didn't realize it at the time, but I wanted to set myself apart. You know, do something big with my life. Not stay in the same place, doing the same thing until I'm dead."

She breathed out sharply, almost a laugh. "I hear you. There isn't much I wouldn't do to show him what he missed out on when he left."  
Now, that was an interesting piece of information. Not wanting to push her into clamming up again, he changed the subject. "Poker?"

"Not right now." She settled back, then looked up at him again. "I hope this doesn't suck for you too much, sitting here with me all day, every day. I'm not too interesting right now."

"I don't mind." He said. She had no idea how wrong she was. He was fascinated. She rarely spoke about her past, even though he was dying to know about everything she'd done and seen. Plus, she seemed so… normal. Could this person really be a hero for the entire galaxy?  
"Is there some way I can get to a gym? I'm going to run a groove in the carpet soon." She asked.

"I'll ask Anderson." He said. He liked the thought of taking her out, even if it was just to the base for a few hours. He tapped out a message on his omni-tool.

Before she had finished reading and eating breakfast, he had a reply. Anderson sent a car to take them to the base.

They walked into the base gym with no fanfare. The guard at the entrance greeted Vega by first name, shaking his hand before buzzing them in. Shepard made her way to the locker room and changed into shorts and a workout top before coming back out and looking around. "What first?" she asked Vega, who was waiting nearby.

"Up to you." He gestured to the room.

She started with a few laps around the track, relieved at being able to really stretch her legs. Vega stood by and just watched. Another regular at the gym walked up, taking a slug from his water bottle and wiping the sweat off his face.

"What's up , Vega? Why aren't you working out?"

"I'm on duty right now." He said, not looking away from his charge's running figure.

"Who's that?"

"Commander Shepard."

The other soldier looked with interest. "That's her?" James nodded.

She came off the track and jogged over to Vega, breathing quickly. "You think someone would spar with me?" She said, stretching her legs.  
The other soldier's eyes lit up. "Hell, yeah! Let's go."

Vega almost objected, but they were already off, making for the ring on the far side of the gym. He followed behind, getting there just as Shepard was finishing taping her knuckles. She popped a mouthguard in and leaped energetically over the ropes.

"You sure about this?" Vega asked, leaning on the corner piling.

She rolled her eyes. "Chill out, Mom. I won't hurt him too bad." She grinned around the piece in her mouth as the challenging statement reached her sparring partner, just climbing in.

He nodded, shaking out his arms and assuming a boxing stance. "Oh, really? You better back that up, lady."

She laughed, copying his stance. "Get real, kid. Don't you know who I am?"

Vega leaned forward with interest as they approached one another. This was a far cry from the clinically bored person he'd come to expect. Perhaps this explained it, though.

Her opponent approached and took a lightning-quick swing, which she easily evaded, hopping back on her bare feet. She had a huge grin on her face as she dodged his next few kicks and punches. He swung up with his left fist, leaning to the right, and she grabbed his arm, doubling it back on himself as she kneed him in the sternum before flipping him over. He lay there, dazed for a moment, looking at the ceiling.

"Come on, kid. You can do better than that. Stop trying not to hurt me. I can take it." She taunted from a few feet away, pounding her chest with her fist.

He leaped back up, a serious expression on his face. She nodded. "Now we're talking."

Vega spoke up. "I can't take you back black and blue, Commander. Why don't you just-"

"If I wanted your opinion, I'd ask for it. Quit pussying up and let me have some fun," she said, locking eyes with her opponent and moving forward.

He waited for her to make the first move this time, dancing around on his feet. She shadowed a right hook, kicking him in the ribs when he fell for her feint. "Come on, kid," she said again. "Show me what you've got. I've fought husks who had more strategy than you."

He growled and stepped back before mimicking her last move, feinting and kicking with the other foot. She ducked and grabbed his foot, pulling and twisting. Next thing he knew, he was on his back again.

A small crowd had gathered as word spread that Commander Shepard was in the ring. When she dropped her partner for the third time, another man, larger, asked to spar her next. She agreed readily, just getting into her groove.

This one landed her a hit in the gut that took her breath away, and she laughed as she stepped back. "That's what I'm talking about! Let's go!" She leaped back into the fight with even more power, cutting his cheek with her fist and kicking him in the knee to drop him before using a left hook to almost lay him out.

He eventually crawled out of the ring, but she was more hyped than ever. She was feeling her muse in force, missing the field and the excitement of battle intensely.

"Anyone else?" she asked, arms wide. "There's gotta be one person here who can give and receive."

Someone spoke up. "Vega, you go in there. Show her what you can do, buddy!"

Vega was shaking his head, saying he was on duty. Shepard walked over to him, taking out the mouth guard. She was sweaty, happier than he'd ever seen her, leaning on the piling toward him.

"Oh, you know you want to." She said, drawing out the word. "You never really know someone until you fight them."

She couldn't have said anything that could have tempted him more. The others cheered while he ducked under the ropes, kicking off his boots and taking his shirt off. Someone handed him a fresh mouth guard and he turned around.

She was eyeing him frankly, a huge crooked grin on her face. "Let's go, big guy," she said, popping the guard back in her mouth and hopping from one foot to the left. She'd obviously had some experience kickboxing, but he had a lot of experience in the ring. If nothing else, this would be interesting.

She came out of her stance to feint to the left, her knee extended, darting back when he responded. She was testing his reflexes, figuring him out. He stepped in like he was going to swing a right hook, moving his left arm up into position. When she responded to the double feint, he hit her with the right hook as planned.

Her head snapped off to the side, carrying her body with it. Without missing a beat, she used the momentum to land a kick that almost knocked him off his feet.

She landed lightly on her toes, blood coming from her lip. She blinked her eyes to clear them and smiled. "Now that's what I'm talking about!"

"What, are you a pain junkie?" James shouted over the cheering crowd, coming back to center. She was vital, alive; it was like being in the presence of some cosmic event that he couldn't escape.

"You haven't seen anything yet. I get my kicks in all kinds of weird places." She whipped her body down, scissoring her shins to his neck as she flipped over. The move was so totally unexpected that he stumbled to the side. She spun out, knocking him over and flipped back on top of him as he lay there, pushing off the floor with her hand and landing with her elbow to his throat.

She smiled down at his stunned face. "Thanks for not holding back. That's the first time I've felt alive in more than a month."

He'd never been taken down so quickly, but for some reason as he looked up at her, dripping blood and sweat on his face, he found he didn't mind at all.


	2. Demoted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Alliance takes the Normandy from Shepard and demotes her. James tries to comfort her.

**Music: _Change (In the House of Flies)_ , Deftones**

**I've watched a change in you**  
It's like you never had wings  
Now you feel so alive  
I've watched you change

_Bioware owns these characters_

* * *

**Earth Alliance Headquarters**

James waited outside the tribunal meeting room for the end of the session. They'd been in there longer than usual.

The door burst open and Shepard walked stiffly out. Her jaw was clenched, breathing hard out of her nose. She kept walking without waiting to see if he was following, and he had to hurry to catch up.

Anderson was close behind. "Shepard, I'm so sorry, I tried everything I could, but they just…"

She held up a hand, not turning around, shaking her head tightly. "Can't listen to this right now, David. Just… don't even try to explain."

He grabbed James' arm before he caught up with her, holding him back. He spoke low and fast. "They took the _Normandy_ and stripped her of her rank. She's not in a good place right now. Be careful." He met his eyes and James knew that he was warning him to be gentle with her, not that she was going to hurt him. He nodded brusquely and jogged off to catch up with her.

They rode back to her quarters in silence, then shared a tense elevator up to the penthouse. She walked into the apartment and began pacing rapidly in front of the window.

Her thoughts were running tight loops, going to a very dark place. _My ship, they took my ship. My home. I have no home. I'll never get off this planet. I have nothing, nobody, trapped, imprisoned, stuckstuckstuckstuck…_

She filled with anger and fear and helplessness to the breaking point. She gripped her hands into fists and roared in frustration, dropping to her knees and pressing her forehead to the floor. She couldn't breathe… wrapping her arms around her midsection, she moaned into the plush carpet.

Strong arms lifted her onto her feet and pulled her close. She gasped into his chest, saying her ship's name over and over. It wasn't her beautiful quarters, or even who was in the crew. Her ship, her life, her mobility, her source of passion, was just… gone. It was incomprehensible, like losing her arms and legs.

She laughed humorlessly and pushed away. "Guess I know why the colonists on Feros refused to leave now. That never did make sense to me." She sat down in the corner of the couch, facing away from the window. She didn't want to see the revoltingly beautiful day outside.

James sat down next to her. "Tell me about it."

She didn't look at him. "We killed the Thorian, who was using mind-control on them. It was incredibly traumatic for them, being controlled like that. I couldn't understand why they didn't want to leave and start off somewhere new. But they refused to leave. They said it was their home." Her voice cracked on the last word.

He nodded. Then he asked her, "Want a drink?"

She nodded. He poured them both a glass of whiskey from the sideboard and brought them over, sitting next to her again. She cradled it in her hand for a moment before drinking about half of it at once. The warmth traveled down to her stomach, loosening the knot there just a bit. She leaned her head back on the couch. She sat like that for a few minutes, not talking while the drink did its work.

Eventually, she tilted her head toward him. "I'm surprised I didn't completely lose it in there. Even when I cut ties with Cerberus, I wasn't that angry… but I was running pretty high right then. There's no comparison. And _they_ didn't take my ship." She finished bitterly.

"How did that go down?" he asked. She had refused to talk about her past missions until now.

Evidently she didn't care if he knew anymore. She remembered that day clearly...

* * *

**Six months earlier, near the center of the galaxy**

_The crew cheered as they raced away from the exploding Collector Base toward the mass relay. Out of the whole crew though, no one was as elated as Shepard. She had brought everyone back alive, and at the same time utterly destroyed her sworn enemy. She'd made good on her promise._

_All those human colonies were safe now. There were a few crew members below with families that had been at risk. It felt good to know that she'd made them all safe. The risk had been worth it._

_"That's right! Payback is a_ _bitch_ _!" She shouted at the viewscreen as the enormous base blossomed into fire._

_Joker laughed with her, though he was a bit startled by her outburst. She had acted strange ever since Cerberus had brought her back, but it was understandable from a certain point of view. She was still a fearless leader, and she still made sound tactical decisions. It was obvious that her priority was still saving lives, her choices always leading to the right consequences. But the way she talked now made him think that whatever had happened to her over those two years had given her a vindictiveness that she had never had before._

_Seconds after they passed through the relay, EDI reported in. "Commander, the Illusive Man would like to speak with you."_

_She smiled wickedly. "I'll just bet he does." This was going to be good._

_A short while later, the Illusive Man was giving her an almighty dressing down through his cowardly entangler field. She nonchalantly looked at her nails as he finished his rant about humanity and_ _blah blah blah..._

_"Your short-sightedness has cost us a lot, Shepard. That technology could have been the difference between winning and losing against the Reapers, and you and I both know they're still coming. You're to report immediately to-"_

_She decided she'd had enough. "I don't take orders from you. I never did. I never had any intention of leaving a single Collector or a piece of their technology intact, not for you or humanity or anyone else. Get used to it, asshole._ _I used you_ _. You can take your agenda and shove it."_

_She left the Illusive Man sputtering his selfish idealistic dreams into dead air as she stepped off the grid. Cerberus had offered tempting resources in one hand and a knife to stab her with in the other, but she'd seen through it from the beginning. They had had no idea who they were dealing with._

_Miranda stood just off to the side. "This is unacceptable, Shepard. You're standing on a Cerberus ship. Cerberus brought you back to life. I'd think that you would at least…"_

_"Go fuck yourself, Miranda. I'm tired of hearing a Cerberus lemming mouth off about everything I do on my own ship. EDI, lock her out of all systems. She's getting dumped at the next port. Oh, and cut any feeds currently transmitting to Cerberus too. It's time to clean house."_

_"Yes, Commander." EDI's voice came over the speakers._

_Shepard smiled as she walked toward the armory. She'd made a good friend in EDI, no doubt about that. She had lots of unexpectedly loyal friends because of this mission. But it was her own doing, not a gift from Cerberus._

_Garrus was in the hallway, looking amused. "I've been waiting to hear that for six months, Shep. I gotta tell you, it felt good."_

_She grinned at her old friend. "No joke. I'd love to go right back out and pick a fight with something nasty, but I'm thinking Alliance will be after us soon if we don't report in and say we're available for duty. They won't like it if we go rogue in this baby."_

_"True enough. I think I'd like to be dropped at Palavin, if you don't mind. I'd like to visit my family for a while after that mission."_

_"Sure thing. Gotta ditch all the Cerberus personnel too, I suppose, but I'll take care of that on the Citadel. Can't fly her with no crew. But I'll be glad to get that mass of pyjaks off my back." They shook hands in congratulations, then laughed and embraced instead. She was glad she had her best friend here to share this victory with._

_Shepard was feeling really good as she walked to the lift. Not that she had held back her thoughts with the Illusive Man over the past few months, of course, but telling him to get bent once and for all had been downright therapeutic._

_Destroying the Collector Base, though… that had been_ orgasmic _. As she rode the lift up to Deck 1, she felt a fresh tingle all the way to her toes as she remembered the sight of the outside shell of the enormous base warping, then imploding on itself. She laughed out loud as the door swooshed open._

_She jogged into her quarters, dropping her helmet on the floor on her way to the terminal. She grinned as she tapped out a quick message:_

Anderson, Citadel Council Chambers

David,

The Collector Base is history and I've broken ties with Cerberus.

On my way back to the Citadel now. Send instructions on how Alliance Command would like me to proceed. I want back in.

Shepard

* * *

She sighed, finishing telling her side of the story. "Didn't do me any good in the end. Got arrested as soon as I reached Alliance space."

James was impressed. She'd told the Illusive Man off _and_ stolen her ship from them. No wonder she was attached. "I wish I'd been there."

She looked at him sideways before finishing off her second glass of whiskey. "You wouldn't have liked serving on a Cerberus ship. I didn't. Rubbed me the wrong way the whole time. If it hadn't been for the Collectors… but they got theirs." Her final words had a sharpness to them that indicated deep hatred.

She turned around and looked out the window, resting her head on the back of the couch. "I don't like being groundside, but I appreciate this place for what it represents. My parents were born here. My father is here, somewhere. "

"Why hasn't he ever come to visit? He has to know you're here."

"Fuck if I know. Story of my life." She didn't seem inclined to elaborate, so he let it go.

He looked at her until she turned back to him. They looked at each other for a minute in silence, then she reached out and ran a finger across the scar on his face. "I'm glad you're here, James. This assignment can't have been easy for you. We're so alike."

He held her hand to his face. "Lola," he said.

She moved away. "Why do you keep calling me that?"

"My best friend's sister in high school. She always got into fights. She was hot."

"Did she win?"

He smiled and leaned closer. "What do you think?"

"Don't even try, Vega. I don't need this right now." It had been a mistake, touching him like that. She'd been tempted so many times, but had resisted. She was definitely having a weak moment.

"Okay, I don't get it. Why not?" he asked her.

"You're a little young for me, Vega." Romance was simply an irritation she didn't need right now. She was better off just keeping their relationship platonic. Better for him, too. But she'd seen the signs from him that this was coming, and she knew that she'd had to quell her own impulses when he was around, more often than she'd like to admit.

He was shaking his head. "You're seriously going there? I'm only five years younger than you."

"I didn't mean chronologically." She sighed. The hurt that passed quickly over his face only proved the point. "I am not the kind of woman you want to get tangled up with, believe me. And I don't need romantic bullshit in my life, not now or ever."

He leaned forward, close to her face. "It could be different than you think. It could be fun."

She looked at him sadly. She'd have to nip this in the bud right now, and she knew that it wouldn't be easy for either of them.

Sitting up, she swung a leg over his lap and grabbed his hands, guiding them to her hips. He squeezed her gently as she leaned in, loving her response. His head rolled back onto the cushion behind him as she lowered her face to his shoulder, her hand curling around the back of his neck, and lightly skinned her nose from his shoulder up to his ear. He had an earthy, musky scent that told her she wouldn't tire of him quickly, and her hands agreed. Her hot breath electrifying his skin, she whispered into his ear, "James, you don't look like _fun_ to me. You look like a _permanent_ _distraction_. I can't afford that right now. I may never be able to. "

That wasn't even the half of it; he was all-night conversations, hiding in corners to make out, and a host of other potentials that she didn't want to get into. Ten years ago, maybe... but he had still been in high school then. So there it was. Better to stick with her fly-by-night friends with benefits, which made it so easy to get back to business.

She moved her face in front of his suddenly wide eyes. Lightly running her fingertips across the scar that ran from his nose almost to his ear, her favorite feature on him, she continued to whisper, this time against his lips. "If you're smart, you'll find a nice groundhog to have babies with and leave me be. I am nothing but _trouble_ , believe me." She kept her face there to see the shock, dismay and anger sweep across his face that she'd known would follow, his hands sliding off of her legs. She forced herself not to shy away from it.

She breathed in deeply; she could taste his sweet breath on her tongue. She wondered if his mouth tasted that good, then decided not to torture herself about it. The whole thing was impossible. She sat back, running her hands over his shoulders and chest one more time, drifting down to his stomach before sighing deeply in regret.

She smoothly slid off of his lap and walked to the window, cracked it open and took a cigarette from the little box under the ledge. She didn't often smoke, but she felt like having one just now. She lit it and took a drag, but her other hand was shaking, so she put it in her pocket. She sat down on the sill, one foot touching the floor.

The sun was setting, shocking streaks of purple and yellow coloring the horizon. It was only okay, as sights go; she missed seeing the stars shooting through the endless darkness of deep space from behind a small porthole. Living like this was making her a little agoraphobic.

James, still sitting on the couch, felt like he'd just been run over by a truck… an incredibly hot truck that knew just how to touch him to drive him out of his mind. For the first time, he began to think that Shepard was _way_ out of his league.


	3. Earth and Palaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Reapers invade Earth and the Normandy makes a trip to Palaven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I know that in no way is Ashley a lesbian in the series, but she just wrote herself like this. It came fully formed out of the ether as I wrote. It wouldn't have worked using Kaidan, he didn't have the personality for the relationship described in the following pages. So take it with a grain of salt and understand that I have given her a different set of motivations. That is all!

**Music: _If You Fear Death_ , One Day as a Lion**

**I'm the crescent, the sickle, so sharp the blade**  
I'm the flick of the shank that opened your veins  
I'm the dusk, I'm the frightening calm  
I'm a hole in the pipeline, I'm a road side bomb  


_Bioware owns these characters._

* * *

**Earth Alliance Headquarters**

James had come to collect her for something urgent, something not having to do with the tribunal. People were running around the building like something serious was going down. She ran to keep up with Vega, having a pretty good idea about what was going on. Anderson filled her in when they met up, Vega trailing behind with an ear out for details.

"There's something coming, Shepard. Something big."

"Fuck. I knew it. We aren't even close to prepared, David. Shall I go ahead and practice my too-little-too-late speech?"

"They're just scared, Shepard. They haven't seen what you've seen. You know more about this enemy than anyone. You've faced down a reaper. Hell, you spoke to one – and then you blew the damn thing up."

"Doesn't help us now." Politicians ruined everything. All this time, wasted.

They walked into the hallway preceding the meeting room and Vega put his hand out. "Good luck in there, Shepard." He said. Their eyes met and she nodded. Could be the last time she saw him, if they gave her ship back. A shame. She'd gotten used to him decorating her room, trying to cheer her up.

"Anderson." A familiar voice said. The three of them turned and saw a pretty girl in blue armor walking toward them. She saw Shepard and stopped, shock on her face. "Oh, um, I didn't realize that-"

"That I was on Earth, in jail? Get real, Ash. Not unless you live under a rock. And from the looks of it, you don't." Shepard eyed her up and down, finally resting her eyes on her feet. "Seriously? _Heels_ on your armor?"

"What?" Ashley Williams said defensively. "I can still fight in it."

Shepard just shook her head as Anderson said, "Lieutenant Commander, how did it go in there?"

"Just waiting for a decision. We'll see what they say to _her_. Guess I'll know soon enough."

"The Reapers are coming, you know. Put on some real shoes before you twist an ankle and fall down a flight of stairs." Shepard said. There was some unresolved business between the two of them that had obviously not gotten any better.

"Bitter much, Shep? You know I look good."

"Only when you're not wearing a costume. Or anything at all, when it comes right down to it." She pointed look she gave Williams had James coughing to cover up a surprised laugh as she turned and walked into the meeting room.

"Bitch." Ashley muttered, her face red. But her tone belied other feelings.

"You know the Commander well, I take it?" James asked, wondering how much Shepard's comment had been hinting at.

"You figure that out all by yourself?" Ashley said. She turned to the Lieutenant and looked him over. "Hmmph." She turned and walked away, a clear case of sour grapes. "Come on. I've been told to take you with me." She called over her shoulder.

* * *

**Tribunal Meeting Room**

"You brought me here to confirm what you already know. The reapers are here." The murmurs of surprise made her shake her head. "We've wasted all our preparation time with this tribunal jackassery. We need help, and lots of it!"

Before anyone could respond, the window went dark and a several reaper destroyers lowered into her view, landing a distance away.

"Get down!" She screamed, diving for cover. Anderson immediately complied, but the most turned around to look out the large window. A destroyer's laser cannon lit up, casting a faint red glow across the room. The concussive blast blew Shepard back into something hard, knocking her senseless for a few seconds, a deep boom reaching them a moment later. Forcing herself back into full consciousness, she fumbled around to find out which way was up again, finally rising to her knees. She shook her head.

Dimly, through ringing ears, she heard David's voice calling her name. A hand pulled her arm until she was on her feet again, still unsteady but pulling herself together. She and Anderson made their way out of the building, checking for survivors as they went, but finding none. After locating a small weapons cache, they fought a few husks and cannibals; nothing they couldn't handle. The biggest fight was the internal one, watching their home planet being invaded. Shepard had rarely been to Earth, aside from her training periods and of course the last six months, but it still pissed her off.

She'd warned them. _Fuckin' civvies aren't worth the trouble sometimes._ Even as she thought that, she knew it wasn't fair. But the extent of her bitterness over this turn of events was deep and well-founded.

A part of her was relieved, though, if she were being honest with herself. The fight was back on, and she was in her element after months of frustration. Being able to run, to kill her enemies, to feel the sting of returned fire made her heart pound with excitement. She couldn't deny that it felt _really_ good. If only it hadn't happened like this.

Reapers were everywhere, blasting into the building they were trying to escape from. Without her armor Shepard felt incredibly vulnerable, especially scaling the rooftops like they were. An enormous reaper landed in the bay just beyond them and began laying waste to the opposite shore, destroying a dreadnaught. The concussive blast blew the front off of the disintegrating building they were climbing down, and she slid several stories to the ground.

Without wasting a moment, she hopped to her feet, taking the first few steps carefully in case she'd broken something. She and Anderson then ran to the water line, with fire and fallout raining all around. They found a radio to contact the _Normandy_ and gave them their location, then held the line for a few intense minutes against repeated cannibal attacks.

 _Nothing good ever came from a Batarian_ , Shepard thought as she sent a combat drone into the pack. _Those things just prove it._

They finally saw the _Normandy_ sweeping in like a vision from heaven. Elated to be boarding her ship again, Shepard took a flying leap into the open cargo hold where it hovered a few feet away. Inside, she could see other soldiers, Ashley and James Vega among them. Turning back to Anderson, she called out, "Come on! Let's go!"

To her surprise, Anderson shook his head. "No, Shepard!" he shouted back. "Get to the Citadel and get all of the support you can, then come back. I'm staying here." He tossed her a set of dog tags. "You're reinstated as of this morning. Now go!" He ran in the other direction.

She watched him for a few seconds, then backed off as the door closed, the surface of Earth rapidly dropping away. "You heard him. Let's move!"

Vega came charging up to her. "We're _leaving_? How can you-"

"Stand down, Lieutenant!" Shepard commanded. They had become very buddy-buddy while she had been in lockdown, but he needed to know he was on _her_ ship now. "I don't have any problem going on suicide missions, but only if they'll actually accomplish something. It's not time for that yet. We're going to get help and then we're coming back, like Anderson said."

"Fuck that, he wouldn't order us away. This is _loco_! We need to go back, to f-"

She got right up in his face. Despite the fact that he towered over her, he backed away a step. "That's enough! I don't want to leave either, but there are things we have to do first. Grab a bunk and settle in. If you don't want to stay, you can catch a ride back from the Citadel."

Joker's voice came in over the comm. "Got a message coming in from Hackett. It's pretty distorted, but EDI's trying to clean it up. Sending it your way."

Shepard walked to the terminal, ignoring James' roar of frustration as she punched up the message. He'd have to deal with it by himself. Commander Shepard was no nose-wiper. She had her ship back and a war to fight. He'd shape up or he'd wash out, as many had before him.

Hackett was ordering them to Mars… where she would see an old friend. "Suit up, guys. We have a quick stop to make."

James took the next hour during their flight to Mars to calm down, to mentally prepare himself for the fight. Checking his armor and weapons usually did the trick, and this day was no exception. Eventually he decided he would just talk to Shepard about it later, that way he could just focus on the mission. That was the immediate thing, and James Vega was all about the present moment.

Ashley walked up and leaned against the shuttle in her form-fitting armor, studiously ignoring James where he loomed on the other side of the doorway. He wondered what was up with her jealous attitude. It's not like the Commander did more than idle flirting with him, and whatever had happened between her and Shepard was obviously way over. He couldn't help taking a jab at her.

"So _Ash_ , how long have you known the Commander?" He asked.

She glared at him. "Why are you talking to me like you know me, meathead?"

"Because it makes you show your bitch, Ash. Maybe you shouldn't make it so easy for him." Shepard walked up, loading her rifle. She motioned for them to enter ahead of her and James settled in to pilot them to the surface of Mars.

A part of Shepard was ecstatic to be in action again. Being on her ship again, in command no less, was far more than she'd hoped for when she woke up this morning. In fact, she'd stopped hoping for anything for a long time.

Seeing James in full armor for the first time, she got the feeling that he was always going to end up on her team. From the very beginning she had felt way too comfortable talking to him, which lent itself to the kind of forced intimacy that long-term missions with a small team provided. That thought brought her to the uncomfortable presence of Ashley, who obviously was considering James a threat. She couldn't figure out why; did she think they'd get back together, after what happened after Virmire? Good soldiers shouldn't be delusional.

At this moment, Ashley spoke up. "I don't like this, Shep. Going into this with no Intel, you haven't seen action in six months and who knows what his deal is," She jerked her head toward the cockpit. "The situation is far from ideal."

" _Ideal?_ " Shepard looked at her like she was crazy. "Earth just got invaded by Reapers and you're wondering if I-" she pointed at her chest, "have lost my edge, and about his service record? If anything, I should be wondering how the hell it is that you got _promoted_ for sitting around and decorating your armor while I got arrested. I bet there's a hell of a story behind that.

"So how about this for the situation: I was born ready, so was James, and you'll follow my goddamn orders when we get there without all the paranoid bullshit."

Ashley shook her head. "You've changed. Hell, it might not even be you in there. I can't help but wonder if Cerberus-"

Shepard interrupted, stepping so close that Ashley backed up. "I told Cerberus to go fuck themselves - literally. Do you want me to say the same to you?"

Ashley didn't say anything, just turned away with an expression of doubt still painted across her face. In the cockpit, James smiled in satisfaction.

* * *

**Three days later**

James was still pissed, checking his gear with angry, abrupt motions. His work table was a mess and he had no patience to clean it up right then.

He had really gotten to like the Commander over the last few months, but the last few days had shattered all of his illusions. Leaving Earth, getting chewed out in front of everyone, and then the way she hadn't let him fight on Mars, taking instead the one who accused her of colluding with Cerberus.

Though Ashley'd gotten some karmic backlash big time with that cyborg in the end. He _almost_ felt sorry for her.

It also didn't help that he knew Shepard was probably right about it all. He couldn't fault her for following orders, but she was _Shepard_ , for fuck's sake. He'd imagined that she could tell the brass to go piss up a rope from time to time. Especially now that she had her ship back, the command line weakened to the breaking point, he'd assumed she'd just do whatever the hell she felt like to win against the Reapers. Hell, she was even a Spectre. James wished she'd act like it a bit more.

But she hadn't. She'd followed orders like a good girl. Instead of rushing into the battle with all guns blazing, she had them running all over the place collecting resources like it was a new hobby. Where was the fun in that? It was like he'd stepped out of the real world and into some crazy alternate universe.

Their brief stop at the Citadel had shown him how precarious their position was. Seeing the bright, clean Presidium for the first time had turned his stomach. No way were these soft bureaucrats gonna understand what was going on on Earth. It had been just that, though, that had convinced him to stay on the _Normandy_. Since Shepard was dead-set on collecting resources from all over the galaxy, she was probably going to some pretty rough places. He had a feeling that these people would double-cross her in a second.

He was still pretty disappointed with the first days of his TDY on the _Normandy_. The most action he'd seen, aside from a few Cerberus kills and a shuttle crash, was when she agreed to spar him. He hadn't ever seen her as hot as she was down in the cargo bay, bleeding from his fist. He smirked, thinking about the fat lip she'd sported the next day. What a woman. She reminded him of an older girl at his high school who kept getting into fights, Lola. He'd called Shepard that, and she seemed to like it. Didn't help with how disappointed he was with this turn of events. He was definitely conflicted when it came to her.

At least they were on their way to Palaven, which was also being pummeled by the Reapers. But they were only there to rescue one person, a _politician_ no less. He was surprised she hadn't learned her lesson on Earth, so there must be a good reason for it that he wasn't privy to. Maybe after they finished there, he'd finally get some answers.

* * *

**Palaven: Menae**

Palavin was glowing in swaths of burning red as Cortez stealthily flew them to its moon, Menae. Shepard found herself wishing that wherever Garrus was, he was okay. A look at Liara told her that she was thinking the same thing. They landed in sober silence, clearing the landing area of husks before Shepard ran up to a Turian soldier to ask for directions to the command post.

Despite the sight of Palavin burning overhead, it felt good to fight alongside Turians again. The human prejudice against them for what was really just a misunderstanding, and one decades old, had always bothered her. They worked well alongside humans since then. It was just unfortunate that so many of her own kind held grudges.

Shepard was glad that she didn't. Cerberus didn't count. Or the Collectors. Well... no grudges in _this_ case, anyway.

They fought their way to the base, the adrenaline giving her a rise like it always did. Sprinting for cover, tossing grenades down the rock face, watching husks burst like popcorn… it was great to be back. This kind of thing wasn't Liara's strength, but she was still a solid fighter and kept up with them just fine. James howled and raced after her, obviously enjoying himself too. She liked fighting with him already; it was rare to see someone get as charged up as she got in a firefight.

As she stepped through the barricade onto the command post, she looked up to the burning planet hanging in the sky above them and tried to send Garrus good vibes, wherever he was.

They found General Corinthus in one of the prefab shelters near the center of the base, hunched over a terminal readout. "Commander Shepard! They said you'd come, but I didn't believe it."

"I'm here for the Primarch. We're trying to put together an alliance to fight the Reapers." Shepard said, getting right to business.

The General shook his head. "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but his transport was shot down not too long ago. He was… a good friend."

"I'm sorry for your loss. But that's all the more reason why we need to band together and drive the Reapers back where they came from." Shepard spoke passionately. "Who is next in line?"

"The line of succession is very clear," the General said. "But our losses have been heavy. I'm not sure who's alive or MIA."

"I can help with that." A familiar voice said from behind them. The other Turian saluted Garrus as he walked up the ramp into the shelter.

"Garrus!" Relief washed over Shepard. "You're alive." She reached out a hand to him, which he took in both of his. They looked at each other for a moment, Shepard finally breaking into a smile she couldn't contain. Seeing him there gave her a sudden feeling of invincibility, as if the universe had been spinning wildly but was now put to rights.

She motioned James forward. "James, this is Garrus Vakarian. He helped us stop the Collectors. He's a hell of a soldier."

The two shook hands, Garrus wondering if they had cross-bred a krogan with a human to produce this one. Then he greeted Liara and turned back to Shepard, answering her question from before. "The next in line is Victus."

"That name has come across my desk." Liara spoke up. "He's known for results, but not well liked by command."

Garrus nodded in agreement, still looking at Shepard. "He tends to play loose with regs. Sometimes he pulls off risky maneuvers, and you know how command feels about that."

She sure did. Before she could reply, James said, "Sounds like one of our people. I like him already."

She looked quickly at the Lieutenant. That had literally been what she was just thinking. James shrugged, thinking her wide eyes were a reprimand.

"Where can we find him?" Shepard began, turning back to the task at hand. But before Garrus could answer, Joker came over the comm.

"Commander, we have a situation. The ship is shutting down and turning on systems randomly – and EDI's not responding!"

"Shit. We need you standing by in case we need to bug out, Joker. Liara, go back to the _Normandy_ and see what you can do to help." Liara nodded to Shepard and ran off.

They were about to depart to where Garrus had been fighting alongside Victus that morning when Corinthus reported an enormous wave coming in. "We can't lose this position," Garrus said. "Come on!"

They ran to the barricade, where a turret waited. Delighted at the chance to use heavy equipment, she leaped up to it with a cheer as the first wave came streaming down from the sky and began to mow them down. She heard James echo her cry, tossing carnage into the pit beneath them, and behind all that racket, Garrus was announcing headshots with his usual flair.

Shepard hadn't had this much fun since before the Collector Base. The husks didn't stand a chance against their firepower; they never even got close enough to use their considerable melee power. Then a fireball landed that shook the barrier, a huge beast roaring from inside as the smoke cleared. Whatever it had once been, it was a monster now. It tore at the barrier with tremendous force, knocking her out of the turret and onto the ground below.

She heard her team cuss and shout her name as she rolled and ran for the nearest cover, pulling out her Mattock rifle. She popped her head up once, long enough to send out a combat drone, only to see the juggernaut charging her. She bolted out of her cover and made for the next one; the beast, too large to change directions quickly, skidded against the rock outcropping, sending pieces of stone flying. The brute was tough, but once her team made it to where she was the three of them quickly pulled it together, whittling down its armor.

She whooped in satisfaction as it roared its farewell. "Now we're having fun!" She shouted. She slapped palms with Garrus. "It's good to fight with you again. And you seem to be keeping up, James."

He gave her a sardonic look, standing as he was with husks all around his feet. She just laughed and turned to the south. "James, is that you breathing so heavy?"

"The atmosphere is a little thinner than I'm used to. I'll be alright. Adrenaline is better than oxygen any day."

Shepard shook her head. That was so like him, to say just what she would have said. The second time today, no less. She'd long thought that you never really got to know someone until you've fought alongside them, and James was certainly proving that.

They headed south from the base to where Garrus said he had last seen Victus. The going had been mostly quiet, the only action they saw was a few straggler husks and one Turian fighter crashing a few feet from them. James decided that now was as good a time as any to get some answers.

"Hey Lola, you really think this alliance is going to work? The Turians and the Salarians, the Asari, okay… but what about the Krogan and the Batarians? Where's the _meat_?"

Garrus answered. "The Batarians were hit first and are in no mood to play nice with anything the humans do, thanks to our fearless leader." At this, Shepard tossed him a semi-serious dirty look. "The Krogan we'll have to see about, but they don't have good relations with the races that inflicted the genophage on them."

"We've got to try, James. Working together is the only way to have a chance." Shepard said, sliding down a hill towards the camp, which they could finally see ahead.

"I don't know. When I think of those husks running all over New York, I wish I had never left." James said.

"There was no way to prepare for this. We just have to do our best." Shepard didn't want him to start getting down. He was turning out to be a great team member. He fought beside her and Garrus like he'd been doing it all along.

As they walked up the final incline to the camp, Garrus signaling a hold-fire, she looked across at James. He was indeed breathing heavy, his bulky armor lifting visibly as he trucked up the slope. He looked over at her just as she flicked her eyes up and down him with a little smile. She jogged ahead, leaving him to wonder what that had been all about.

Garrus heard her approach. "It's really good to see you, Shep. Sorry it had to take the Reapers to get you out of lockup."

"Thanks for writing, Garrus. It meant a lot to me to hear from you. Not many did."

"Of course. You've always been there for me, so it's the least I could do. I would have visited if it had been possible. Have you heard from Tali?"

She shook her head sympathetically. "Not since Earth. I get the impression she's pretty tied up with the Quarian government now, and you know how they are about aliens."

Garrus breathed heavily. "Yeah."

She grinned and put her hand on his shoulder. "You'll find each other again. I'd bet my life on it."

"Small comfort. You'd bet your life on a varren match if it gave you a thrill." Garrus waved at the guard to open the barrier.

"You know me well!" Shepard laughed. Then she looked up at Palaven and shook her head. "Why do we only meet at times like these?"

"Because we're the kind of beings that live on the crest of the wave, Shepard. We're the first to crash on the rocks."

She cocked her head to the side as they passed through the gate. "Why, Garrus, that's almost… poetic."

"I've been reading a lot. Tali secretly loves the arts, you know." Garrus raised his arm and pointed a tapered finger ahead. "That's Victus. Come on."

Shepard waved James forward, who had been lagging behind. The way she touched Garrus made him think they were _very_ well acquainted. In fact, it seemed like she'd allow herself to get close to just about anyone… except him.


	4. Conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James sees many facets to Shepard, which only make her more compelling.

**Music: _Whatever_ , Godsmack**

**I don't need to fantasize.**  
You are my pet all the time.  
I don't mind if you go blind.  
You get what you get until you're through with mine

_Bioware owns these characters_

* * *

**Sur'Kesh**

The lift door opened. In the middle of the platform, a bomb flashed its last second of the timer and exploded.

Shepard, having taken point, took the blast full in the face. She was saved by her substantial armor, but the blast knocked her cold and tossed her far back down the long room, sliding the last ten feet or so. Her team tore after her, Garrus reaching her first.

"She's just unconscious." He applied medi-gel, then looked anxiously at the quarantine lift which was carrying the last immune, fertile krogan female to the next level. "We have to get up there, fast."

James picked her up and threw her over his shoulder. "Then let's go! She'll come around."

The two of them took the other lift to the next level. She began to regain consciousness just as he stepped off the lift. "Wha- am I upside down?"

Garrus laughed. "Good thing you brought along your krogan team member. I'd have had to leave you behind."

James was setting her on her feet, keeping his hands on her waist until she was steady. "Take a minute to come around. We got this, Lola."

She leaned against the wall as her head stopped ringing. Medi-gel was some good stuff; she didn't know how people fought before they had it. Bled out a lot, from what she knew. She pulled her pistol out and readied it, but counted to ten to make sure she was truly okay before joining the boys, who were tearing up the place from the sound of it. This would be a really stupid time to get hurt.

She stayed near the back of the team, throwing in combat drones and turrets for support and picking off enemies with her modded Shuriken. The two of them had the situation well under control, and before they had moved up two more floors she was back in the game.

"Thanks, guys." She said. "It's good to see you two working together so well."

"You earned a breather after taking a bomb to the face like that." Garrus said.

"You took a missile in the face. So now we're even."

"True, but you don't have any pretty scars to show for it." Garrus teased, knowing her attraction to the battle-torn.

James turned and looked over his shoulder at her as they ran up a flight of stairs. "Into scars, huh Lola? I have a few you haven't seen yet, if you're interested."

She laughed, but Garrus said in a surprised tone, "Really? I thought that you two had at least-"

Just then, a shudder went through their feet. They all looked to the hallway ahead of them and saw a yahg tear through the wall, roar and race away from them without noticing them standing there. The three of them froze until it was gone, then simultaneously _whooshed_ in relief before continuing forward.

"There goes the next Shadow Broker," Garrus said.

"That was close. Well, at least he'll clear the way for us." Shepard commented.

"I could have taken him." James said.

The other two just looked at him incredulously before he broke out in a grin. Shepard punched his arm, shaking her head before gesturing for them to move out. "Arrogant bastard." She muttered.

"You know it. Wouldn't have it any other way though, would you?" When she didn't respond, he just laughed.

At the top of the next flight of stairs, an Atlas dropped on the outside ledge. It immediately targeted Shepard and fired a missile. James watched as she turned, skidded across a crate and landed in cover, the missile whistling inches from the top of her head. Garrus pummeled its canopy with his sniper rifle while James looped around behind it to pound it with his shotgun at close range. Shepard overloaded it over and over, finally switching to incinerations when the armor began to crack, popping it with her Mattock between charges. The Atlas finally exploded, knocking James on his ass and scorching his shield.

They boarded the shuttle and headed back to the _Normandy_ , leaving the Salarians to pick up the pieces. The krogan female was quite a sight, with her shaman getup and regal attitude, James thought; Wrex had definitely met his match with her.

Shepard was far more involved with talking to Mordin, the Salarian that had joined them. "It is _so_ good to see you. I wasn't surprised to hear you were Wrex's mole. Will you be able to stay with us long?"

"Only until Tuchanka, Shepard. Must formulate a cure and arrange for distribution. Plus, female krogan needs monitoring for health. Stay with her as long as she needs me."

She nodded. "I understand. It'll be good to have you with us for a short time, anyway. Perhaps we could have dinner tonight?"

"Must stay with krogan in med bay, to monitor condition, as I said. But, join us there and we can talk. It is... good to see you too." He set his hand on hers and they smiled at each other.

Garrus looked at James, who was watching this exchange with a disappointed look on his face. He leaned closer to speak quietly. "I get left out of those invitations a lot too, you know. And I'm supposedly her best friend."

James, realizing he'd given himself away, decided to go to the cockpit to talk with his old friend Cortez. Garrus watched him go, wondering what was going on with them. He had known Shepard for a long time, and had seen her breeze through several lighthearted alliances with crew members, and one explosive one. Whatever she had going on with this one was something he'd never seen before.

* * *

_**Normandy** _ **Armory**

Garrus and James laid out their weapons immediately after disembarking the shuttle and began to disassemble them. For backup weapons, they let the machine do the cleaning, but primary weapons were still kept the old-fashioned way. Shepard had taken hers up to her room like she always did, having to work on reports at the same time. They both agreed that they didn't envy her the extra work.

"You did good down there today, Vega. Cerberus showed up in force, we lost our prize varren for a few minutes, but we still pulled it out. Impressive, considering this is only the second time we've fought together."

James twisted the barrel of his shotgun off and pushed a rag down the empty shaft. "It went pretty well. I'm used to fighting in larger squads, but I think I like the smaller teams better, especially for the kinds of missions this ship goes on."

Garrus shook his head. "It's more than that, you know. We've seen a lot of squad members come and go on this ship. If Shepard thought you wouldn't cut it every time, she wouldn't have taken you out twice."

James nodded. "I suppose so. She doesn't have much choice at the moment though, and Liara is always caught up with her Shadow Broker thing."

"Not quite what I mean, but that's okay. You'll see. I like that you've restarted the crew poker game. In the SR-1, we played in the mess hall. Every room was taken by someone, and the bunks were full. This ship is much bigger."

"Really? I thought it was supposed to be an exact replica."

"The Illusive Man likes to improve things. What little the Alliance left us with is still much nicer than what we had before - although if it had been in dry dock for a little longer, they probably would have taken care of that too."

James snorted. "Ya got that right. Those _pendejos_ love to make fighting ships as little fun as they can. But," James grinned across at Garrus, "we always find a way to make it happen. Gotta be resourceful out here."

Garrus laughed. "Some things are true no matter what the species. We Turians make fight rings on our ships. When two soldiers are having problems, they are _required_ to fight it off. My commanding officer once ordered me to blow off steam with a fellow female soldier who had been giving me trouble. After a dozen rounds and no winner, we took it to my quarters and settled things amicably." He chuckled.

"Now that's a command I'd love to follow." James bounced his head in amusement. "My little setup here is pretty unusual." He gestured to his gym across the cargo bay. "If Williams hadn't ordered me to pack up and get on the _Normandy_ the morning Earth was attacked, I wouldn't even have that. I'd hate to start wasting away."

"That's hard to imagine." Garrus said. He considered James for a moment as they worked in companionable silence. "What's going on with you and Shepard, anyway? I've never seen her treat someone like she treats you. Did you piss her off on Earth or something?"

So it _wasn't_ only him that noticed. "Only if you think keeping her company every day and trying to cheer her up would piss her off." He shook his head. It was a mystery to him. "But I could ask you the same thing. Seems like you two know each other really well."

"True. We've known each other for a long time, through two wars and two lives, for her. But there's never been anything but friendship between us. I've been with Tali'Zorah vas... well, vas _Normandy_ now... almost since the first day she came to us. I haven't heard from her in several months, what with the war and the way the Quarian fleet has been hiding out. But I know she's waiting for me."

James had stopped working and looked at Garrus in surprise as he finished his little revelation. Then he shook his head. "Then I _really_ don't get her at all. Shepard, I mean."

The two kept working in silence for a long time. But if Garrus could have smiled, he would have.

* * *

_**Normandy** _ **Crew Deck, Port Observation Lounge**

As Garrus mentioned, the Alliance had done what they could to harden the comfy edges of the _Normandy_ , but they hadn't had time to take out the fun stuff. She had a dedicated card room – a first in James' experience. Cerberus may be unholy bastards, but they knew how to put a ship together.

James was up in the game as usual, Garrus and some of the armory team seated around the table with drinks. A low haze of smoke hung over the table, despite the ventilation system; the room had already acquired the homey stink of a settled game when Shepard walked in.

"Shepard!" Garrus exclaimed, holding a hand up in greeting. She ignored the open chairs and walked over to the Turian, sitting down on his bony leg without a qualm.

"What's going on here, Garrus? You letting the rookie take advantage of your handicap?" She winked at Vega from across the room. She asked the Engineer to her left, Donnelly, for one of his little cigars and lit it before leaning back on her friend, her arm slung around his armored shoulder, one foot up on his knee. Garrus' scaly hand looped around her waist, reaching under her arm to adjust his cards in the other hand.

"Just lulling him into a false sense of security. You playing?" Garrus asked.

"Not right now. I have a few things left to do tonight, but I wanted to take a little break."

Garrus called the bet and sat back, waiting for the others to make their choices. He looked over to the woman on his knee. "Gonna share, Shep?"

Shepard took a deep drag and leaned her head back, blowing the smoke into Garrus' open mouth. His mandibles fluttered as she smiled up at him. The others at the table snickered, but James felt a shot of jealousy run through him, startling him out of his poker face. "Isn't that toxic for you, Garrus?"

Garrus laughed, blowing out the smoke. "Not any more than it is for her. The dextro-amino thing doesn't work the way most people think it does. Besides, I don't know why, but when she does that it tastes like candy. Are you in or what?"

"In, definitely in." He added a chit and tried not to think about why it bothered him. Did they have to be so… familiar? It hinted at past intimacies, battles that had worn away the social veneer until there was nothing left but the real deal. He was impatient to earn it with her, but she held him at arms' length. There were far more frustrations to serving with her than he ever expected. "So what are you working on, Commander? Any interesting missions coming up?" He was shuffling the deck expertly, not looking at her.

"Tuchanka first, then a stop in the Citadel. Gotta talk with Aria and run a few errands." She kicked back a shot of tequila.

"Yeah? Anything you need me to do?" He wondered if he'd be able to go along. She was so lucky that she got to go on every one.

"Just keep looking pretty and be ready to kill some krogan nasties. Nothing you can't handle, Vega."

He grinned at her flirty comment, dealing the cards. Then he caught up with her comment. "Wait, Aria? The one from Omega?"

"One and the same."

"What's she doing on the Citadel?"

Donnelly spoke up, his thick Scottish brogue twirling around the words. "Evidently Cerberus raided a while back. She had to evacuate. Now she's taken over the best bar in the presidium, Purgatory."

Damn. She was one of those people he'd tried his best to avoid, and Shepard was getting mixed up with her? Well, she could obviously handle it. She didn't look perturbed about the prospect at all. "Have you dealt with her before?"

"Sure. Same as dealing with any other criminally-bent psychotic. Don't make any promises and don't take them to bed." The men around the table laughed at her comment as she poured another shot. She held out the bottle. "Anyone else?"

"Thought you had to work?" Garrus asked.

"Fuck it. It can wait until tomorrow." She was enjoying this rare relaxing moment too much to walk away and answer messages on her terminal, alone in her room.

She didn't play, but she stayed on and told stories with Garrus, taking a shot every now and then. She filled in a little more detail about Feros than she had given him back on Earth, with Garrus adding his perspective. The two of them were obviously very close, but after what Garrus had said the other day, he wondered if she had been with anyone since Ashley. If not, it must have been one hell of a breakup.

Shepard was truly happy for the first time in ages. Now that she had Garrus and Mordin here, her crew was developing the feeling of family. She had to own to herself, too, that it was partly because of James. She'd grown accustomed to his company on Earth, his jokes and catch phrases, his barely concealed adoration for her. What woman wouldn't enjoy it? Especially now that he didn't try to make it anything more. He'd learned his lesson the first time, though he still flirted.

She was not into relationships at all, not after the shit that Ashley had pulled. She'd never seen a grown person pitch a fit like Ashley had after Virmire. Survivor's guilt was predictable, but the way she'd reacted was way out of line. The choice hadn't even been made because of their relationship, but Ashley accused her of having a bias toward her. Ashley was big on accusations, and her attitude had worsened from there. She'd gone from irritating to illogical in a disturbingly fast PMS-ey kind of way.

Remembering this almost made her miss Kaidan, but all she had to do was remember his reaction to Wrex gunning down Fist on the Citadel to make all of the annoyance she had felt about his constant prissing off come rushing back. The sight of his surprised face, squealing _"Oh, my god!"_ in the back room of Flux when Fist hit the ground still made her smile in amusement. The man should have been teaching biotic preschoolers somewhere, not fighting on the _Normandy_.

 _Bullshit drama. The_ Normandy _isn't a soap opera, and if I have my say it never will be again, s_ he thought.

They hadn't made it to Ilos before Ashley had been banned from her quarters. Women could be so _bitchy_ when their feelings were hurt. It's part of the reason why she preferred men, or women like Jack. Jack had had a surprisingly vulnerable side to her, but even she had known where to draw the line. People that lived like they did didn't need the drama. Relationships were complicated, and when you have your life on the line, complications can be dangerous distractions.

Shepard only needed to learn a lesson once; it was why she had survived so long. No romance on the battlefield, which in turn meant to avoid men like Vega (the keeping kind) like the plague. She hadn't had a choice in company on Earth, so she made do. It was better than nothing. Not that his company was something she hadn't wanted underneath it all, of course, but still.

She could have requested another guard, but something stopped her from requesting someone else. He was just so fuckin' cute, and not just in looks, that she could never bring herself to do it. It had been hard enough to deflate him that night when he asked her out.

Seeing him in the cargo bay the other day, working out though… she pushed it out of her mind. He was right across from her, and if she wasn't careful, dwelling on that sight might send her sliding across the felt table top into his lap, chips and cards flying everywhere. The man was sex on wheels.

That thought was enough to make her decide to leave the room. She'd had enough to drink. She rose from Garrus' lap, ignoring the ache in her leg from where his armor had made her go numb. "Well, good night, boys. It's been real." They called out their parting shots as she left, deciding to break up the game. She made it as far as the lift before having to stop and lean against the wall, dizzy. How much tequila had she had? She wasn't twenty-five anymore. She'd have to be careful from now on.

She pushed the button to call the lift. The door slid open and she stepped on, pressing the button for Deck 1 just as Vega walked on, pressing the button for the Cargo Bay. He looked over at her as she swayed with a little smile. "You okay there, Lola?"

"'M fine." The lift stopped and she took a step, then had to press against the door to regain her balance.

"Doesn't look like it." He took her elbow and led her out of the lift.

"I got this, Vega. I don't need a guard anymore."

"I'm not guarding you, I'm helping you. That's what friends do." He looked around curiously as they entered the large cabin. "Nice. So this is where the magic happens."

She laughed, a short bark. "Just a little sleight-of-hand these days." She collapsed into the bed, which didn't appear to give much at all. She didn't seem to mind, just pulling the covers over herself, fully clothed, and tossing her hair tie across the room.

James pulled her boots off and kneeled next to where her face was, already peaceful. He touched her face for a moment, a stroke down her cheek, before beginning to rise. As he did, he noticed a few objects on her side table: a scorched and battered N7 helmet and a framed set of dog tags, equally damaged. They had her full name on them.

"Fuck me." He muttered. Were those what he thought they were?

"Yes." She said quietly. Evidently she hadn't been asleep. She had twisted her head up to look at him. "They're from the SR-1."

"You keep these by your bed?" He asked, surprised.

"It's a reminder. I've had to make a lot of tough choices. Choosing who lives, who dies. But that was one time I wasn't given a choice." She sighed, turning onto her back and looking up at the starfield above her. She had missed it so much while on Earth. "My body was laid out like a science experiment for two years. Somehow, I'll make them pay for it."

He looked at her curiously. "Don't you want to live?"

"I want to win more." She said it so softly that he almost didn't hear her.

He nodded. "Yeah, I get that."

She turned her head toward him again. "Do you?"

He looked at her there, sprawled on her bed, sleepy eyes shadowy in the dim room. Her hair was loose and spread out around her head. He touched the soft tresses as they looked at each other. He nodded.

"Don't." She whispered.

He laughed. "Wasn't going to, Lola. No worries. But," he rose and began to walk away, "one day, you're going to ask me to."

He was gone before she could think of a retort.


	5. Blown Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard loses a friend on Tuchanka and gets taught a lesson by James.

**Music:** _**Goodbye For Now** _ **, P.O.D.**

__**I don't know what time it is**  
or who's the one to blame for this  
Do what I believe, what I can't see  
And how do you know which way the wind blows...

_Bioware owns these characters_

* * *

**Tuchanka**

The trucks rumbled away, the road crumbling behind them. Shepard, Liara and James turned to enter the dark tunnel leading down, hoping they'd find a way to follow.

The darkness seemed to have a life of its own in the tunnels of the ancient Krogan city. Shepard felt oddly comforted by the closeness of the atmosphere... until she saw the first painting depicting a giant thresher maw, immediately followed by a sinister rumbling under their feet. "Shit." She whispered. "What the hell is that?"

Liara examined the krogan script under the picture. "Kalros, the mother of all thresher maws." Her voice had fallen to a whisper.

James' hair was standing up on his neck, his head swiveling all around. "If the krogan have named it, you know it's got to be badass."

Shepard turned back to the dark tunnel leading down. "We don't have a choice. Come on." They apprehensively moved into the next area, passing the foreboding sight of a dead rachni ravager, but continued climbing up until they saw light filtering through ahead. The ground vibrated every so often as they carefully, quietly made their way back to the surface. "Wrex, I think we're at the surface again."

"We've got Kalros hot on our tail, Shepard, so look out. The reaper is killing the Turian air support, but Eve and Mordin have a plan." Wrex's deep voice was tinny through her headset.

"It had better be a good one."

Eve replied to her comment. "We can call Kalros to take down the reaper." She said simply.

It seemed like a crazy, impossible plan - not that she hadn't pulled off stranger things, but still. Worth a shot. "How do we call her?"

"There is a set of hammers in the arena by the shroud, specially designed to call her. However, the power grid there has been down for centuries. They must be activated by hand."

"Of _course_." She muttered. "Okay, send me coordinates. We'll be in sight in a few-" They were just stepping out into a large, open area with a long bridge. As they approached it, Kalros burst out of the ground with a deafening roar and crashed through the bridge. They stumbled back, James cursing before following Shepard's lead and jumping across the gap to the other side, the ground still rocking. Liara followed close behind.

Ahead, they were swarmed with husks and cannibals and the rachni abominations that they had seen in the tunnels below. Liara focused on the big baddies from cover, but James tore into the pack with a shout, raising hell with his shotgun and tossing them aside like paper dolls. Shepard watched him finish the last few off with a crooked smile on her face until Liara cleared her throat. Shepard moved back to point without acknowledging the rebuke.

They fought their way forward until their line of sight allowed them to finally see the full reaper. Shepard sighed with relief. "Oh, good. It's one of the little ones. Kalros might be able to do it after all, if we can get there." She stated it matter-of-factly as she picked her way through the rubble towards the arena. James was about to comment that it didn't look little at all - it's tail, or whatever it was, almost reached the top of the shroud tower - when its laser cannon targeted where Shepard was crossing the canyon.

Sensing the danger, she took a flying leap to the other side, only to be knocked a few dozen feet to the ground below. James and Liara dove to the edge of the break, which was still hot from the blast, hugging the ground to keep from the reaper's sights. They both sighed in relief to see her pulling herself out of the rubble. She looked up at them and shouted, "I'll meet you on the other side, over there." She gestured to a crumbling wall before moving off, her arms jerking with the quick movements of extreme anger.

The two of them ran together up the next flight of stairs, James craning over the wall when it was low enough to catch a glimpse of Shepard.

"Have you ever fought a reaper before?" Liara asked.

"No. Well, not this close. On Earth we were mostly retreating, not assaulting. Wish we'd had a thresher maw to call on then."

Liara nodded. " _She_ has, you know. More than once. She knows what she's doing."

"I know that. " He said. "I just want my fair share. She seems to get all the action."

Liara huffed an exasperated sigh. "You two really are perfect for each other." She marched off, shaking her head.

Once they reached the wall, it was obvious that only Shepard would be able to move forward immediately. She rolled from cover to cover, almost getting singed by the reaper several times. By time he and Liara reached her, several Brutes were barreling toward her, keeping her from the hammers. James roared to get their attention and charged them while Liara began throwing singularities into the mix.

"Go, Lola! We got this!" James shouted.

She heard him, but not having time to respond, she just began ducking under swinging brute arms and dodging the reaper's legs to reach the hammers. Now that she didn't have to fight them off, it was just a matter of getting to the one, activating it and tearing all the way across the arena to the other side to activate the other one. She dodged through the mass of beasts, barely missing their bladed fists. She made it to the other side and activated the other hammer; the ground shook violently as the rhythmic pounding began. The other two caught up with her, the enemies having disappeared when the quaking began.

From the south, they heard a deafening roar as Kalros burst from the ground in a shower of rock. The ear-splitting shriek of the thresher sounded and the two leviathans met with a great crash of metal and clattering stone. The reaper managed to throw it off, blasting after it with its cannon. The ground continued to shake violently underneath them as the thresher maw moved to a new position for attack.

"Get back to the drop point! I'll go see to the cure!" She shouted over the racket. James looked at her intensely, wanting badly to come too, but she just commanded "Go! Now!", then ran into the swirling clouds of dust rising from the area around them. Liara grabbed his arm, her eyes wide with fear as Kalros leaped from the ground again, this time looping around the reaper and pulling it down. The laser sounded again, a great boom from so short a distance away, bringing back memories of the day they left Earth.

He followed Liara away from the site, hoping against hope that Shepard didn't get pulled down too.

From where the shuttle and the trucks waited, they watched as the light from a lift zipped up the tower a few minutes later. Not even a minute after that, the entire top of the tower exploded violently, an incredibly bright white light expanding out and shattering into flakes of silver, which rained down from the sky. He and Liara looked at each other, both wondering if the Commander had been up there.

The group waited for word as the sound of underground battle retreated. The reaper had been defeated. The cure was raining all over Tuchanka. But where was Shepard?

Finally, Wrex stood up. "What was that?" he said. "Over there!" He pointed to a spot somewhere in the distance, where a speck of red was painstakingly pulling itself over the ruins of whatever city this had once been. James ran forward, leaping athletically over obstacles until he found her. Her face was ashen and drawn. He pulled her to him, looping her arm over his shoulder and walking back toward the line of trucks.

"What happened?" He asked. "Are you injured?"

"Mordin's dead." She said simply.

The Salarian had been special to her, that he knew. But at least she wasn't hurt. "I really wish you'd start taking me with you when you do these things."

She didn't respond, but for the first time, she really considered it. At the moment she was tired of losing friends and being alone. Though she might feel different tomorrow.

* * *

_**Normandy** _ **Cargo Bay**

Shepard was running laps around the empty, cavernous room. It was well past midnight and most of the crew was asleep, but she couldn't settle down.

She was more than pissed, but for once couldn't figure out who to kill to make it go away. Mordin had given his life willingly. She was already on a mission to destroy the Reapers. It seemed pointless to add one more life to the pile just because it was one she valued.

She passed beside the shuttle, picking up speed. It was her twenty-fifth lap. If she didn't get tired soon, she would have to stop on principle. She couldn't be too sore to fight. She had to be ready.

The day's events sped through her mind again... the reaper, the thresher maw, the explosion... Mordin was her people. He was like her. He was hated, reviled for whatever he did by somebody. But he was right, so he did it anyway. Anger flared again and her throat erupted in a growl just as she reached the stack of crates on the other side of the cargo bay. She slowed, then sped up again, approaching the narrow aisle that led back to the center of the room.

Someone stepped out from the aisle, blocking her way. She skidded to a stop, almost crashing into Vega.

He had obviously rolled out of bed just a few minutes ago. Maybe he couldn't sleep either. Not her problem. "Out of my way, Vega."

He quirked an eyebrow at her. "That's not very nice, Lola."

"What the hell is your problem?" She growled. "I was on a roll."

"Looks more like you were planning on passing out pretty soon to me." He folded his arms across his chest.

"I'll run all night if I want to. Now fucking move!" She shoved him away. He was always there to see her when she was weak. It was enough to make her spitting mad, as if she wasn't angry enough already.

He barely moved, but his arms dropped to his sides. She shoved him again. He just looked at her like a lump of rock, unmoved. The anger swelled again and she took a swing at him. It connected, his face twisted to the side, but he didn't block her, didn't fight back. She hit him again, this time in the stomach, to even less effect... aside from her wrist making an unhappy crackling sound.

She hit him again, with less force. Then again. She grabbed his shirt.

It was pointless. All pointless. She leaned her head forward onto his chest , breathing heavily, trying not to let the sorrow overcome her. One day, it would be her. Who would mourn her? No one. A blip in a history book, that's all. Who gave a shit about that?

He was looking down at the top of her head in surprise. He had slept fitfully, and when he suddenly woke up he decided to come down for a workout. When he heard a growl from the back corner of the room he'd gone to investigate. Seeing her, sweaty and angry, coming at him full tilt, he had been about to excuse himself. But this...

He rubbed her shoulders. "I'm so sorry, Lola."

These unexpectedly kind words put her over the edge. A muffled sob could just be heard coming from where she had buried her face. It took only a few breaths for it to be over, but the brief release had made her feel immeasurably better.

She backed up and collected herself, letting out a long breath. She looked up at him, his kind eyes looking down on her. He reached out and wiped the tears off of one side of her face with his thumb, then started to say something.

She decked him, a solid right hook in the same place she'd hit him before. "Not one word, Vega. You hear me?" she said as he grabbed his already aching jaw.

"Would you _stop_ doing that? You are such a bitch sometimes."

"Yeah, but you wouldn't have it any other way, would you?" she said as she jogged away, purposefully using his own words from Sur'Kesh. If he was down here, she was leaving.

He followed her, not willing to let her have the last word. She walked onto the lift, surprised to see him step on right behind her just before the door shut.

He backed her into the corner. "You know, you've misunderstood me from the very beginning. I've had your back this whole time. Maybe if you'd taken the time to really talk to me, you'd know that."

"What makes you think I need help? Just back off, Vega. I don't need your shit right now." She sniffed.

He looked over at her in disbelief. What she really needed, more than anything, was to be knocked down a few notches.

She reached past him to activate the lift, but he grabbed her wrist. She looked up at him, livid. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" she demanded.

With his other hand, he pushed her shoulder back against the wall and held her there. "You have a real dirty mouth, you know that?"

"Kiss my ass."

He leaned over until his face was level with hers, staring right into her eyes. "Are you gonna fight me, Lola?"

She twisted her mouth into a sneer, jaw flexing and open as if she was going to speak, but no sound came out. His breath was hot on her face. Her bright green eyes flicked from his eyes down to his mouth, then back again.

"Yeah. That's what I thought." He pressed his open mouth against hers, hard, giving her no choice. She breathed out hard from her nose, a muffled arpeggio, her entire body twisting in the space between them as she internally struggled with what was happening.

She could have knocked him down. She could have hit him, kicked him in the balls. She thought about it. But somehow the command never traveled past her neck. Her free hand gripped the handrail behind her.

He was relentless, pulling her to him seemingly without trying, sucking on her lower lip and using his soft tongue to draw her out. Several moments passed while her struggle slowed, until there was a fundamental shift in her attitude. Her head tilted to him and her whole body pushed forward to press against his.

That's when he broke it off, pinning her back against the wall, but putting distance between them. Releasing her wrist, he reached over and hit a button next to the door, turning back to look in her eyes. They were half-lidded, unfocused.

The door swooshed open and he finally released her, giving her a cocky grin and a little wave as he walked off the lift, back into the Cargo Bay. "Sweet dreams, Lola."

The door slid shut.

She stood there for a moment, aghast. Then she growled in frustration and punched the button for Deck 1, cussing him out and every generation of his family that had preceded him the entire way.

Vega worked out that night with more peace of mind than he'd had since he had been assigned guard duty all those long months ago. And he'd _never_ forget the look on her face when he walked away.


	6. Bloodlust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard loses her temper and almost loses a lot more.

**Music:** _**I'm So Sick** _ **, Flyleaf**

_**I will break into your thoughts** _   
_**With what's written on my heart** _   
_**I will break, break** _   
_**I'm so sick, Infected with where I live** _   
_**Let me live without this** _   
_**Empty bliss, Selfishness** _   
_**I'm so sick** _

* * *

**The Citadel**

This wasn't how they'd imagined this trip would go at all.

The _Normandy_ had flown straight to the Citadel from Tuchanka, but it had been a sober trip. The Commander's mood had affected the entire crew. Many of them hadn't known Mordin, but just knowing how much he had meant to Shepard was enough to earn their respect.

They landed to a firefight after Joker hadn't been able to raise flight control. Cerberus was all over the dock like cockroaches, an overwhelming force that Citadel security obviously hadn't been prepared for. While Shepard did her usual charge to the center, James used up all of his grenades taking care of a mass of guardians and engineers that were waiting for them. Then he switched to shotgun and shouldered his way into the mass, tossing men off the edge of the platform. Garrus was on the other side of the platform, using his sniper rifle to pick off the guardians that were unfortunate enough to show their eyes through the slot of their shields.

"Bailey!" Shepard cried out, plugging a round in the last Cerberus agent and running to where the Captain was slumped near the door.

James and Garrus ran to catch up to her while she quickly applied medi-gel to her friend.

Bailey was shaking his head. "I'll be fine. It's not as bad as it looks. Thought you were goners with all those Cerberus agents all over you."

She gave him a _'yeah, right'_ look and helped him up so he could release the security lock on the door. They fanned into the room ahead of him, checking the corners before coming back to where he was settling in at the terminal.

"They raided a few hours ago. We were totally taken by surprise; I don't know how Cerberus does it, but they've certainly made invasions into an art. Taking over the Citadel, though…" He shook his head in disbelief. "They've got balls."

"What are they after? Do we know?" Shepard asked, shouldering her rifle and leaning forward to look at the viewscreen he was working on.

"The Council. They went straight for them. Had to have had help from the inside."

"Cerberus loves their sleeper agents." Garrus agreed.

"Where do we start?" James asked.

Bailey tapped out a few keys. "The Salarian Delatross reported active pursuit. You should be able to reach the last known area through the door on the left. It's a roundabout way, but the rest of the paths have been cut off. Cerberus did their work well. Just follow the path of destruction."

Shepard nodded and they began to move away.

"Wait! There. I've patched you into my comm. You can reach me on your omni-tool now."

"Thanks, Bailey. Stay out of sight until we get this under control, you'll be of no use to anyone injured."

He laughed. "Go do your business and leave me to mine, Shepard."

Calling it a "path of destruction" was accurate; gunned-down Citadel employees and severely damaged areas where firefights had gone down could be seen on every level as they made their way through back doors and hallways. They eventually came into a room where a Cerberus agent was attempting to take control of a lift that led to the C-Sec office near where Bailey had indicated they should start.

Silently leaping over the windowsill, Shepard walked up behind the agent and snapped his neck, not even looking as he slumped to the floor. She finished the hack attempt and gestured for them to get on board ahead of her.

They lift smoothly traveled up. Garrus cleared his throat. "This brings back some memories. Remember those conversations we used to have in the lifts when we were on the SR-1?"

Shepard said, "Of course. Sometimes it was the only time we had to really talk."

"What did you talk about?" James asked.

Garrus shrugged. "All kinds of things. Our different cultures, our past, that kind of thing. Small squads should get to know each other pretty well so that they can respond quickly."

James looked at the back of Shepard's head. "Yeah, I can see how that would help." He said, trying to keep the bitterness out of his voice.

She felt the truth of his words, but wasn't moved by them. Teamwork was well and good, but getting caught up with some get-to-know-you-better conversation with Vega would only lead to one place; she had known that in the beginning. Her few slip-ups on Earth had quickly made the situation tense for them both at the time. She was suddenly a little annoyed; this was about the time when she'd normally transfer him somewhere else, especially after his actions in the lift the other day. But her resources were limited enough without sending one of her best fighters away.

The door opened to a large room with a smaller office off to the side. They ducked into the office and took cover under the ledge just as Cerberus agents began sniping them from the balcony above.

James backed off and took stock of the situation while the others found better cover. He was better in close quarters, so this wasn't his ideal situation. Fortunately, agents began rappelling down the walls of the large room outside the broken window. Grinning, he hugged the wall and began picking them off from underneath. Shepard's combat drone, now in the third balcony where enemies were emerging, was sending missiles in every direction while Garrus took shots whenever one of them popped out of cover. Shepard followed behind James, finishing off anyone he missed and overloading shields.

No words were said. They just moved, fought and won like a single fluid organism. No, Shepard thought, she couldn't send him away. Even with Liara it hadn't been this good.

Once the room was cleared, they moved into the next room, a long, narrow room with a window overlooking an area similar to the one they'd left. They looked down into the room, checking for enemies. Shepard noticed a chair rolling away from the table, and the Salarian Delatross came into view.

She had no love for the Delatross, not after the way she'd tried to convince her to lie about the cure for the krogan, but she was there to gather resources for the war effort. Personal feelings had no place in this. She was just about to signal her to stay put when a serious-looking Cerberus character dropped from above them, making for the Delatross.

Unexpectedly, the very sight of this character brought an absolute fury to the forefront of her mind. She _had_ to kill him, right now - it was compulsive.

James and Garrus watched Shepard pull out her sidearm, cover her eyes and shoot out the window – then dive out the window from three stories up. They rushed to the ledge to see her rolling forward with her momentum, coming up with the Delatross between her and the assassin. The Delatross shouted back to her that it was the human Councilor Udina that had instigated the coup as he cringed away from the weapons.

She tried to get a clear shot at the assassin, her teeth clenched painfully, but he was moving with her stealthily, keeping the Delatross between them. James and Garrus drew a bead on the assassin while he and Shepard had a pointless little chat, each trying to get the upper hand. Before one of them could make a move, though, a drell uncloaked and attacked the assassin.

The two fought, blades clashing and bullets flying wildly, spinning and jumping with blinding speed. Shepard tried desperately to get a clear shot on the assassin, but he was moving too fast. She wanted to kill this Cerberus freak so bad she could taste blood in her mouth from biting her cheek. The drell was finally run through by the assassin, who promptly cloaked.

"Thane!" Shepard cried, running to the drell's side. _Goddamn_ it, why were all of her friends dying all of a sudden? That fucker was going to _pay_.

He and Garrus ran down to join her, signaling Bailey to bring medical help. Thane, still alive, told her to go and meet him in the hospital later. She squeezed his shoulder, obviously regretting having to leave him there as they ran out of the room in pursuit of the assassin.

Shepard was pissed. More than pissed. She had a target, and she'd kill that shady Cerberus bastard if it was the last thing she did. She leaped into one of the vehicles just outside the C-Sec office and commanded the others to get in. Garrus climbed into the back, James into the front.

They tore away toward Council Chambers in silence, Shepard's fury and determination causing her to push the little car into the red. A hard thump announced the arrival of the assassin, who had leaped from a vehicle above them. The two stared at each other through the windshield for a fraction of a second before Shepard whipped out her pistol and started shooting through the glass. "I don't think so, freak!" she shouted, her pistol trailing bullets after the assassin as he darted to the roof.

Without a second's consideration, she kicked open the door and leaned out, gripping the frame of the car to shoot at him on the roof, the car listing wildly to the side until James leaned over and grabbed the wheel. The assassin put up a kinetic barrier, deflecting the shots while he took his sword and slammed it into the engine block.

Shepard screamed in anger as he saluted her and jumped back to the vehicle he'd come from, flying above them. She continued firing at him as James struggled to get them in a position to crash land from the passenger seat. "We'll meet again, fuckface!" she yelled after him, taking a few more shots at him as they veered off.

She climbed back in, pushing him away. While she wrestled with the controls, he hit the harness button on her seat, just before they slammed into a balcony and skidded almost off the other edge. There was a quiet moment while they reoriented themselves. Stumbling, they exited the burning vehicle and made their way to a passage a short distance away. Fortunately, they had crashed on the right side of the Presidium.

Long passages were revealed behind the outer walls by gaping holes, still smoking. They ran through them, trying to keep up with her. She was like a machine, flying over the obstacles until they came to one of those idyllic Presidium balconies. An Atlas was there, laying waste to whatever security was left, along with many other Cerberus enemies.

Garrus and James took cover, but Shepard ran forward. A bright red light blinded her and she hit the ground, narrowly avoiding the Nemesis' shot as two Cerberus agents came tearing around the corner of the office to the left. She grabbed on and carried him along with his momentum, right over the edge of the balcony, then spun around and stuck her omni-tool's virtual blade in the face plate of the other. Blood spurted over her hand and she growled, kicking him off with disgust. _"Who's next?"_

Garrus shouted something at her, but she didn't hear. She was fully engaged in her battle rage.

The Atlas targeted her and she pointed at it, calling her shot as she ducked into the office. James saw her point and began tossing everything he had at the Atlas. When the canopy shattered, the pilot started screeching as his armor caught on fire. She crowed in delight and leaped over the windowsill, ignoring the fire she was taking as she climbed up the front of the machine. The pilot tried to reach for her, but she grabbed him by the bottom of the helmet and twisted it hard, until she felt the snap. She tossed him out and climbed in, batting out the flames.

The other two were doing their best to keep the enemy off of her while she turned it around, firing missiles down the crowded aisle. It was mayhem for a few moments, nothing but screams and explosions and, behind it all, a laugh that neither of them had heard from her before.

Then it was quiet. Fallout slid down here and there, but the fight was finished for the moment. Shepard hopped down, feeling more satisfied than she had in many days. "You boys okay?" She asked.

They just looked at her.

"What?"

Garrus shook his head. "I've never seen you so... merciless."

Her jaw clenched, staring him down. She walked over to one of the corpses slumped over nearby and kicked it face up. She popped its helmet off and pointed at the distorted once-human there. James cringed at the face, hideous blackened streaks of glowing blue flowing out of its eyes.

"See for yourself. They don't deserve my _mercy_." she spat. "I could have ended up like this. I will destroy them to the last man. And don't you _dare_ try to stop me." She walked off to the elevator that Bailey had said would lead to where the Council was hiding out. Garrus and James exchanged a concerned look before following. She'd been leaning more and more to fighting in this blind rage recently.

They found the Council about to flee, Ashley with them. She spun around, her weapon leveled at Shepard.

"Shepard! What are you doing here?" she shouted, putting herself between them and the Council.

Seriously? She was going to do this again? "Udina started the coup, Ashley. Cerberus is right behind us. We have to get the Council out of here now!" Shepard said.

Ashley looked conflicted. "I don't know if I can trust you, Shepard. I-"

"Of course you can't trust her! She's been in league with Cerberus all along. When do you _not_ see her with Cerberus trailing behind?" Udina shouted, moving toward the terminal.

"The Salarian Delatross confirmed it, Ashley. Udina is behind this. Don't let him touch that console!" Shepard said, gesturing to Garrus and James to lower their weapons. She was on the fence, she could tell; she needed to see the show of trust. She lowered her weapon too, then stepped forward. "You know me, Ash. I wouldn't do this."

Udina chose to use her distraction to run to the terminal, unlocking the door where Cerberus agents were likely right behind them. The Asari Counselor ran to him, but he knocked her down, pulling a weapon on her. Ashley saw the look on his face and mad a quick judgment call, gunning the Counselor down. She stepped back as he fell. "Oh, god..." she covered her mouth, regret plain on her face.

The door behind them opened, Bailey and his men running out. "The Cerberus assassin ran off when we got here, Shepard. I see you took care of Udina. Damned traitor."

The Council thanked them and went with Bailey, but Ashley held Shepard back. "Shep- I'm sorry. I didn't think... I mean, I couldn't have known..."

"What, that I was going to do the right thing? You're as suspicious as a politician. You _belong_ with them." She gestured to the retreating civilians. "Second guessing people you know almost killed them today, and it ended what we had. Remember that." She walked off, Garrus close behind. James and Ashley's eyes met for a moment before he followed them.

* * *

**Purgatory**

Thane was dead. She'd just said goodbye to him and watched him fade away. She was in a peculiar mood after the last two days, not really suited to being in a place like Purgatory. Bad things were bound to happen. She almost wished they would. She was drained from the fight, though it had been a while. She'd never felt like this before. She felt unpredictable, even to herself.

Shepard walked into the club and heads turned, as they usually did. She headed over to where Aria and her minions were camped out, across the walkway from where the rest of the crew sat, enjoying a little well-earned shore leave.

Aria wanted too much for too little, as usual, but there wasn't much she could do about it. Aria knew it, too, and enjoyed sending her off to run errands, but the end result would be worth it: the cooperation of the Blue Suns, the Blood Pack and Eclipse to fight the Reapers. Shepard didn't allow the irritation to show on her face as she walked off.

 _Sure thing, I'll just gather all the criminal arms in the galaxy and hand them over_ , she thought. She was already fantasizing about how to teach her a lesson. No one sent her on errands like a lapdog without paying for it.

James watched her rise from where she was sitting from between two guards at the top of the steps. He was thinking she'd join the crew around their little table near the lower bar, but she evidently saw someone she knew sitting at the table by the stairs. A few minutes later, the tattoed biotic Jack they'd saved a few weeks back stood up from behind the wall and followed her up the stairs to the upper bar and the dance floor.

"Oh damn," Joker said. "There she goes again."

"What?" James asked, standing up.

"Shepard can't dance for shit and she knows it, but she insists on trying now and then. Always gets a lot of attention. Though that might be the appeal." He shrugged.

Well, he wasn't missing this. He made his way up the stairs in time to see Jack showing Shepard up big time on the dance floor. After just a few minutes, Jack laughed and pulled her over to the bar. James leaned against the wall, just watching. This was another Shepard he hadn't seen before.

She grabbed Jack's wrist, licked it and salted it while Jack put a lime in her mouth. Shepard ran her tongue across her forearm, grabbed Jack by the back of the head and sucked the meat of the lime out of her mouth. The two stayed there for a few seconds, obviously fooling around a bit. Shepard took her shot and slammed the glass down.

James shook his head. Joker was right - it was about attention.

Jack laughed loudly again and they leaned in, talking into each other's ears over the loud music. The two smiled at each other and then walked toward the stairs.

Jack was looking at James with obvious interest. "Hey Shep, where'd you pick up the bulldog?"

Shepard looked over at James, flicking her eyes up and down him in that way that was starting to piss him off. "One of the perks of military service."

"Very nice." Jack walked by James, winking at him as she passed.

"Enjoy the show, big guy?" Shepard asked.

"You sure do seem to get around."

"A girl's got to do something besides fight. Might as well be that." She gestured down the way Jack had gone. "Not like we have time for relationships on the front lines anyway."

She looked at him. He looked back grimly, cocking his head to the side. A few moments passed while he let the challenge in her voice pass unheeded. He wasn't going to feed her little power play. He had told her she would have to ask, and he meant it.

She turned away. "I'm headed back to the ship, but I'll be back in a few hours for some errands. Tell the crew to stay and enjoy themselves. We'll be here for a few days."

"Will do." James replied, watching her walk off.

Near the airlock to the ship, she saw Ashley. She was obviously waiting for her, chewing on her lip.

Fuck. She _so_ didn't want to have this conversation. A few years ago, she'd have sat down and tried to make her feel better, but not now. She wasn't responsible for making everyone feel better. Just for everything else, evidently.

There was no avoiding it though. "Ashley."

Ashley looked away, then back. It was a little endearing, how shy she was being all of a sudden, but she'd questioned her every time she'd seen her since she came back to life. She hadn't even seemed happy to see she was alive. That wasn't something she'd soon forgive. The rest of the galaxy, sure. But not her.

"Shepard, we've been through a lot together. You've seen me at my worst. You were there for me when my baby sister was in trouble… I held a gun to your head. I accused you of terrible things. I know now that they were all untrue, but I didn't know what to believe when Cerberus brought you back."

She looked up to see how her words were being received. Shepard was just looking at her, face unreadable. She went on.

"We had something special once. I just want you to know… that if you're willing, I'd like to try again."

Shepard sighed. "Ashley, I understand what must have been going through your head when you saw me alive again. From a certain point of view, I can even understand what happened on Mars and here on the Citadel yesterday." She stepped forward and put a hand on her shoulder. Ashley's face picked up as she leaned in.

Shepard continued. "If you want to fight on the _Normandy_ , be my guest. But stop trying to tug on my heartstrings. You're just setting yourself up for disappointment." Ashley leaned away from her in shock, but Shepard leaned in close to her again, her voice low and intense. She tried to pull away, but Shepard gripped her tightly. "Cerberus didn't change me _half_ as much as you did. Remember that next time you make baseless accusations at someone you love."

Shepard stepped back and began to walk toward the airlock. Ashley shouted after her. "I can't believe you'd choose that hulking behemoth over me, after what we've had. Some grunt who doesn't know-"

"Who in the world can you be talking about?" Shepard asked with mock curiosity.

"You know goddamn well who I'm talking about! I've seen how you two look at each other."

Shepard walked forward, putting her finger in Ashley's face threateningly. "He's got his whole life ahead of him, he doesn't need to be saddled with a half-dead bitch like me."

Then she caught herself. Why the hell was she explaining it to _her_? "There's a war on, Ashley. I don't need your fuckin' drama. I never did. If I'd known that was who you really were, I never would have let you as close as I did. I don't need _anyone_."

Shepard walked away, but not fast enough to miss Ashley say, "You're not fooling anyone but yourself, Shep!"

* * *

Shepard spent a good part of the next day running Aria's stupid errands, garnering support from the criminal elements she'd spent a good part of her career exterminating. It was an uphill battle, involving lots of degradation that she did her best to hide. But somehow, the more time she put between herself and the events of the Citadel invasion, the better she felt. The degradation was almost preferable to uncontrollable fury. She couldn't understand what had come over her, despite the incentive to kill.

She went to work out a deal with the Blue Sun's temporary leader, a Salarian down in the Docking Area where the refugees were camping out. After talking with him, she decided to go check out the Batarian Arms dealer. They had no love for her, it was true, but they needed her credits so they'd suck it up. They had a mod she had been eyeing up for her assault rifle.

While making her purchase, grimly noting the feeling of several dozen Batarian eyes boring into the back of her head, she heard a familiar voice. Ducking around the corner, she found Vega getting a tattoo from a Batarian artist.

She never got tired of seeing him with his shirt off. She smiled and leaned back against the wall, watching the N7 logo being inked on his back. Looking at him like this, she was taken back to the other day when he'd cornered her in the lift. She shouldn't have allowed that to happen. She'd been trying not to ask herself why she hadn't done anything at all to stop him.

The artist growled at her. "Can I help you?"

"I'm good, just checking out the merch."

James turned his head to look at her. "Oh, hey! Didn't see you there. What are you doing down here?"

"I was about to ask you the same thing, but I can see for myself."

"I got notice that I was accepted for N7 training a few days ago, backdated from the day Earth was invaded. Since official channels are pretty taxed at the moment, I guess this is my way of making it official."

"It's a good idea." She nodded. "It's tough training, though. The real work starts now."

"I know it seems like I don't take things too seriously sometimes." He said. "But when I commit… I _fully_ commit."

"Clearly." Shepard said. It was most of the reason why she kept her distance.

"I won't let you down." He looked up at her, the needle buzzing behind him.

She didn't say anything at first. He didn't look away. "You stand on your own, Vega." She finally said. "You can't let me down."

He nodded, understanding her evasion. It was time to change the subject. "You could get one too, you know. We could get matching. Or you could get my name someplace… special."

She shook her head, trying not to smile. "I'll see you later, Vega." She had to stop letting him get under her skin like this. He was way too good at it.

In another time, another place… different people, too. No, she thought again. It's impossible any way she looked at it. And she had much more important things to worry about, anyway.


	7. Rannoch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard kills a reaper and Vega gets serious.

**Music _: Aerials,_ System of a Down**

**When you lose small mind**  
You free your life  
Life is a waterfall  
We drink from the river  
Then we turn around and put up our walls

_Bioware owns these characters_

* * *

**_Normandy_ , Crew Deck**

Garrus was sitting at the long table in the mess hall, his arm around Tali. Their reunion had been a very happy one, as expected. She had taken the pair with her to the Geth Dreadnaught to shut down the core. Legion was on board, and Shepard almost had that feeling of family again, though it gave her pangs for the ones she lost.

"So how does the Admiralty feel about your relationship with Garrus now? I know they tend to be pretty closed-minded about aliens." She asked Tali.

Tali shook her head. "The crew of the _Normandy_ is officially an exception. And since shipmates can choose who they will among the crew, there's nothing they can say. Oh," she tilted her head, her bright eyes peering through the mist in her faceplate, "I do get odd looks sometimes, but that always was the case. It doesn't bother me." Garrus gave her a squeeze.

"It sure is good to have you here, and to see Garrus so happy. There's so much fighting going on, it's a relief to see someone happy." Shepard said, settling back in the chair. It seemed like the right thing to say, but she felt a bit of bitterness when she looked at them.

"What about you?" Garrus commented. "No one is stopping you from having a partner. You've got offers everywhere you go."

She shook her head. "Relationships don't stay together for me. I'm like poison for them. Finding a partner is a pointless waste of time. Someone will just end up getting hurt. Plus, I have so many other things to focus on, it just isn't-"

"It's a shame about what happened with Ashley, Shep. But that doesn't mean that no one else will work."

Shepard looked at Tali. "That's _exactly_ what it means. Because it isn't just about her. It's about everything I've seen since forever. Other people get happy, and I bleed for them. That's the way it will always be."

"I don't see how you can be so committed to saving the galaxy if you have no connection to it. It's pretty plain that you and Vega-"

"Don't even say it. I'm sick and tired of it. There's nothing between us and there never will be. All I really want is to give payback for the Reapers, the Collectors, Cerberus, everything. It burns in me all the time… I have to put it out by killing them all." She spoke with dark determination, clenching her jaw.

"I think that's bullshit, Shepard." Garrus said.

"What do _you_ know about it?" She snapped back at him, standing up, agitatedly pacing behind her chair.

"If that were true, then why did you fight before they came along? Why did you survive Akuze? Why did you go through the N7 training at all? Exactly _what_ is it that you're trying to prove?"

She didn't answer. She just gripped the back of the chair she had been sitting in, still shaking her head.

"Look, just think about it. There are bigger battles coming. You keep going like this and you're really going to burn yourself out or get yourself killed, and no one is going to bring you back this time." Garrus stood up, offering his hand to Tali. "The people who care about you don't want to see you get hurt." They walked toward the Main Battery together, where Garrus had been bunking.

She stood there, the anger swelling up in her. What did he know? He had his girlfriend and didn't have the responsibility of the world on his shoulders. _The people who cared about her._ What a joke. She gave and gave, but no one gave a shit about her, not really. She was the tool, the lever that moved worlds, and is then discarded. Hated. Imprisoned.

She'd done everything she could to push people away, but it had been for their own good. She was going to die some gruesome death someday, probably very soon, and take all of her enemies with her. These were her final days, and she had a lot of work to do.

"Did you mean that?" Vega said from the corner facing the hallway.

She whipped around and took a few steps toward him, pissed. "You were listening to our conversation?"

"It's a common area of the ship, and you were practically shouting. Do I have to ask again?"

"No, because you know the answer."

He moved closer to her. "We're gonna have this out now, Lola. You're gonna tell me _why_."

"This is not a conversation I'm having with you in the goddamn Mess Hall!"

"Okay." He grabbed her wrist and walked away, taking her with him.

"Let go right now, Vega. I'm serious." She said as he dragged her down the hall.

"Yeah, yeah. You're all talk." He opened the door to Life Support and towed her in, shutting the door behind them.

"I already told you, there's nothing to say!" She shoved at him when he walked toward her.

"You really wanna fight me, Lola? We've been over this before." He kept walking toward her, his arms out. She shoved at him again.

"Yes, and I kicked your ass then!" She backed up a step and then slid to the floor, looping her leg around his and jerking back. He went down hard, almost landing on her, but she rolled away.

She bounced up and started to walk out, but he grabbed her ankle and yanked, bringing her back down and knocking the breath out of her. Before she had taken a full breath, he was on top of her, pinning her arms above her head and her legs to the floor.

"Holy fuck, you're heavy." She gasped.

"You can take it." He looked right down at her.

She cussed at him, gasping. He shook his head and lifted on his elbows enough to allow her to breathe freely. She took several relieved breaths before starting to struggle again. He lowered back down and she cried out, "Alright, alright!" He raised up again. She was straight cussing in her head. How had she allowed this to happen? She could have stopped him in the Mess Hall, in the hallway...

"Answer me. Why do you treat me differently than everyone else?"

Christ, he just had to start with that one. "Because you _are_ different than everyone else." She growled, looking off to the side. He let go of one of her arms to grab her face and turn it back to him. Her arm stayed where it was.

"How?" He stared into her eyes, green flecked with the flashing lights on the panel behind him, still looking away. She didn't answer. He lowered his head to hers and began to kiss her, just as he had the other day. Her body stiffened in resistance, her free hand slamming into his shoulder. But she really did want this, had always wanted this, had known it in a very conscious way. She had never denied it, even to him. He was right there, giving her exactly what she had wanted. This time, it took far less effort for her to respond.

Once she did, he once again pulled away. He asked again, _"How?"_

"You're like me." She said breathlessly, finally meeting his eyes. "You're just like me, five years ago. I don't want you to turn out like me: bitter, angry, lonely. And I don't want to leave anything behind when I die." She stared at him. "Which will be soon. There's no way I can win this and live." She wasn't sure why, but she had more certainty of this than of anything else. It seemed a concrete thing, intrinsically linked with the anger that buzzed in her head.

"Fuck that shit, Lola." He said. "You might be willing to let this go, but I'm not. I risk my life every day just like you, but I don't want to live with regrets. EDI, lock the door."

His hands moved down the front of her shirt, unfastening it as he went. Heat flashed through her when his hands touched her bare skin and her hands moved to his shoulders. Her breathing sped up as he kissed her collarbone, his mohawk scratching at her chin. The smell of him was like a drug; her hands laced through his hair and pulled him closer, then yanked his face up for a kiss, her other arm tight around his neck.

His hand skimmed her body to her hip and down to her knee, lifting it over his back. She put the other one around him and he lifted her up as he rested on his heels. His big arms held her tightly as she kissed him, her hair flowing around his face. She pulled her head back to look at him, his face dimly lit in the light from the porthole.

She remembered her thoughts back on Earth... hiding in corners, making out, all-night conversations... it sounded like heaven. She had pushed these feelings away for so long, not wanting to spoil his perfection with her darkness. And he still wanted her, unbelievably, more than six months later, still chased her. He was absolutely single-minded in his conquests. It gave her a thrill to know that this was one fight she could not win, because she already wanted to lose.

A sudden movement on the far side of the room, near the door, caught her attention. "What was that?"

"What?" he craned his head around. There was nothing.

EDI's voice came over the Comm. "I'm sorry for interrupting, Commander, but the situation on Rannoch has escalated. Your presence is required in the CIC."

She turned back to him regretfully, a look which he matched. She stood up and fastened her top, looking out the porthole. She could just see Rannoch peeking into view. "Guess it isn't in the stars for us today. Get ready for a tough mission, Vega." She walked away without looking back.

As she walked away, she felt a tickle at her nose. It was bleeding just a little bit. She figured she must have hit the ground harder than she thought, putting it immediately out of her mind as she left the room.

* * *

**Rannoch**

There were no degrees. Ever since they had landed, the rage had been building again. She must be more invested in saving Tali's planet than she had originally thought, more than simple duty. Shepard pulled some pretty bold moves fighting into the facility, and a part of her was surprised she didn't get hurt. But she either lived, or she died.

She was knocked down several stories when a quake began, shaking the entire facility. Shepard couldn't contain the thrill that ran through her as she watched a reaper rise out of the ground. "Oh, hell yes!" she shouted, running for the shuttle as she pointed at it. "That fucker is going _down_!" The anger was dominant now. She wanted to watch it burn and dance in the ashes.

Tali and James were already on the shuttle, reaching to swing her aboard. Even as they pulled away, Cortez putting the shuttle in the red as the reaper pursued, she was looking for the orbital targeter.

"There it is!" she shouted over the noise of the open door, pulling out the heavy device. "Radio the ships and have them fire on my mark! James, keep me steady!"

He wrapped an arm around her waist and gripped the inside beam of the shuttle as she leaned out the open doorway, controlling the powerful blasts that halted the progress of the enormous machine as it chased them. It finally faltered enough to break off pursuit, the shuttle erupting in cheers.

But as they flew away, she could see it rising again, and she knew it wasn't enough. "Cortez! Stop here! I'm getting off!"

"What?" Tali shouted in surprise, reaching out for her. "Don't do this, Shepard!"

"If she says she can do it, she can do it." James said. "Rip it a new one, Commander!" She looked at him quickly once, but decided to ignore the comment. For some reason, his support was irritating to her at this moment. Maybe she should have brought Garrus instead.

She jumped out and ran down the side of the hill, which abruptly dropped to the plain where the reaper was floundering. Its cannon was still open, a shutter listing to the side. Her anger filled her, contorting her face into a sneer. She targeted it as it began to rise, and it went down again, fire and sparks raining out from its iris. The sight was incredibly satisfying, but it only increased the fire that was burning in her.

It began to move toward her, trying to hit her with its cannon, but it took too long to load. She easily evaded it, hitting it several more times before it finally went down. It was almost too easy. Disappointing, in that sense. But she'd killed it. Her anger was somewhat sated, and continued to ebb as she watched it sink down with small explosions between the armor plates.

It was difficult for her to sit through the negotiations as her anger ebbed, but the job had to be finished. Legion's sacrifice was apropo; she didn't feel a twinge of sadness as his shell collapsed in front of her. She knew how it worked for these machines. Legion would now be in every "flashlight head" she saw. That happy thought washed away the last of the rage, leaving her feeling drained.

Tali's face mask was almost totally opaque with the humidity from her tears. She thanked her friend with a hug, but Shepard just patted her and said goodbye, running back up the hill to the shuttle.

She felt unequal to the thanks. She hadn't thought about Tali once when she was doing it. It had been all about revenge. That thought felt wrong somehow, but she pushed that away too. All the conflicting emotions were starting to piss her off even more. Why did it have to be so complicated? She had an enemy, she killed it. That should be enough.

James watched her as they flew back to the _Normandy_. Shepard sat on the bench across from the door, more exhausted than was normal after a firefight.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"I don't know."

"You fucked that reaper up. I could have probably done better, but..." She didn't laugh, so he went on. "You should be proud."

She looked up at him. "I am, I just... feel wrong somehow. I-" She sniffed, then wiped her nose. It was bleeding again. "Shit. Not again." She tilted her head back, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"You just need some R&R, Commander. You should hang out with me tonight."

She shook her head. "I'm too tired to spar, James." Her voice was muffled by her hand.

He cocked an eyebrow at her. "That's not what I was talking about, Lola."

She took a deep breath and huffed it out. She shrugged and looked away. James leaned against the shaft next to the bench. "Oh, well. If that's the way you feel about it I guess there isn't much I can do. I've tried long enough, and Allers has been asking me to come to-"

Shepard's eyes grew wide. She jumped up and grabbed the neck of his armor suit, blood dripping down to her chin. " _I'll kill her_. You hear me, Vega? I will _kill_ the little bitch and enjoy hearing her scream. You win. Now back off. You're the pushiest bastard I've ever met."

A slow smile had spread across his face. "I'll be in your quarters at 2100 hours." The docking clamps made the shuttle vibrate and the door opened. "Oh, and Lola... wear something _sexy_ for me." He grabbed his shotgun and jumped out, howling with joy.

She couldn't not smile as she walked to the lift, trying to keep the pressure on her nose. Despite the lingering remorse for her motivations today, plus the dawning realization about the source of her uncontrollable anger, there was something special about putting that smile on his face. She already felt better.

* * *

**Port Observation Lounge**

James stopped on the Crew Deck to pick up some libations for his evening with Shepard. He'd worked out, showered and shaved, then changed into clean uniform pants and a t-shirt.

Joker, Garrus and some of the other crew members were playing cards when he arrived. When he started rummaging around in the bar, Joker called out, "Bring in a bottle of whiskey! We're almost out."

"Sure thing." As he reached for the whiskey, James noticed something sitting on the counter. With a grin, he pocketed it. Then he grabbed the bottle and walked over to set it on the table.

"Wait, you're not gonna play?" Joker asked in surprise as he began to walk away.

"Nope. You guys have fun rubbing up on each other. I've got a date with the girl of my dreams." With that, James walked out of the room.

The people around the table looked at each other. Garrus cleared his throat. "You don't think..."

Joker laughed. "I hope so. She needs to get laid."

When the others joined in the laughter, Traynor said seriously, "That's not fair. She's got more on her shoulders than any of us truly understands. She goes on every mission, works late every night, never takes shore leave..."

Joker nodded. "That's exactly what I mean. Before they locked her up, she at least took time to enjoy herself."

"She felt betrayed when they did that. And it wasn't the first time." Garrus added. There were murmurs of assent around the table.

"Yeah, it was pretty fucked up. I know they had their reasons, but still." Joker said. He dealt a fresh hand and the conversation lulled for a moment as they remembered that period of time. They had all rooted for her behind the scenes.

"I have to ask," Garrus said as he examined his cards. Eyes turned to him. "Why didn't any of you visit her? I wrote to her and I know one or two others did too. I couldn't imagine how she must have been suffering, confined like that. She's always lived for action. But the loneliness must have been just as terrible."

"I didn't know her then." Traynor said.

"I wasn't on Earth myself." Donnelly said. "She had to get special permission for me on the Citadel after she was out."

"I couldn't leave the _Normandy_ during the refit. It was hard work to keep the technicians from removing EDI. I didn't trust them not to do it when my back was turned." Joker added.

"Thank you, Joker." EDI's voice came over the comm.

"No, no. Thank _you_... for hacking that sexy robot body." He grinned.

Garrus was nodding. "I feel better then. I wondered about that. But at least she had Vega for company. Though it would appear she didn't take advantage of the situation at the time."

Joker lifted his glass. "Here's to the Commander, and making up for lost time!"

Her crew toasted her and went on with their game.

* * *

James announced himself at Deck 1. "It's Vega. Ah, James." He corrected. This wasn't a last-name occasion.

The door opened and he walked in. Walking down the steps past her office, he saw her rising from the couch. She was wearing a pair of workout pants and a racerback shirt, her feet bare and hair loose.

He nodded. "Not really what I had in mind, but it'll do. At least you look comfortable."

"Comfort is not having bullets flying at me. This is simply all I have. I figured a cocktail dress would be a little overkill."

James' eyebrows raised impossibly high. "Uh, no it _wouldn't_. I'll wait here if you want to change."

"Maybe another time." She said, rolling her eyes. She tilted her head to the side and gestured to the couch. "You want to sit down?"

"Sure." He walked around the table. As he sat in the corner of the couch, he remembered the bottle in his hand. "I brought this from the Port Lounge."

"Tequila. Nice touch." She smiled at him sideways as she opened the bottle.

He watched her get two shot glasses and pour them. "If I'd known that jealousy was the key, I'd have started having girls pick me up from your place back on Earth."

"Probably would have worked. Well, if it's not challenging, it isn't worth having." She handed him a glass.

"No lime? Salt?" He looked around.

"Very funny. No, not a staple in my quarters."

"It should be." They tossed back the shots and she sat down next to him, smiling. "I like seeing that look on your face, Lola."

"You should, you put it there. It feels strange though. Something has come over me recently." She leaned over to set her glass on the table, then took his to do the same before sitting back, her elbow on the back of the couch. "I used to love the fight; it gave me such a thrill. It was everything I lived for and looked forward to."

"I remember. It was like that right up until Tuchanka, but not much since then."

She nodded. "It gets worse every time. There's no joy in it anymore. Just anger, and lots of it. The stakes are high now, though."

"If you say so. But the stakes were pretty high before too." He said.

"True."

They looked at each other for a moment before he reached out and touched her chin. "There's still some blood on your face. Didn't you get a shower?" He set his arm along the back of the couch when she began rubbing off the dried blood.

"I did, but it kept bleeding for a while. It's happened a few times recently. But I think I know why." She shrugged. "No big deal, considering what we do every day." She watched as he took something out of his pocket and set it on the table. "What's the marker for?"

"I thought maybe I could get that autograph you promised me." He gave her his best cocky grin.

A huge smile appeared on her face at this reminder of the day they had met and she leaned forward, kissing him gently on the lips and looked into his eyes. "We'll have to see what we can do."

He watched her as she rose and padded over to the stereo by her bed, flipping through several variations of electronica music before settling on something a little more relaxing. "You like dance music, huh? Ironic."

"Don't even." She came back to the table and poured another shot for both of them before sitting down. "Just because I don't do something well doesn't mean I don't enjoy it. In my experience, expecting perfection stops a lot of people from reaching beyond what they know." She leaned back, gazing up at the starfield over her bed, her favorite view in the universe. "It keeps people in bad situations, stops them from progressing beyond what hurts them. It keeps them in bad relationships even when they already know it isn't working."

He looked at her curiously. He'd never heard her talk like this before. "You and Ashley...?"

She rolled her head to the side to look at him. "No. Well, not at first. I meant my parents. I might... possibly... have some Daddy issues." She smiled sardonically. "I have trouble trusting men, opening up to them. That's why I tried with Ashley, but it was just a whole new set of problems. I wrote off relationships after that. Just brief dalliances with the occasional merc, you know, trying to keep out of my subordinate's pants." She flicked her eyes over him meaningfully and he chuckled.

"Yeah, I get the idea. But there should always be an exception for the right person."

"I'm beginning to understand that." She scooted toward him, putting both arms around his shoulders. "James, I can't promise I won't act like that again; old habits die hard. But I will try. Just don't-" there was a return of her earlier attitude as she leaned in even closer, "touch Diana. I will break her and anyone else that touches you in half."

"That's good to hear. I was beginning to wonder."

"Liar. You knew all along. You gave up way too easy on Earth. Especially with all that time alone."

He groaned. "Fuck. I knew it. The only time I've second-guessed myself when it came to a woman, and it was right when it really counted."

"That's usually how it happens." She smiled.

He leaned in and kissed her, then pulled her into his lap. "That was a dirty trick you played on Earth."

"It was tough to do. You have no idea. As hard as it was for you. Well," she shuffled in his lap, "then again, maybe not."

He kissed her neck, pushing her strap out of the way. "I waited a long time for this, Lola. But I always knew you were worth it." He put his hand on the other side of her neck, holding her close while he tasted her skin. Her eyes rolled back at the sensation, almost tipping her glass before remembering it was there. She drank it quickly, taking his full glass out of his other hand and setting it on the table with hers. When she leaned over, he tried to follow her, not wanting to stop, and they almost fell off the couch.

"This isn't going to work." He said, looking down a the narrow cushion. She moved to straddle his lap like before, which made him smile. "That's more like it." He ran his hands up her sides, then pulled her close. Her hair covered his face as he bent into her neck again. "God, it's so good to have you like this finally. You've been driving me crazy."

She didn't answer, just sat back enough to pull his face to hers. They kissed for a long time, his hands roaming under the back of her shirt. She eventually pulled it off, taking his off too, and they continued making out, their dog tags clinking together, cold metal on warm skin. Finally they stood up and he began pulling her toward the bed. She stumbled against the table when he pulled her and he laughed. "Trouble walking, Lola? Here, let me help." He leaned over and picked her up at the waist, slinging her over his shoulder.

"Hey!" She said as he began to walk, her hair swinging above her head. She stared at the definition of muscles in his back and her hands reached up to touch him right as he flipped her back over, onto the bed. She grunted as her body bounced slightly on the hard bed. He grabbed the hem of her pants and yanked, nodding with approval when he saw she wasn't wearing anything underneath. "Right on."

She sighed in satisfaction as she watched him strip down, then she patted the mattress and he sat next to her on the bed. She moved on all fours in front of him, flicked her tongue at his erection and muttered, "About that autograph..." before taking him into her warm mouth. With a quick huff at the pleasure of it, he pulled her hair out of the way, thoroughly enjoying her ministrations. After a few minutes, she moved up and positioned herself above him. She looked at him with a crooked smile, eyes heavily lidded with one eyebrow cocked. "Are you sure you're ready for this?"

He groaned. "Fuck, you are such a tease." He grabbed her hips and pushed down. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and bit his neck, moaning. He took her long, muscular legs and wrapped them around his waist before putting his arms under her bottom and lifting and lowering her with his strong arms. She didn't have anything to do but hang on and enjoy the ride.

They made love long into the night. It was every bit as good as they had both thought it would be. Now that the ice was broken, they both knew without words that they'd spend every moment they could together, for as long as they could. But behind it all, and for completely different reasons, they both knew they should enjoy every moment they had together while it lasted.


	8. Scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vega finds out why Shepard is so touchy about getting close.

**Music** _**: Hurt,** _ **the Johnny Cash remake of the NIN song (Yes, I know, I used this in the last story too. But it fits better here.)**

**I hurt myself today**  
To see if I still feel  
I focus on the pain  
The only thing that's real  
The needle tears a hole  
The old familiar sting  
Try to kill it all away  
But I remember everything

_Bioware owns these characters._

* * *

_**Normandy** _ **, Deck 1**

James was a little disoriented when he woke up. Tequila wasn't usually his drink of choice, and they had had quite a bit last night. To make things worse, the first thing he saw in the morning was the porthole above Shepard's bed. He turned away from the vision of deep space, closing his eyes until the dizziness passed.

Groaning, he sat up and pushed the sheet off his legs. Blinking the crust out of his eyes, he switched on the lamp next to the bed. As he moved to stand up, his shadow moved away from Shepard's body, and something caught his attention. He stopped and leaned down to where she was lying, facing him. He hadn't seen her body in the light before. She kept the lights dimmed last night and the other time he'd been in here. But perhaps this was why.

She was covered in scars. Some were clearly combat scars, similar to the ones he bore, jagged and shiny with age. Others were very clean, criss-crossing where her Cerberus implants had obviously been inserted. Most of those even had a faint red glow to them. But there were others that looked especially strange to him, across her lower abdomen and upper thighs. He couldn't figure them out. He leaned forward and traced the straight, even lines that hatched under her belly button and the odd pattern across her legs. It was as if…

"What the _fuck_ are you looking at?" A sharp voice asked. His head snapped up.

He couldn't understand this reaction. He'd been all over her last night, and he knew she loved scars. What was her problem? "I've never seen battle scars like that before."

She turned away from him and swung her legs off the edge of the bed. "Yeah, well I like to be different." She got up and walked toward the shower without looking back. With each step, the distance seemed to increase in more than just physical proximity. He watched her go, then began to gather his clothes and get dressed.

"Do you want to have breakfast?" He called in.

"No." She called out in a flat tone. "You go ahead. I'll see you later."

There was an obvious dismissal in her voice. The situation was too bizarre for James to readily comprehend.

He was a pretty straight-forward guy; what you saw was what you got. The same was not so for Shepard. He'd known that from the beginning, but this turn of events drove it home in a very personal way. Though he knew for sure she hadn't felt this way last night, he suddenly felt used.

It would seem that he had a distance to go before he'd really understand her. James always wanted the biggest battles, the toughest enemies. He also liked to win women that were difficult to attain. But despite their night together, James was beginning to think he hadn't won her after all.

* * *

**Thessia**

An Asari Commando squad was holding the landing pad when they arrived, under active attack from hordes of husks. A harvester wheeled nearby, laying waste to a dome-shaped building that was evidently their goal. Reaper destroyers loomed a short distance away.

Shepard, Liara and Garrus jumped off of the shuttle already firing at enemies beyond the kinetic field that one of the Commandos was holding up. Garrus sniped the enemies from one side of the barrier while Shepard leaped up to the nearby mounted gun with a grin as several Brutes showed up. For the first time in a long time, she felt the flow and rush of battle like she once did. They soon took the heat off the Commandos long enough to get the situation report.

The temple they were looking for was kept was few buildings over, through several dug-in groups of enemies. There turned out to be Banshess among them, not really a surprise considering the fact that they were on Thessia. Liara was finishing off the last banshee behind them so they could move on when Shepard took point, Garrus right behind her as she took a careful look around the next corner of the ruined building they were passing by.

"You look like you're enjoying the fight again, Shepard." Garrus said. She smiled over her shoulder at him. Despite her terse mood when she woke up, her spirits had picked up as soon as she heard the firefight below the shuttle.

"Shhh. This is Liara's homeworld." She turned back and began to move forward when it was obvious the coast was clear. "But yeah. Seems like it's gotten a bit better." She had felt more human than she had in a long time when she woke up, after spending the night with James. He was so unlike the people she had hooked up with since Ashley, and even a few before. A sudden thought gave her a pang, but she shoved it away. This wasn't the time or the place.

A rumbling in their feet announced an approaching enemy. As a Brute charged around the corner, Garrus unloaded his rifle into the weak parts of its armor. They were soon joined by Liara, and together they cleared the final path to the temple.

But as they neared the building, she felt a fundamental change overcome her. There was something ominous about the building that she couldn't shake, and at the same time a feeling of nonthreatening familiarity that she hadn't felt since well before Tuchanka. It was well under previous levels, however, and she felt no need to tell the others about her odd feeling.

As they approached the temple, they could see a powerful force field surrounding the entrance. Evidently even the reaper's abominations hadn't been able to break in, though they were trying. It wasn't difficult to kill them from behind, concentrated as they were on attacking the barrier. Liara hacked it and they entered the shrine.

The room was cavernous, shaped like an enormous shell. A statue of the goddess Athame dominated the area, towering above the assorted artifacts in the hall. "Why do they have this place locked up so tight?" Garrus wondered.

"It is strange," Liara admitted. "I can't think of why a museum like this should be better protected than our military and government buildings."

Shepard's strange feeling increased as she approached the statue. There was a tingling up her spine as she reached out to touch the dais. "There's a Prothean beacon here." She announced.

"Are you sure?" Liara asked.

"Yes. In this statue. Must have been in there this whole time, for thousands of years."

"Guess this explains why the Asari are so advanced." Garrus said.

"No, that can't be." Liara said. "I can't believe that they would do this, keeping it hidden away."

"That's pretty naive." Shepard said, ignoring Liara's offended look. "Come on, let's see if we can activate it." They walked around the room, Shepard's instincts guiding them to the control. With a mightly crack, the statue split and several beams of light emerged from the beacon that was revealed there. The room filled with a familiar green glow and a Prothean VI appeared.

"Reaper presence detected." The voice, so like Javik's, emanated from the sphere of light. "This cycle has already reached its extinction terminus. Systems shutting down."

"Not so fast! We need answers." Shepard stepped forward. "The Catalyst. What is it? We need it to finish the Crucible."

"Though your odds of success are remote, it remains the function of this program to assist with the Crucible construction. I will interface with your system to assist with the Catalyst production." The light whirled and moved toward her, the stopped. "Indoctrinated presence detected." The ball of light rushed back to the beacon.

The three of them turned around to see a dark silhouette enter the room. " _You_." Shepard said, her voice dripping with vitriol. She pulled out her rifle. This time he was going to _die_.

"I have a message for you." Kai Leng said, taking an orb from his pocket. It began to gyrate, floating away from his hand. The Illusive Man's image shimmered into view.

"You've been very helpful, Shepard, as always. You've helped uncover the key to subjugating the Reapers." The Illusive Man said, walking toward the sphere of the Prothean VI.

"Or destroying them." Shepard said, her eyes never leaving Kai Leng's form.

"That's short-sighted. Destroying the Reapers gains us nothing."

"I'm not interested in gain, especially not for you." Shepard answered. Kai Leng's eyes glowed in the sights of her rifle. "If you were smart, if humanity's interests were really your first concern, you'd join me."

"Don't ever question my intentions." The Illusive Man said. "I've sacrificed more for humanity than you'll ever know. Don't assume you know me!"

"Like I give a shit about your intentions. Don't assume you know me just because you bought my body on the black market and decided to play god."

The voice spoke one more time before fading out. "Kai Leng, take the VI and bring it to me." The projector snapped shut, wheeling over to Kai Leng's open hand.

Shepard began firing at Kai Leng, the others joining in, just as a gunship rose from behind him. "Target the supports." She heard him say. Missiles streaked through the room, her team ducking for cover. The support next to her exploded in a shower of hot metallic debris and the floor shifted, tilting crazily downward. As she gripped the sliding floor, trying not to fall, Kai Leng ran to the dais and downloaded the Prothean VI.

She saw red, absolutely livid as he passed by without even acknowledging her. She slid backwards, the floor buckling, and part of it dropped beneath her. She managed to hang on, climbing up the jagged side of the piece, but by time she and the others made it back to the main floor, Kai Leng was gone.

She roared, she cussed, she threatened. It was more than she could take right then, not to have any relief from the anger. He had gotten away _again_. She ranted for a few minutes, the others giving her some room, until Garrus finally said, "We've got to go, Shepard! The reapers will know we're still here."

Seeing the sense in this but not liking it one bit, she radioed for the shuttle to pick them up.

* * *

**_Normandy_ Cargo Bay**

He was waiting for her when she disembarked from the shuttle. He looked pissed. Not surprising after this morning. She didn't really give a shit. Nothing could equal the anger that was still raging through her.

"How did it go?" He asked as she approached the lift.

She didn't look up. "Just leave me alone. I don't want to talk."

"So we're here again? You're so full of shit." The door opened.

She snapped at him as she walked in. "I don't need this from you, Vega. I don't ask anyone's permission to do or say or feel whatever the hell I want, and I like it that way. So back the fuck off." But he put his hand on the door and slipped between them before it closed.

He stepped forward. "Do we need to do this again, Lola?"

She turned and stared straight ahead as the lift began to rise. "Pick your floor, Vega."

"What the hell is your problem?"

"…because you're not following me."

"I'll do whatever the fuck I want." He said.

"It's my goddamn ship and I don't want you following me. Pick a fucking floor."

He stepped closer. "Why can't you at least talk to me?"

She just shook her head. "I don't have to tell you anything. You were my prison guard, now you're my subordinate. That's all."

"That's not all and you know it. You're just too fuckin' stubborn to admit it." He was looming over her, shouting. She was unmoved.

The lift stopped at Deck 1 and the door opened. She started to leave, but he grabbed her arm. "I can't figure out why you're still acting like this. Especially after yesterday."

"That was then." She rigidly stepped into the hallway, yanking away. "Don't follow me. I'm fucking serious, unless you want that pretty nose broken, don't fucking follow me."

The lift doors shut behind her. She stood and stared at the door to her cabin. It slid open automatically, but she didn't step in. She shook her head and rubbed her face for a moment, trying to get a grip. The rage was still so strong in her that she almost couldn't breathe with it. It was a good thing she'd managed to ditch Vega, because he'd-

"You going in or what?"

She whipped around to see him standing behind her. She swung at him, but he blocked her and pushed her through the door, slamming her against the wall in her cabin.

"You know, I'm getting really sick of the way you keep taking swings at me. I've seen you fight, too, and I know goddamn well that if you really wanted to take me down, you would. So cut the shit already."

"If you want me to stop hitting you, then stop pushing me around!"

His face was inches away as he replied, "What do you want me to do? Stay away? Go ahead. Tell me to stay away."

She stared at him, her jaw clenched shut. It wasn't him she wanted to hurt. It was...

"Uh-huh." He nodded. She just stood there, looking at him. He stepped back to her again, getting right in her face. "Tell me to go." He said, low and intense. When she didn't answer, he leaned in and kissed her, hard. She didn't waste any time in responding this time, grabbing him and pulling him close.

She was overwhelmed with conflicting emotions, the rage mixing with long-buried impulses in equal parts. She felt unpredictable, even to herself. She couldn't control whatever was happening to her, and something snapped in her. She pushed him away. She took a breath to shout something, but he put his hand over her mouth, pinning her against the wall with his bulk.

"You seem a little tense, Lola," he said, triggering the release on her armor and pulling the pieces away. She was too surprised to react to this odd action for a few moments.

Her eyes became angry and she said something muffled, pushing at him pathetically with her hands, but James kept his hand over her mouth, still holding her eyes as he pushed his hand down the front of her underarmor. She gasped against his hand and struggled, right until he slipped his finger inside her. Her eyes rolled back in her head as she tilted her head toward the ceiling.

"It's a good thing you have me around to figure these things out." He whispered in her ear. "You'd have the ship self-destructing in a few hours." He worked her mercilessly, fast and hard as she moaned against his hand, her hands gripping his arms until her knuckles were white. He continued, whispering things she'd known herself but hadn't allowed herself to admit. He told her he loved her, and that they belonged together, and a thousand other things with only a few words.

Her body tensed and flexed, contorting against him as a discordant sound came from her throat. He waited until she opened her eyes to release her mouth. She couldn't stop gasping frantically, almost hyperventilating. He put his finger in his mouth as he leaned over her, enjoying the taste and the sight of her, flushed and breathless against the wall. Then he kissed her, pulling her up by the back of her neck until she was on her toes. She could taste herself on his tongue. Once again, she found herself unable to fight him, the tension literally draining away. She hadn't realized until this moment how rigid she was, how hard she had been fighting. He let her go and stepped back, one hand on the wall behind her.

No matter how hard the battle, she had never felt this exhausted afterwards. What the hell was going on? She felt hollow and rudderless. Her limbs wouldn't work.

"James." She whispered. She slid sideways, her body limp, her head touching the floor. He dropped down and sat her upright, looking into her eyes.

"Are you alright? I'm sorry… I thought…"

"You didn't… do this. It takes so much out of me. I can't control the anger, it just takes over, like I have no will of my own and I have to kill, that's all I am, the one that kills..." Her voice faded and eyes unfocused. He shook her gently until she looked at him.

"Do you want me to call Doctor Chakwas?" he asked.

"No. I just… just don't leave me. Stay with me, James. Stay." She whispered.

He couldn't say no. He'd been waiting to hear her say that since the beginning. He gathered her in his arms, concerned at the way she just fell back when he stood up. He carried her to the bed and laid her down. She tugged limply at the form-fitting underarmor. He helped her take it off and she lay there in her wrinkled shorts and undershirt, her breath gradually becoming shallow and even.

She looked up at the endless starfield above her head and calm began to creep over her. James lay next to her, looking at her calm face. He'd never seen exactly that expression on her face before. There was something haunting about it, like she hadn't worn it before herself and didn't know what it meant.

Something deep-seeded had released in her, revealing thoughts and feelings long buried. She didn't want to think about it. She was too tired.

"Lola." He said. She turned her head to look at him. His face was shadowed with concern as he pulled her close. She found the energy to scoot up until her face was buried in his neck. Surrounded with the scent and the strength of him, she fell asleep.

* * *

_The screaming woke her up. That happened a lot these days. She tried to cover her head with the pillow, but it wasn't enough. She could still hear._

_"Why do you keep doing this to us? It's been four days! Where have you been?"_

_"None of your fucking business, Hannah. You've got your stellar career to keep you company, you don't need me anyway."_

_"This isn't about me! She looks up to you, and you're off chasing every girl on the station! Do you think she doesn't hear about that?"_

_"She's strong, she can make her own way. If you were a good mother, you'd know that."_

_"How can you say that? I'm here every day, I'd do anything for her! But she needs a father too - one who can show her what it means to be loved and treasured! Instead, you-"_

_"Fuck you, Hannah. I don't need this shit."_

_"No. Don't do this. We can-" there as a grunt and scraping sound. The sounds of struggle continued as the two soldiers fought. In the next room, she screamed into her pillow, anything to keep from hearing this again. She clutched the stuffed ship model he had bought her for her eighth birthday, four years ago, like a talisman._

_There were several moments of silence. Thinking that the fight was over, she crept into the other room. Her mother was on the floor by the couch, trying to stem the bleeding coming from her mouth. "Where did he go?" She asked quietly. Her mother looked up at her, startled. She didn't answer._

_She heard the airlock cycle and she ran to the porthole. They were docked at the Citadel, and she could see her father walking away. But he didn't turn to go into the docking area. He stopped and asked something at the transport a few slips down, his arms making sharp, angry movements. He boarded the ship and in a few minutes it pulled away - away from the Citadel, away from them._

_"Dad! Come back!" she shouted, knowing he couldn't possibly hear. The lights faded into the darkness._

_Her mother was behind her. "Honey, it's okay, I'm still here-" but she shoved her hand away and ran into her cabin, locking the door behind her. She couldn't catch her breath, the pain was too deep. He had left, and he hadn't even said goodbye. She didn't matter to him. He didn't love her. She must not be worth loving. Weeping, she walked in circles in her room._

_Spotting the stuffed ship he had given her on her bed, she snatched it up and began tearing at it. She wanted to destroy it, somehow feeling that he'd be as hurt as she was by the act, wherever he had gone. Her arms weren't strong enough to break the seams. She looked around desperately, yanking open the drawer at her bedside and finding pair of scissors. She went at it viciously, hacking and cutting._

_"Ow!" She said, shocked out of her anger by a sudden slash of pain. She pulled her hand back and saw the blood welling out of the palm of her hand. A clarity came over her with the pain which was such a profound relief, anything being better than the pain that came from out there, from him... and at the thought of him, the anger and the feeling of betrayal came back._

_She looked at the blade of the scissors, her jaw clenched and flexing, nostrils wide. Glancing at the door, she made a quick decision._

_Somewhere no one would see. She lay down on the bed and lifted her nightgown, biting her lip as she positioned the blade below her belly button._ Come and stop me, Daddy _, she thought as she stared out at of the starry porthole next to her bed. With a hot rush of pain, her anger drifted out into space..._

* * *

James woke with the feeling that something was wrong. Shepard wasn't there.

He stood up and looked around the room, flipping on the light. Her armor was still scattered by the door, her clean uniform set out for her. But he didn't see her. He walked up the step to her office and heard a noise in the bathroom. He approached the door and it slid open.

She was in the corner of the shower, but the water wasn't on. A shocking red stream trickled over her hip where she was balled up, her head on her knees. A combat knife lay on the floor next to her. He rushed over to her and touched her shoulder. "What happened? Are you okay? Let me see!"

She lashed out at him with one arm. "Go away! Why don't you just _leave_? Just go..."

"Fuck that, Lola. I'm not going anywhere. Just tell me what happened. EDI, call Doctor-"

"NO!" She screamed. "EDI, belay that. I'm fine."

"You don't look fine, you're bleeding!" She tried to push him away, but he held her arms. "Look at me."

She finally lifted her head. Her face was red and blotchy, a far cry from the stark beauty that was usually there. But there was something open about her expression now that he hadn't seen before, something he'd seen a hint of last night. He put his hand on the side of her face, stroking her cheek with his thumb. "I'm not going anywhere. You should have figured that out by now. Now please, show me."

It was too late to hide it anyway. She unwrapped her arms from her legs and stretched them out. His eyebrows pushed together in concern as he saw the long slash she had made, in perfect symmetry with the hatch-patterned scars that trailed down to her thighs.

He had heard of this kind of thing before, though he had never seen it. But the scars... "Didn't you ever use medi-gel?"

"Mom would have noticed it missing." She said in a small voice.

He looked up at her, his protective instincts in overdrive at seeing someone so strong in this position. "I'll take care of you." He walked over to the shelves on the far side of the bathroom and brought back a small applicator. As he cleaned her up and healed her, he looked up at her again and again. She was watching his hands touch her, the cut vanishing as if it had never happened. "Don't worry." He said. "I know you can still kick my ass."

She found herself chuckling weakly. It was so like him to know what to say to her, even in this bizarre situation.

He stood her up and she leaned heavily against him as he turned on the shower. She just stood there, eyes closed, and let the blood wash away with his arms around her. He shut off the water and wrapped a towel around her, then picked her up and carried her back to the bedroom. He laid her down and walked around the bed to lie down facing her. She just looked at him, green eyes gleaming in the darkness while he stroked her face. Eventually she looked up at the porthole above her bed.

"I love that view." She said quietly.

"Are you going to tell me what happened?"

As she looked up at his face, love for her written all over it, she didn't want to push him away any more. She was scared shitless, making herself vulnerable like this. But if she was going to die soon, what did she have to lose?

"I haven't shown anyone before. I haven't done it for years and years, not since I started fighting in real battles, inflicting real pain. Before that, too, when I discovered the thrill of adventure, I hadn't needed to do it for weeks at a time."

She looked over at him. "I'm surprised at you. You didn't seem the observant type. Even Ashley hadn't been perceptive enough to notice the difference in my scars. No one else had cared enough to ask. I made sure it stayed that way." It was her brand of weakness, of shame. "I think... I've never..." she broke off, unable to finish. Her throat swelled up.

"Why did you do it?"

"He left. He went to Earth and never came back."

"I'm not leaving." His deep voice was devoid of his usual humor. This was a different side of him than she'd seen before. He had always been strong, but he was showing a different kind of strength now.

"I know." She didn't give him the same assurance. She wasn't going to lie to him. She reached out for him and he pulled her close. Her arms wrapped around his neck and she kissed him, really kissed him, for the first time. He could tell the difference, and he knew what she was trying to say without words.

She pulled back and looked at him, her hand smoothing over the longer hair on top of his head, moist from the shower. "Oh, no." She murmured.

"What?"

"I'm going to have to keep you now, aren't I?" _There goes all my careful distancing schemes_ , she thought, bemused.

"You're a smart girl. I'm surprised it took you this long to figure it out."


	9. Winning and Losing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard is exhibiting some curious physical symptoms. Will James figure out what's going on before it's too late?

**Music _: Sex Tape,_ Deftones**

**The ocean takes me into watch you shaking**  
Watch you weigh your powers  
Tempt with hours of pleasure  
Take me one more time

**_Music: Schism,_ Tool**

**The poetry that comes from the squaring off between,**  
And the circling is worth it.  
Finding beauty in the dissonance.

_Bioware owns these characters._

* * *

Shepard was kicking herself mentally when she woke up with the first bell. Had last night really happened? After so many years, after kicking a painful, pointless habit, she had had a _bad dream_ and cut herself again, and he had been there to witness it. Like he always seemed to be. It was enough to make her scream.

It wasn't unusual for her to wake up pissed off, but in this case there were equal parts of shame. For more than twenty years, it had been her dirty little secret. But after just a few weeks fighting alongside him he had managed to literally fuck her into submission and get her to reveal her most vulnerable side. She had known he would be trouble. Her jaw clenched, she turned to where she could hear his low, even breathing next to her.

Whatever intentions she had immediately dissipated when she saw his peaceful, handsome face. How much time did she have left? A few weeks? Was she going to spend it punishing him for loving her, and for her loving him enough to show him who she really was?

A tender look came across her features and she reached up to trace the scar on his face. He murmured, " _Lola…_ " and reached out for her, pulling her to him and kissing her face before resuming his peaceful slumber, his hands softly caressing her back.

She leaned forward, her lips touching his ear. "James," she whispered. "I love you too."

His low chuckle told her he wasn't as deeply asleep as she had thought. "I knew it." He mumbled sleepily.

He began kissing her neck, his large hands roaming over her back, running down to her hips and under her thighs. In a smooth movement, pulled one of her legs up and hooked it over his hip, pushing up into her, already ready, as he usually was first thing in the morning.

She sucked in a breath, her face buried in his neck. He was holding her so close, their bodies intertwined so completely that she wasn't sure where he ended and she began. For once, she wasn't concerned with working it out. He slowly rolled over so he was above her, to kiss her more comfortably as they made love. She looked up at him and saw his face, surrounded by the starfield above them, and found a new favorite view.

"You like that, Lola?" He whispered in her ear a few minutes later, after he rolled her on her side for a new angle. His hands were sliding down her body, from her neck to her thighs, his finger slipping between her legs where they were connected. She moaned and pulled him harder into her with her legs, gripping the edge of the mattress above her head. His hard body flexed over her as he bit her gently on the shoulder, working his way down to her breasts. She reached altogether new levels of pleasure as he practically rode her off the mattress.

Her head was hanging almost to the floor, the sheets a tangle all around them when he finally finished. She grabbed him to pull herself up, but she was weakened, spent, and she laughed as she tumbled to the floor, legs flying. He reached over the edge of the bed, looping an arm around her waist and pulling her back up in one swift movement. "You okay, babe?" He asked with a smile, pulling her close.

"More than okay." She said, pulling his head down to her. They kissed unhurriedly, enjoying this rare peaceful moment. They looked at each other for a moment before she spoke again. "If you like… I'd like it if you moved your things up here." She wanted him close for all the time they had left.

"I like, I definitely like." He laughed, pulling her back into a kiss.

It wasn't long into the aftermath of their lovemaking that he asked the inevitable question. "You probably don't want to talk about this, but I just don't understand how hurting yourself would make you feel better."

The question made her feel tired, an echo of the emotional exhaustion from the night before. But it was at least easy to answer. "There's a rush with the pain… of having control over the uncontrollable, and after a few times there is even pleasure that can override the pain. Then I became an adrenaline junkie in my teens, that's why I haven't needed it for a long time. Not with my work. I'm not sure what provoked the incident last night. I-"

"What is it?" He asked. Her eyes had grown wide. She looked at him quickly and gave a hesitant smile.

"It must have been all the frustration with Kai Leng. I really wanted to kill him, and him getting away… plus failing the mission on top of that… that must be it."

He looked at her. She rolled away from him and stood up, walking to the shower. Though her answer was perfectly plausible, he had the feeling that there was more to it. And obviously, she wasn't going to tell.

Standing in the shower, she covered her face. All the confusing puzzle pieces had come together, and she knew, without a shadow of doubt, that it was the beginning of the end for her. The end of the world was coming, but it was coming for her first.

* * *

After her unusually pleasant morning, Shepard went to the CIC to check her intel. Trayor was waiting for her, almost vibrating with excitement. "Commander, I was able to trace Kai Leng to Horizon!"

Shepard smacked her hands together, a look of glee on her face. "Yes! Good work, Traynor. Joker, set a course. Let's kill that fucker once and for all!"

"You got it, Commander!"

Horizon brought back unpleasant memories on several levels. It was probably her perverse nature that made her choose Ashley to accompany her and James to the surface. She had been hiding out in crew quarters since they had left the Citadel. She wasn't sure why she had even chosen to come back to the _Normandy,_ but one thing she definitely knew was that there wasn't any room for dead weight on her ship. This mission seemed like the perfect opportunity to fuck with her a bit too, and Shepard wasn't one to turn down an opportunity to twist the knife.

Ashley didn't have any commentary for the trip down. She just kept looking at her and James, standing close to one another near the shuttle door. Shepard had wondered how James would act, but he was as unaffected as ever by interpersonal undercurrents. He just wasn't that deep; but then, that was part of what she liked about him. Life was complicated enough without bringing it all to bed. She looked up at him and smiled. He smiled back, both of them rocking in motion with the shuttle as it entered the atmosphere.

EDI reported in. "The Horizon Sanctuary facility was been taking in refugees, but no communication has been heard from them for several days. It's unclear why Cerberus is here."

"There's some action below," Cortez reported from the cockpit. "We're being jammed. I can see a harvester above the facility."

A harvester? Both Cerberus _and_ the Reapers? Shepard smiled in anticipation, readying her weapon. James hooted and pulled out his shotgun as the door opened. Shepard glanced over at Ashley, who was still standing with her back to the door, looking perturbed.

Cortez patched through a signal coming from the surface, a message from Oriana Lawson warning people to stay away. "That's Miranda's sister. She won't be far."

"There is our Cerberus connection." EDI said.

Ashley had grown even more disturbed at the mention of Cerberus. She was shaking her head, looking at Shepard suspiciously. "Cerberus again."

"Are you going to blame me for the reaper presence on all the planets we've been on, too? This is such bullshit. Pussy up or you're gonna get killed down there."

She snapped her head up, glaring at her. "Is that the point? Are you trying to get me killed, taking me on a mission you know will emotionally compromise me?"

"Maybe I'm giving you the chance to prove yourself, assuming you'll pull your professionalism out of your ass. If you serve on my ship, I need to know I can depend on you." She didn't want Williams to die. Not really. But she also didn't want to be saddled with a bitter soldier who couldn't be taken on missions. Plus, Ashley really was fierce on the field, a Spectre with good right to the title. "No one made you leave the Citadel. If you can't come on a single mission with me and fight an enemy we fight almost every day, then you aren't the soldier I thought you were." Ashley didn't reply, just looked away.

They landed to a dug-in force of Cerberus enemies. Shepard and Vega ran ahead, taking positions behind the crashed vehicles. They moved, as they always did, like a single organism. Shepard throwing a turret ahead and switching to sniper to take care of the Nemesis on the upper floors while James went to hand-to-hand with a Phantom. It windmilled away from him, lowering its stance to make a smaller target. James swung with his left arm, shadowing his right as he brought up his shotgun to fire from the hip. The Phantom shimmered out of sight, but he reached out with his left arm quickly and grabbed its uniform, slamming it down into the concrete, blood ran onto the ground just before it flickered back into view, eyes glassy and lifeless.

They finished off the wave and began moving up the steps. Shepard looked behind her to see where Ashley was. She was staring at one of the agents on the ground, its helmet lying to the side. Her face was contorted in revulsion. "I know." Shepard said, feeling a rare stirring of compassion. "It's rough. But they aren't human anymore. Cerberus is beyond redemption."

Ashley was shaking her head. "I saw them on the Citadel. Are they all like this now?"

"Yes. I guess I forgot you haven't been fighting them for months like we have."

"They look like husks." She was stepping away, moving toward where she and James stood.

"From what we can tell, they're related. I'm not sure why the Illusive Man is doing it. He was always so hard up about improving humanity, making us superior over all races. Bigoted asshole." She moved to walk into the entrance to Sanctuary.

But Ashley's next words stopped her. "I thought I had come to terms with you being human, really human, and not a Cerberus cyborg. But now…" She shook her head again, looking at the dead Cerberus agent. "They're so powerful. How do you know that they aren't controlling you?"

Shepard gritted her teeth. "How about because I do everything I can to stop them whenever they're unfortunate enough to cross my path? Or how about the fact that I told them to fuck off and stole their ship, then turned it over to the Alliance?" She walked forward, shouting in her face. To her credit, Ashley didn't blink. But this was a side of Shepard she was intimately familiar with. "Or how about the fact that I willingly sat in imprisonment for six months while they tried me so I could get my command back? What the fuck do you want from me, Ashley? Why did you come back at all?"

"That's exactly what I wondered." Ashley said softly. Shepard's eyes widened and her fist gripped. James caught her arm.

"This isn't the time." He said.

Shepard pulled away. "No, we need to clear the air once and for all." Putting his hands up, James backed off and devoted himself to watching for enemies. There was no talking to women sometimes.

"If you wanted me to stay dead, then why did you offer to take me back on the Citadel?" James' eyes jerked back to Shepard when she said this, then resumed his watchful gaze on the facility.

"I thought getting close to you was the only was to find out for sure if it was really you. When you refused, I thought that getting on the _Normandy_ would be the best way to find out. But I can't stand being around you, not knowing if I can trust you. It's killing me!" Ashley shouted back at her.

"That's just fucking great. What am I supposed to do with you on my ship now? You're useless. I'm calling Cortez." Shepard reached for her comm switch. But before she could, James spoke up.

"What if I could prove to you for sure that she's loyal to the Alliance?" He asked Ashley.

The two women looked at him, surprised. Ashley obviously didn't want to acknowledge him as she asked, "How?"

He shrugged. "Think about it. She's only Cerberus if she's a cyborg, implanted with a control chip, or she's indoctrinated like them." He gestured at the dead agent a few feet away. "If she was a cyborg or had a control chip, they would definitely have found it on Earth. You have no idea how invasive they were." He looked at Shepard sympathetically. "As for the other, there are physiological signs of indoctrination. A sleeper agent wouldn't have made it through those examinations without suiciding, and reaper indoctrination takes consistent exposure to their technology. Then there are hallucinations and other behaviors to give them away. But she acts just like she always does." He gestured toward Shepard again. "I was with her the whole time, so I know. But you don't have to take my word for it. You're a Spectre. Access her records. It's all there."

They both stared at him. Finally Ashley cleared her throat. "I didn't have time to really adjust to being a Spectre before we left the Citadel. That never occurred to me."

Shepard had a slow smile dawning on her face. He was constantly surprising her with hidden depths, depths that nonetheless had no trace of the dark shadows that she possessed. She turned back to Ashley. "You can check your facts when we get back to the _Normandy_. Can we get back to the job now?"

"Yes, ma'am." Williams readied her weapon with a familiar businesslike look. Shepard was relieved. She hadn't wanted to boot her. Though she was denied the revenge she wanted for the hurt Ashley had caused her here on Horizon last year, having another solid soldier on her team was worthwhile compensation.

"Let's do it then." She gestured for James to take point and they followed him into Sanctuary.

* * *

The scene was gruesome. Cerberus had led the refugees like sheep into a subterranean facility where they were literally turning them into husks. Using innocent people as lab rats so they could study the Reaper's communication methods was right up their alley.

It wasn't until James saw Kai Leng's image on the footage that he really started to worry. Like always, Shepard had been building into a rage as they moved through waves of husks, but when she saw Kai Leng she growled and bounced a step in excitement. Ashley gave her a startled look.

James put his hand on her shoulder. "Don't lose your cool again, Lola. You get crazy every time you see him."

"I'll kill that fucker if it's the last thing I do." She said, then slapped her hand to her nose as it began to dribble blood. The others didn't seem to notice as she ducked away and walked toward the door, applying medi-gel as she went.

"Yeah, but we don't actually _want_ that to be the last thing you do, so…" His use of the plural was intentional, pulling Ashley into the mix. Williams looked at him but didn't seem disinclined to disagree.

"Whatever. He's going down." Shepard led the way into the next area.

"What is your deal with this guy, anyway? Did you know him?" Ashley asked.

"Never saw him until the Citadel. Anderson knows him from before, he can tell you more about him. I don't really give a shit about his story. All I know is, he escaped me twice already."

"The Commander doesn't like to lose." James chuckled.

"I know that." Ashley said sharply. "It just seems like there's more to it."

Shepard swept her rifle sights across the room ahead as she answered, almost without thinking. "I guess he just makes me think about what I could have been, if the Illusive Man had let Miranda put a control chip in me like she wanted. Nothing like that has the right to exist."

Ashley asked, surprised, "Miranda? The same one with the message we saw earlier?"

"The same. We didn't part on good terms, but she'd do anything to stop her father from whatever he's doing here. He's just like the Illusive Man. It would appear they've teamed up too, so she's doubtless turned on Cerberus. That must be why Kai Leng came here."

"To kill her." James finished.

"Right. Oriana is an innocent, totally unrelated to this business. If she came here for shelter and her father found her, that would explain why Miranda came running. What a fucked up family." Shepard said. Put hers to shame.

They approached a terminal where a security video was looping. Shepard hacked it with her omni-tool and found a live feed of Miranda shutting down the power to the processing plant. As she left the area, Kai Leng dropped silently from the ceiling and followed her. The video feed cut off.

"Shit! She won't know he's there. Come on, let's hurry. She'll have valuable intel."

They ran to the next room and were immediately set upon by brutes and banshees. Shepard was mentally cursing for each second she lost getting to Miranda.

Ashley and James were a surprisingly good team. Garrus' sniper rifle wouldn't have been ideal in close quarters like these and Liara didn't have the same flow in combat like her professional soldiers did. Maybe this could be her new heavy combat team.

Then the fighting stopped. "Do you think you could stop finishing off my combatants?" Ashley began.

 _Shit_. She'd forgotten about that peeve of hers. It had never mattered to her, since she mostly offered support until it came to hand-to-hand, but James was so gung-ho for the fight that he didn't keep track of who hit what. "For fucksake, Ash, give it a rest. It's not a competition. You and your damned points."

"It may not make a difference to you, but-"

"It's okay. I didn't know it would bother you. I'll stay off your kills." James said agreeably. Nothing could have pissed Ashley off more than this reasonable answer from him. Shepard smiled as she turned away. He was getting her revenge for her and he didn't even realize it.

She downloaded a mass of intel on the Cerberus experiments a the next console they found, after fighting through another few waves of husks and marauders, a disappointing reminder of how deep in bed Cerberus was getting with the Reapers. Not that she expected anything less of them, but it was a marriage made in hell for the rest of the galaxy. The intel included an incredibly damaging video provided by Miranda of her father and the Illusive Man collaborating over the experiments.

"Come on. Looks like she's in the tower." And still alive, Shepard thought with relief. She never thought she'd be glad to see that hideously perfect face again. She'd like to make her nose crooked, but still.

They rode a tram across to the tower and took the lift up, fighting off whatever enemies came their way. On the other side of the final door they could hear raised voices. She gestured for Ashley and James to take either side of the door and hit the release for the door.

It slid open to reveal Lawson arguing with his two daughters, Miranda on the floor, bleeding. When he saw Shepard, he grabbed Oriana and put a gun to her head. "Not another step, Commander!"

Did he think she was stupid? "Drop the gun, Lawson. You aren't going to kill her. But I _will_ kill you unless you hand over the data and let her go."

He looked at the girl in his arms and back at Shepard. "You ask for a lot."

"Your life in exchange. I have no argument with you." She lied. Like she'd let him leave this place alive.

Another moment's thought and he released Oriana. "Fine, but I want assurances that-" Those were his last words before Miranda hit him with a biotic throw that had him crashing through the glass and falling several stories to the ground.

"You beat me to it. But you had a right to the kill." Shepard said, putting her rifle away.

"He had it coming. Kai Leng took the data and left just before you showed up, but here." She handed Shepard a small device. "I planted a trace on him. You have to act quick."

The rage had been at a slow simmer since she realized that the assassin wasn't in the room, but this gift instantly made her feel better. They'd find him. And she would personally kill him. "Thanks for this. It's just what we need."

"I'm going to take Oriana somewhere safe and stay off the grid. Good luck, Shepard." The two women walked toward the lift together. Shepard turned to her team.

"Cortez, we're ready for pickup." She radioed. "Good work, guys. We'll have to do this again."

Ashley gritted her teeth. "Can't you bring Garrus along next time?"

Shepard laughed. "Jealousy doesn't become you, Ash. Plus, it makes no sense in this case. You can hardly stand to be in the same room with me before you start making accusations of treason. And what's your beef with my man?"

Ashley made a gagging sound. "I only asked questions about my fears because I don't want them to be true, but I couldn't see any evidence that it wasn't. And why _him_? He's so… so…" She looked him over, standing there with an innocent expression on his face, and struggled to find something insulting. " _Macho_." she finished lamely.

She couldn't help laughing again. "All you're doing is proving why we shouldn't ever be together. It was all for the best. I guess I should thank you for knifing me in the back here all those months ago." Shepard was still smiling as they boarded the lift. She stood next to James and looked up at him. "Yes, I should thank you."

He returned her smile and Ashley turned away.

* * *

_**Normandy** _ **, Deck 1**

Shepard finished her report and stood up, stretching. James was leaning against the entrance to the office with a glass of whiskey held out to her. She took it and moved closer, until her chest was pressing against his. She looked up at him, taking a sip of the drink before setting it down on the desk. "Thanks."

"Not into the ladies anymore, huh?" He was caught up with their conversation just before they left Horizon.

"It was never about sex. Not even with you, believe it or not. Although," she smirked as she walked around him, "it does help."

"So what is it about?"

"What else? How we fight together. If you can dance together in the field like we do, you can dance in bed too. It's never been wrong. But the fight always came first."

There was a brief pause before he continued in another vein. "We're almost there. Cerberus Headquarters is next, then we can go to Earth." He said, following her.

Her eyes dropped. She was glad he couldn't see her face as she responded. "That's right."

"You'll finally get to kill Kai Leng." He said.

She smiled. "True."

"You were bleeding again today. Did you ask Chakwas about it?"

She snorted a laugh, still looking away. He had noticed after all. She stared into the fish tank, watching her eel smoothly navigate the water. "It's nothing I can't handle. She can't help. Don't worry about it."

"If you say so." Turning her around, he pushed her up against the fish tank and kissed her, a brief but passionate taste. He loved how full of fire she always was. It was never dull when she was around. "I'd feel better about it if you'd find out though."

She huffed an exasperated sigh. "Fucking hell, James. You're not my mother. Stop acting like it. It would make what I'm about to do to you really creepy." She began tugging at his belt. He smiled. She was insatiable, at him every time they were alone. They really were perfect for each other.

He pushed her harder into the glowing tank, his belt digging into her belly and stopping her hands. She looked up at him. He was looking down at her with that same smile on his face, but he seemed somehow more serious. "What?"

"You said you'd keep me." He stared into her emerald eyes, dark with the light behind her.

She smiled crookedly. "I intend to." _  
_

"I want to keep you too."

She cocked her head at him. "Good."

But he was still looking down at her with that expression that made her feel like she was falling. "What are we going to do after this is over?"

A chill settled around her, but she didn't let it show. "What do you mean?"

"I'm going through the N7 training after we kick the reapers' asses. You'll be going on missions. What will happen to us?"

"I'll still love you." This line of questioning wasn't wholly unexpected, but there wasn't much she could do about it. She wouldn't be around anyway.

He shook his head. "I want more." She had been hard enough to win without locking it down at the first opportunity. If he had his say, she'd be with him permanently. James Vega wasn't afraid of commitment. In their line of work, too, waiting was not generally a good idea. The right moment was always right now. "I want you to marry me before I go to Rio."

Her heart dropped to her stomach. His simple words suddenly brought to the foreground the life she had never let herself consider, a life of companionship, of stability, of kindness. Sitting at the brink of the final battle, she was suddenly overwhelmed with how much she wished it could be; impossible, impossible wishes. After her realization from the other night, she knew she was already losing that fight.

This vision of the future rose and fell in equal rapidity. Her heart was mended and then broken again in a single, swift stroke. It was startling, unbelievable that this could even exist. How old had she been - eleven? - the last time she had considered a life like this?

More than that, with him, with this one person, she instinctively knew it could actually have worked. It was cruel that she should be offered this surprise right before she had to lay down her life again. She hadn't told him what was awaiting her on Earth, what she had realized the other night. It would change things, things that she now didn't want to change.

She was crying. She didn't even realize it until he spoke his next words. "Lola," he murmured, bending his knees so he was level with her face. He cupped her face in his hands. He kept lowering himself until he was on one knee. "Please. Marry me when we get to Earth."

She couldn't stop crying. She was experiencing happiness at unimagined levels, and at the same time and in equal parts, grief and sorrow for the heartbreak she was going to inflict on him. It was bewildering, but she didn't try to stop it from happening like she would have once. All she could do was nod.

"Say it, babe. I need to hear you say it." He said, taking her hand in his and kissing her palm, his eyes squeezed shut.

"Yes," she gasped out. "Yes."

He pulled her onto his knee and they kissed again. She knew her life could never work out like this. But she decided that she would allow herself to feel safe, protected and loved in his big arms, living out this fantasy that could never come true, for as long as she could.


	10. Nemesis

**Music:**

**_Where is My Mind_ , Pixies**

**With your feet in the air and your head on the ground**   
**Try this trick and spin it, yeah**   
**Your head will collapse**   
**If there's nothing in it**   
**And you'll ask yourself**   
**Where is my mind**

**_Lazy Eye_ , Silversun Pickups**

**I've been waiting**   
**I've been waiting for this silence all night long**   
**it's just a matter of time**   
**to appear sad**   
**with the same 'ol decent lazy eye**   
**fixed to rest on you**   
**aim free and so untrue**   
**everyone's so intimately rearranged**

_Bioware owns these characters._

* * *

**Cronos Station**

They entered a very familiar room in Cerberus HQ, at least to Shepard. "No fuckin' way." Shepard muttered as she looked around. "Where is that shady bastard?" She walked to the entangler pad in the middle of the room, smiling as she remembered the last conversation she had with The Illusive Man. The look on his face…

Unfortunately, he was nowhere in sight. She gestured to EDI to move to the console. "Find the Prothean VI." EDI nodded and began hacking into the database. Behind them, the entangler field flickered to life.

"It's too late. Nothing you find there will help you. I've accomplished everything I ever wanted. It's a shame you didn't join us, Shepard; you could have actually won this fight."

"Fuck you, I _always_ win. The galaxy will survive in spite of you and your deal with the devil." She said, gesturing flippantly at his image.

"Your idealism is admirable, but control is the only way to win, and I have control of the Reapers. Humanity is and always will be superior, thanks to me and my work."

"We're destroying your forces, we invaded your sanctuary, shut down your operations everywhere we find them. Cerberus is done. You're seriously fucking deluded if you think you're winning."

"Once again you fail to recognize the truth, but it doesn't matter now. Enjoy your chat with the Prothean VI. It's far too late to make use of it. But don't overstay your welcome." The image shimmered out.

Another familiar image filled the space in front of Shepard: the Prothean VI they had last seen on Thessia. Shepard didn't waste any time in asking it what she needed to know. Last time she had missed her chance. "What is the Catalyst? Tell me now!"

The VI answered, "The Catalyst is the Citadel. The one you call the Illusive Man has already warned the Reapers and it has been moved to Reaper-controlled space, to the system you call Sol."

"Shit! EDI, download that thing and warn Hackett that-" But as she spoke, an overload hit the console and a moving shadow on the other side of the room caught her attention.

"You were warned not to overstay your welcome." Kai Leng said, his sword behind his back as he paced.

She wasn't sure if he was expecting some commentary or what, but as soon as she saw him she rushed him, both weapons out and firing. EDI zapped him with an overload to fry his shields as he ran towards her in turn. They met with a great clash, Shepard dropping her weapons and taking him on hand-to-hand.

They were both "improved" by Cerberus, equally battle-proved and hardened by war; it was a fight that she was more than ready for. His leg came up for a kick, his other hand swinging forward with the sword. She brutally dug her armored heel into his knee and grabbed his raised ankle with the other, ducking under his sword arm. She yanked on his leg and punched him in the face with the other arm. He fell back, momentarily surprised, but catching his balance he dove at her again.

The fight was lightning-quick, her team unable to keep track of who was where as Cerberus agents flowed into the room from hatches in the ceiling. James huffed in frustration and admiration at her quick moves before turning to the enemies closing in on their position. James had blown a hole in the floor with a grenade when the enemies had swarmed the room and he and EDI dove in for cover. It was difficult not to watch Shepard instead of the group in front of him, not to even take a look at the sounds of struggle behind them. But he couldn't help her right now anyway, except to keep the waves of enemies from helping the assassin.

Shepard was reaching a new state of being, an indescribable sense of flow in battle that excelled far beyond anything she had ever felt before. As her anger fueled her to new heights of adrenaline, she almost was in love with this vicious character; so like her, her brother, her counterpart in hate. This fight could only happen once. They were like matter and antimatter, drawn to each other again and again, each determined to obliterate the other.

She was alive, fully aware and in a state of hyperactivity. Everything happened in slow motion. His sword arm came up while his upper body dropped, foot extended; her arm blocked his foot and her hand grabbed his wrist; her body dropped back, her knee raising between his legs hard enough to lift him off the ground. She hit the ground, his wrist slamming into the ground next to her while his legs flew out and up. She twisted up on her elbows, wrapping her other leg around him as she flipped. He hit the ground with a loud thump, toppling over the edge of the pit behind them. He leaped across and up, running from her like a coward.

She chased after him to the far side of the room. They circled each other for a few moments, several feet between them.

"You're bleeding, Commander." Kai Leng said, his mouth in a knowing sneer. "Happens a lot, does it? Is there something wrong with your _head_?"

She flicked a tongue out and tasted the blood coming from her nose with a smile, spreading it across her upper lip, over her feral grin. She ignored the fact that she could also feel it dribbling from her ears, a disturbing development. "Like the sight of my blood, fuckface? I wonder if yours is black now. Must be hard to look in the mirror."

"How deeply have the reapers dug in? Has Harbinger taken your dreams yet?" Kai Leng retorted, bent forward and gearing for an attack.

She laughed. When she had realized after Horizon that she was being indoctrinated every time she fought Cerberus, her determination had been set in stone. She'd give up the fight for life before she'd let them win her mind. She was all resistance, her subconscious mind already fighting them before she even knew what was happening, anger rising out of her effort each time she met with a powerful indoctrinated mind.

"None of you have any idea who you're dealing with. They'll never take me." She was glad this conversation was inaudible on the other side of the room, where explosions and screams abounded. "My dreams are mine, my life is mine. I'm not a slave like you."

She evidently struck a nerve with her mocking words. Kai Leng's mouth tightened in anger and he dove at her. She easily jumped his dive, windmilling over him as he slid under her. But it was a ploy to get him out of the corner; he kept running toward her team.

She bolted after him, tossing a combat drone and a turret at her team for backup. She saw EDI respond with an overload to Kai Leng as he ran, halting him in his tracks. Shepard jammed her omni-blade into his kidney as she footswept him, keeping an eye on his sword. Sure enough, he brought it around toward her as he went down. She ducked, swinging her omni-blade into his wrist as she did so. The blade dropped; she caught it, flipped it around and slammed it into his chest in one fluid movement.

Kai Leng stared at her, shocked. Her teeth were bared, eyes glistening with joy as she pushed relentlessly down. He tried to command his arms to grab at her, but he was caught in her eyes like a snake with its prey. He saw his own distorted, barely human face reflected back in her eyes before he died, sputtering a weak gasp.

She watched him fade, then shifted the blade in his chest once, just to be sure. His body twitched and went slack.

A wicked laugh came up from her throat as she ran back to help clear the last of the enemies with her team. She applied medi-gel to clear up the bleeding as she went. Her visor would hide it for the time being.

The enemies stopped rolling in once Kai Leng was dead. The team cleared the room and took the information they needed, signaling Cortez for pickup. EDI went ahead while James and Shepard followed behind.

"How are you feeling about all those videos on Project Lazarus?" James asked as they backtracked through the mayhem they had wreaked.

"I hate the thought of those bastards having me in that position for so long, but it's in the past." She smiled over at him. "And I won! I killed that bastard, _finally_." She was exultant with her victory, not feeling the pressure of invasion from the enemy at all in her mind.

"I think it calls for a celebration." James said, putting his arm around her shoulder. "It's been a good day."

She knew he wasn't just talking about winning the battle. For a moment, she was again intensely aware of the pain he would be in when she was gone. Despite her boasts to Kai Leng, she knew she couldn't prevail against a much stronger indoctrination attack than she had just undergone. Not alive, in any case. She must already have some pretty significant cranial hemorrhaging going on, but if she told Chakwas she'd certainly be relived of her command. Stuck in the sick bay just before the battle for Earth? No fucking way.

But there would certainly be an even more powerful episode awaiting her on Earth, where the the Reapers wouldn't have to use an indoctrinated mind to get to her. A tendril of fear crawled up her spine for the first time in ages, making her doubt her strength. Then she remembered what she had already accomplished and her usual confidence took center stage.

She was still worried about James, though. He would not deal with her death well, of that she was certain. He might even think badly of her deception about being indoctrinated, though she felt that he'd understand eventually. Perhaps she should have turned him down… but then she'd be denied his company for her final days. No, this was the only way. She wanted to spend every moment she had left with him, which was almost the same. Just the length of time was different. So she answered the way she would have if there were more than 48 hours left to her life.

"It _has_ been a good day. Definitely an occasion for a celebration." She stopped him and grabbed the neck of his armor, pulling him down for a kiss. Then they walked on, mindless of the electrical fires and ruins of the space station around them. Cerberus was history, and for one night, they had a future.

* * *

**Deck 1**

She walked into the shower as he was pulling his underarmor down. "Give me a minute," she called out, flipping on the water and ducking in. She quickly rinsed the blood out of her ears and washed her face. She turned to call him in, but found him standing there.

"Come join me," she said, attempting to forestall the obvious question in his eyes. He smiled and walked toward her, leaning her back against the wall for a deep kiss. But before she could really get into it, he pulled back and looked down at her.

"We're going to spend the rest of our lives together, right?"

"'As long as we both shall live,'" She quoted. It was certainly true. She wished he wouldn't push this. It would hurt them both at a time when she wanted nothing but happiness around her. She'd had enough of pain.

"Then you need to tell me what's going on with the breakout bleeding. You don't fool me. It seems to be getting worse. If you're not going to tell the doc, that's your choice, but you should at least tell me."

She looked at him sadly, considering. Her arms tightened around his neck. "James, you will know everything tomorrow. I promise. But tonight let's just celebrate."

He nodded. "Okay. Tomorrow. I'll hold you to it." Unaware of the morbidity of his words, he leaned in to taste her neck, and as she gripped him close she was glad he couldn't tell her few tears from the water that flowed around them. She got a grip on herself before he had a chance to notice.

They spent the rest of the evening in private, enjoying each other's company, talking and fooling around. For a time, their cabin was a microcosm of peace and tranquility, giving her a brief but potent taste of what her life could have been without war, a life with him. He made her smile, laugh, moan with pleasure; every positive emotion she had ever heard of swarmed around him like a dream. And he was hers.

She gazed at him as she straddled him on their bed, running her hands over his chest. She wanted these moments to last forever, to extend them beyond her limited time, or somehow freeze them in place so she didn't have to break his heart by leaving. His arms were behind his head, just looking at her with a smile on his face. He was so perfect right now, everything he wanted right here. She felt privileged to be a part of his happiness, fucked up bitch that she was. He brought out a side of her she had forgotten existed; the woman behind the warrior.

She leaned over to the side table, reaching under the shelf. "What are you doing?" He asked.

"Giving you your autograph." She said with a laugh. She popped the cap off the marker and leaned over him. She signed her full name over his heart, writing the word "forever" in caps underneath. "There. You have your next tattoo." She leaned down and kissed him. "You'll never forget that you're _mine_."

He grinned and rolled over, taking her with him, kissing down her chest to her belly. He took the marker from her and wrote his name where her hip met her thigh, across the taut muscles of her stomach. "Now we'll have matching. We'll have to get it set in ink on the Citadel after the fight tomorrow. Jewelry's not practical in our line of work anyway." He had never been so completely satisfied as he was in this moment. He had won the woman he wanted, the strongest and most challenging woman in the galaxy, and they were about to win the biggest, toughest battle of all time.

He looked up at her with happy, almost child-like eyes. She smiled and ran her fingers through his hair. "I'd love nothing more." He noticed the sadness in her eyes and looked a question at her, but she just shook her head. "Come here." She held her arms out and he moved into them, his mouth claiming hers. No matter what happened tomorrow, tonight they were together. That was all that mattered.

* * *

**_Normandy_ Armory**

James was doing a last-minute check on his equipment after his workout when Garrus came over to join him, his Black Widow cradled in his arms like a baby. The two of them had bonded over weapons maintenance several times over the past weeks.

"Jimmy." Garrus said in greeting, setting down his rifle and pulling up a stool.

"Hey, Scars." He tossed him a clean rag. "You ready for tomorrow?"

"I've been preparing for this my whole life. But then, I always feel that way." Garrus began to disassemble his rifle, setting out supplies. "How about you?"

"I feel like I could take on the whole Reaper fleet myself. Shepard said she'd marry me." He was grinning at the pieces of his shotgun spread over the table, checking the inner working for pits.

There were a few minutes of silence. "Shepard... get married? Are you sure?" He shook his head, suddenly sputtering. "I didn't mean that the way it sounded, I just..."

James chuckled. "No, I get it. She's such a trainwreck about relationships, but that's because she didn't find the right person. I'm not afraid of commitment, I won't pressure her about kids or whatever fuck-all most men do to career women. My _madre_ made sure I knew how to treat a woman the way _she_ wanted to be treated. It'll work, you'll see."

"Well, you do seem to be good for her. She's lost her bitter edge since you two got together." Garrus worked at his weapon for a few moments. "I hope you know what you're getting into. She can be... guarded."

"Don't I know it." James stared off into space for a moment, remembering something. Then he shook himself out of his reverie. "But I won't rush her about that. I don't do things by halves, but I don't want to fuck it up either. I know she's a complex lady."

"You got that right." He looked at Vega for a moment. "Let's see, if I remember human traditions correctly, she'd change her name to Commander Vega." Garrus tilted his head back, considering. He shook his head a little. "It's not the same."

"She could change it to Vakarian for all I care. That's not what it's about. We don't give a shit about that kind of thing, we just want to be together."

"Good, I'm glad to hear it. I thought she'd never find someone she cared about enough to keep for any length of time. Thought maybe Ashley for a while, but you know how that turned out."

"What happened with them, anyway?" James asked, rubbing some gun blue on the stock with an old rag.

"They're both too volatile, plus Ashley never understood Shepard's more... colorful side. All she needed was something to morally hold over Shepard's head to make it go bad, and Virmire gave her all the ammunition she needed. It was something to do with the way her family was perceived after the First Contact War, I think. I'm not close enough to her to know the particulars, but I get the impression she cares more about her family name than her own life. Being the survivor of that mission put a sour taste in her mouth."

"A name's a name. You can't help what family does, so there's no reason to live under that kind of pressure. But I'm familiar with the mindset." James said as he began reassembling his Graal Spike Thrower.

Garrus was still working on his sniper rifle. "When are you going to do it?"

"After Earth."

Garrus looked up at James as he stood upr. "I hope you both make it through. I'd like to see it happen with you two."

"Thanks, Scars. See you in the morning." James went to the lift and pushed the button for Deck 1, where Shepard was writing a letter she never thought she'd write...

* * *

**Crucible Project Team**

**To: Captain Hannah Shepard**

Hi Mom,

I know you're wanting to know how it turned out with Kai Leng. I won, naturally, after chasing him halfway across the galaxy. But that's not why I'm writing.

I wanted to let you know that you were right about what you said in your last message. I can't let the choices of a single man determine my destiny. I've let what Dad did haunt me for far too long.

You were also right about me having what I wanted right in front of me all this time. James asked me to marry him and I said yes. We're just right together, not forcing the pieces into place... though he'd probably bring up how hard he had to work to get through my defenses. I don't think it counts. That was just part of the package.

A lot will happen when we get to Earth, more than I think anyone is truly prepared for. Except for me, of course. But I've made my peace with my future, and I've found my happiness at last. I can't ask for anything more of this life. Second time around, no less. I've had more opportunity to make this life something extraordinary than I ever could have dreamed. I have you to thank for that too, Mom. You were always there, no matter what. Thank you.

I love you forever,

Commander Alice Shepard


	11. Indoctrination

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is an ending really an ending? Or is it the start of something new?

**Music:**

**_Defiance_ , Incubus**

**Something's happening!**   
**And all the rebels and devils have come to naught**   
**To hear your sirening**   
**And who would un ring, oh, your bell?**   
**Defiance, a most awaken inclination**   
**Defiance, your elegant** **aberration**

**_How it Ends_ , DeVotchka**

**There is no escape**   
**From the slave catcher's songs**   
**For all of the loved ones gone**   
**Forever's not so long**   
**And in your soul**   
**They poked a million holes**   
**But you never let them show**   
**Come on its time to go**   
**And you already know**   
**Yet you already know**   
**How this will end**

_Bioware owns these characters._

* * *

One moment, the area around the Sol mass relay was quiet and empty. A second later, the fleets of the Humans, the Quarians, the Geth, the Turians and a dozen other species skipped out of the relay and streaked toward Earth.

The Reapers immediately began to break off their assault on Earth to meet them in orbit. The human resistance fighters retreated into their bunkers, relieved that help had finally arrived; they had been warned through the Resistance network that this was coming.

On the bridge of the Normandy, Hackett entered the CIC and he and Shepard saluted each other. "Commander, are you ready to bring the might of the galaxy to the Reapers?"

Cheesy, but that was part of his charm. "Yes, sir." James and Garrus were by the lift, along with several other of the senior officers, including Dr. Chakwas. They hadn't wanted to miss her giving the command to attack, a special privilege from Alliance Command.

Never before had a fleet this size appeared in the galaxy. Shepard felt a surge of power as she looked over the galaxy map at the multitude of flashing lights heading toward the inner system of Sol. Eventually, they could see the Citadel ahead of them, a cloud of the Reapers rising out of the atmosphere behind it. The Crucible was already almost to the Citadel. At the sight, her head began to pound violently. She struggled to keep her shit together as she spoke.

"Prepare to engage on my mark." Each fleet had its own orders from Command already, so she didn't need to give tactical orders. She waited until she saw the first few reapers pass the Citadel before calling out, "Fire at will!" Clapping and hooting sounded through the CIC as the tiny dots began to zero in on the large red icons representing the reapers.

James' voice came from behind her. "Commander, Admiral Anderson is ready for the push to the Conduit. The shuttle is ready."

She turned around and saw him. Immediately, her head began to swim and she stumbled forward. "Commander! Are you alright?" Hackett reached out an arm to steady her.

"I'm fine." She lied. "Come on, James."

They shared a tense and silent ride down in the lift, followed by an equally tense shuttle to the surface. Shepard checked her weapon again and again while James stood right behind her, their armor occasionally clacking together when they hit turbulence. She loved the sound. She looked over at Garrus, who was watching them. He nodded to her and she felt a little better.

They entered the airspace above Resistance Headquarters and landed to heavy resistance. With the assistance of the fighters on the other side of the barricade, they made their way to the makeshift headquarters fire sputtering off their shields as they ran through the gate.

Anderson shook her hand firmly when they met a short way inside the main building. "This is the big day! You ready?"

"You know it." She said grimly. "We all are. They're already at work." They all glanced up, where the telltale signs of space battle splashed color and light across the night sky.

"Glad to hear it. We've got platoons on the east, coming in toward the Conduit. There's a destroyer between us and the gate, so we've set up missile launchers here," he pointed at the map, "and here. We need one team to launch an attack against the reaper and one to help you get to the Conduit."

"And the platoons?" James asked.

"Distraction." Shepard said. She looked at him, noting the angry expression on his face. "They won't be the last, either, James. None of us may make it, but even if we don't, we're still gonna take them with us."

He hadn't liked her little speech at first, but the end he understood. He bobbed his head in understanding, then went to join the soldiers outside while they finished their briefing.

She came out a few minutes later and sat next to James on the broken curb. He passed her a ration bar. "Keep up your strength." He said. "Can't have you lightheaded. Never seen you like that before."

"Thanks." She broke open the wrapper and took a bite, leaning her head on his shoulder. He looked over at her, and she smiled at him. "I'm sorry for making you worry."

"Yeah. You said today I'd know, but I haven't heard anything yet." He was devoid of humor these days. It was as if he could sense there was something she was holding back. Something big.

"You'll have your answers soon." Her voice was flat. She turned away, taking another bite and looking at the squads of men assembling near the gates. She could feel his eyes on the back of her head. He took a breath to say something right as Anderson came out to give the order.

"The eastern platoons are in position. Let's move out!"

* * *

The Conduit glowed brightly, even brighter than the explosions that ripped across the surface of the destroyer off to the side. Shepard, James and Garrus began to run for it, their final push to their goal. Husks and Marauders came at them from every side, but they attacked as they ran, never slowing their pace.

Dimly, they could see a large, dark shape lower just beyond the Conduit. Soon after, Harbinger's powerful cannon began pounding the ground around them, blasting aside the troops. Shepard dodged and rolled out of the way, catching herself on debris several times. Garrus was running ahead of her when a hit struck the ground in front of him, tossing him to the side like a ragdoll. She dodged the blast without stopping.

On her left, a shot tossed an enormous hunk of concrete high in the air and crashed back down to where James had been. She didn't look, didn't even hesitate as she kept going. The heat of the laser turned a mako ahead to slag, the heat almost blinding her. It was directly in her path, and by time she had passed it she was crawling with exhaustion. Her skin was blistering where her armor didn't cover.

The thought entered her mind that there was no way she could have run across a wide open field without getting hit, especially at the snail's pace she was going. She pulled herself over the edge of an obstacle, distantly wondering why there wasn't any more fire, and more screaming or explosions. But then, her hearing could have gone. That happened sometimes in battle when she wasn't wearing a helmet. She cursed her choice of the visor. But the air was still, too. There was no vibration of battle.

It didn't matter, really; her goal was just ahead, almost in reach. A few husks ran at her as she approached the Conduit, dragging each foot up the ramp. Her hand rose automatically, several shots fired and they went down. She tripped up the ramp, falling once and striking her head hard enough to feel wet running down her cheekbone. She didn't stop to check. She was almost there.

And then she was.

* * *

She had never seen any part of the Citadel that looked like this, but it seemed familiar. There was a Keeper, and bodies everywhere like there had been on the Collector Base. The unmistakable stench of death was in her nostrils, inescapable. She didn't try, though it repulsed her. She found that her pistol was still in her hand, gripping it like it was a part of her that would bleed if she took off the pressure.

Over her comm, she heard Anderson's voice. "Commander? Are you there?"

"David? Did you make it up too?"

"I'm in some kind of long hallway. There's a room ahead. Where are you? Are you injured?"

"What the fuck do you think." She slurred. "I'm in some room with a Keeper and a lot of death. There's a door ahead, I'm headed that way."

There was a pause where she heard some grunting and shuffling through the comm. She made her way through the long hallway he had described, completely focused on keeping herself moving. She knew she was injured, losing blood. Her head was down and she could see it dripping from her, off her elbows, trailing behind her feet. She didn't want to know how bad it was. If she knew, she might just stop moving. Unacceptable.

She entered a large, circular room overlooking a vast part of the Citadel she'd never seen. It put her in mind of the Illusive Man's hideout. A console stood at the far end, where Anderson was wavering. She called out to him, but when he turned around his eyes were almost rolled back in his head, and only a grunt came out of his mouth.

 _Indoctrinated_. Or, at least, in the process of trying to fight it. As she thought this, she saw a shape appear out from the corner of her vision. The Illusive Man.

As she wondered how he got into this room, which only had one entrance, loud whispers began to crowd into her head, telling her how hopeless it all was, spelling out all her worst fears, telling her that her father didn't care, that James only wanted to be with the legend, that she was an absolute failure, hated no matter what she did…

The Illusive Man spoke. "The Reapers value you, Shepard. I know I did – until you betrayed me. But you are the finest specimen of humanity fighting right now. They want you on their side."

"There's no way I will ever say yes. You should know that by now." She rasped out, fighting the indoctrination.

"I don't need your acceptance anymore, Shepard. If only you knew the power that I wield-" He gestured and her hand went up, the pistol leveled at Anderson, still stumbling toward her.

"If you do this, it will be you pulling the trigger, not me." She spat out. The gun went off and Anderson slumped to his knees. The whispers grew louder, her stomach nauseous.

"I have the control now. Of the Reapers, of the fate of humanity, and even of you. You've always just been a pawn in my game, Shepard." He walked behind Anderson and pointed a gun to the back of his head.

"Not this time." Using an immense force of will, she pulled the trigger on her weapon, still pointed where Anderson had been standing, where the Illusive Man now stood. He stumbled back and fell sideways, a pool of blood quickly surrounding his torso. Anderson finally fell over as she stumbled by, on her way to the console.

This situation was wrong, all wrong. There was a feeling of familiarity that transcended the current situation; that she'd felt this way before. Not on the Citadel, though… no. It was somewhere else. An image of Legion popped into her mind for a moment, but she pushed it away. This was no time to reminisce about dead friends.

She went through the motions of activating the aperture that would allow the Crucible to dock, feeling all the time like there was something she was missing, something essential. Something that would make the difference between winning and losing.

She punched in the last few commands to allow the Crucible to dock with the Citadel, her vision beginning to fade. How much blood had she lost? But she had done her part. She slumped over the console and slid to the ground.

A tinny voice came through her headset. "Commander. Commander, come in. Are you there?"

"What?" She managed to rasp out. "What do you want me to do?" She tried to sit up, but her arms gave out.

"The Crucible isn't firing. There's something wrong. See if you can-"

But she was gone, her mind wide open as she felt herself lift into the air…

* * *

Her eyes opened to see a small form standing next to her head. She was surprised to find that she had the energy to sit up. She looked over at the image, obviously a projection, in the shape of a human boy. "Who the fuck are you?" She asked, almost not wanting to know. It was beyond comprehension that this was still happening.

"I am the Catalyst."

She pushed up to her knees. "What do you want?" It was the expected thing to ask, she knew. So she said it.

"No one held out against indoctrination as long as you did. You are the embodiment of resistance. Harbinger has chosen you to be the focus of the Crucible when it fires. You will serve the greater good by wiping out resistance from organics. Then, finally the cycles can exist in peace."

"I don't-" She choked and spit out blood, swaying as she rose to her feet. She'd never been in so much pain. What had happened to her? "I don't understand." She glanced around and saw that she was in a large, open area. It looked like a thousand places she'd been before, but it was oddly silent. The mechanical hum that she'd become accustomed to living in space was absent.

"Understanding is not requisite to obedience. Your mind is ours now. Go now and interface with the Crucible."

"The Crucible is for synthetics."

"No. It was never intended to be, the organics just didn't have the wit to understand what it was. Harbinger is waiting to change its focus, to give it a new purpose. Enter now." The child gestured toward the glowing beam.

Shepard stared at the beam, her arms hanging limply as understanding washed over her. She knew what the Crucible was, what the Catalyst was intended to do.

She tasted blood, she saw red. Everything was pain. Her mind tried to grasp at images that seemed to slip just out of grasp, thoughts of people she knew and places she'd been. Nothing seemed to stick, but for that knowledge that had come to her.

She looked up and saw that there was open space above her. Just like the porthole above her bed, where she had seen James' face…

Her maze of thoughts suddenly crystallized into a single, determined goal and she stumbled toward the beam. The platform was wide, but appeared to drop into nothing on either side. She picked up speed as she ran down the platform, the thought growing ever more clear: _You may kill us all, but you'll never take my mind!_

She took a flying leap off the side of the platform, well before she reached the Conduit, the glowing form of Earth far beneath her the last sight she saw before the bitter cold of space took her, every bit as painfully as it had once before.

* * *

It didn't seem possible that she could wake up to more pain. Her lungs burned as she inhaled smoke, her limbs twitched and vibrated with jerking spasms of energy. She had a sudden realization that her implants were trying to keep her alive, jolting her muscles into action.

She pulled herself from the rubble, achingly slow. It was still night out… either that, or her sight was affected. One shaking hand, slick with blood, grabbed at whatever solid mass was next to her, and finding a grip, her upper body rose up.

 _They couldn't make me do it,_ was her initial thought, filled with self-satisfaction. Then she looked around.

There was smoke and ruin everywhere, the stink of burning metal and plastic replete, choking her. Harbinger still laid waste to the area on the other side of the Conduit a short distance away, the mako gleaming red, just as she had last seen it.

Looking down, she saw something lying across her legs. It was an arm… in familiar armor. Her vision began to clear as she tugged at the debris around the arm, clearing it away until she saw a face.

James was broken and bled out, half covered in an enormous piece of concrete that she couldn't lift. His eyes were glassed over like a fish left on the beach at high tide. He didn't look anything like the man she loved; this shell was empty and meaningless.

Her eyes slid off of him, wheeling around the ruined landscape. She could see, a short distance off, a gleam of blue over silver armor; Garrus lay still and lifeless.

She looked at the bodies of the people she loved, and all of the fetters of her existence fell away. No one to hold her, bind her, ask her for anything. The tentative hold of this world and this galaxy lost its footing in her mind and her heart and she stood up, liberated by the knowledge that there was nothing left that could bind her.

All the time she had been incarcerated on Earth, she had tried to form some sort of attachment to the reasons why everyone else was fighting. So many people had told her over the last few years that she needed to understand what she was saving. They didn't understand that she had done it for herself. Her selfish motivations had been a tightly kept secret, hidden by assumptions of friendship. But it wasn't until now, losing the man she loved, that she finally understood.

She remembered her mother's words in her last message: _Your worth isn't determined by the love of someone other than yourself. Don't let the love of one man define you and determine your destiny._

She looked down at James' dead body. A determined glint appeared in her eye and she turned, facing the reaper that was still laying waste to the city beyond. A tree stood by the Conduit, something that hadn't been there before, flickering images conflicting with the landscape as she realized the truth. Thoughts that had been slipping in and out of view like minnows in dark water were suddenly brought to the surface.

 _Indoctrination_. They thought they could trick her, use her, defeat her, take her will and destroy everything that was important to her so they could wield her like a weapon, like they had done with so many others.

The exhaustion and pain faded away as if washed by rain as she looked up at the reaper. She spoke, gravelly at first, and then more clearly as she went on. "You thought I'd lose hope, didn't you? You thought I'd give up when I lost them." She smiled, her dry lips cracking. They were quickly moistened by the blood that began pouring out of her nose, her ears, even her eyes.

"You'll never take my will!" She was shouting now, walking quickly, then running at the ancient machine. "I'll die first, and you'll have to start over, but I will _never lose_!"

The enormous reaper had turned to face her as she started to shout. Its iris opened and the glowing red cannon powered up. The boom of the laser shook the air around her and she watched the beam lower down to meet her upraised face in slow motion; the entire time, she was still smiling. The blinding light had a timbre all its own as the vibration sounded through her, searing away her flesh, her bones, her very life, and still, in her mind, she shouted her defiance as everything went dark.

* * *

"Why is she bleeding like that?" James asked. One minute she had been giving the order to attack, and then she was on the floor convulsing. It seemed to happen out of nowhere, blood streaming from her nose and ears.

"She's seizing and hemorrhaging, her brain activity is off the charts. I can't tell why this is happening! It has to be more than one thing. I can't pin it down." Chakwas was frantic. Shepard's eyes rolled back to face them. "She's coming around!" The doctor said, relief in her voice.

Shepard choked before she could speak, spitting out blood. "Indoc – indoctrination. But th- they'll never take me alive." She rolled to her side, blood rushing from her nose, mouth and ears. Her head was pounding violently. "EDI. Contact my mother. Tell her to recal-" she hacked on a blood clot, spitting it out and forcing her lips to keep moving. "Recalibrate the Crucible for organics. It's for us. It's for us." She repeated, her voice beginning to fade.

She fell back, her wheeling eyes finding James close by. She felt incredibly weak, a shocking pool of blood spreading out around her on the floor. She reached out for him, and felt his hand in hers. "Thank you." She choked out. "You brought me back, kept bringing me back. You saved me. You saved us all."

He pulled her into his arms, wiping her face with his bare hand. The bleeding seemed to be slowing now. "Lola." He said gently.

She reached up and touched his face. "James…" she whispered. Her hand fell onto her chest and her eyes stared at him blankly. James' mouth hung open as he stared down at her. A fierce pain burned in his chest.

Chakwas yanked her out of his arms, ripping open her uniform shirt. She applied a shock to her heart, tried to jump-start her implants, shot her up with adrenaline, everything she could think of to save her life. But she was already gone.

James stood up and backed away, staring at the limp, empty shell that had been the woman he loved. Her death was a profound shock; as soldiers, they assumed a quick death on the battlefield. Standing here in the bright CIC with her body bled out in front of the spinning galaxy map was an image he would never forget. Her empty eyes still stared at where he had been. He stared at her broken body while the others worked over her in slow motion.

He roared in anger, calling her name out in grief; he slammed into the wall behind him; he turned and punched it. He wasn't aware of the people there, giving him a wide berth as they too began to grieve for the Commander that they had sworn to serve.

EDI came over the comm. "The Crucible has been re-calibrated and is firing."

Shepard's final command had been correct; the Crucible would work. A wave of relief went through the room, all but James, who was insensible at the moment.

A bolt of energy surged through the Citadel, hitting the Sol relay and spreading to every mass relay in the galaxy. As it spread, the organics that had been indoctrinated were suddenly freed, even the Keepers and the altered species that served inside the Reaper's shells. They had a new command: to attack and destroy their former masters.

Shepard's revenge was complete; Cerberus' massively indoctrinated ranks were decimating themselves even as the Reapers were destroyed from within. The sleeper agents throughout the galaxy were freed from their bonds as well, never again to be slaves to the Reapers' will.

The fleets moved in to destroy the Reaper forces, but back on the _Normandy_ , squad members had rushed up as the news quickly spread that the Commander was down. When he stepped off the lift and saw the undeniable scene, Garrus bowed his head, feeling deeply the loss of his closest friend.

"There's no brain activity." Chakwas said as she scanned her. "Let's get her to Med Bay!" Several others helped her bundle up the Commander and board the lift. James stayed with them, his eyes never leaving Shepard's face.

Part of him was expecting her to come back to life at any moment. Surely something Cerberus had done would prevent it, it couldn't be possible that she had actually gone. But she just lay there, growing cold under the lights of the med bay.

James had felt loss before, and felt it deeply. He had felt it when his mother had died, when he had lost his squad on Fehl… and there were other times, other friends he had lost. But he had given this woman his heart. He had devoted himself to helping her shoulder the burden she had been given in any way he could. And now, just days after she'd agreed to be with him forever, she was dead.

They thoughtfully left him alone, not asking him to leave. He stood next to the cot, just staring as they did whatever they were doing to her body. She was still beautiful, and it pained him that he couldn't hold her and force her to respond as he had before. There were dark shadows around her eyes… the bright green eyes that had pierced him through the first time they had met. They wouldn't shine on him again.

None of the qualities that had made her a force of nature were present in the room. There was no fight in her now. No passion. No light. No life.

He walked forward and gently removed her dog tags, then touched her eyelids and cheek once. Numbly, he turned and walked to the lift. Others were waiting outside the door. He didn't see them as he passed.

He pushed the button for Deck 1. The lift was so silent, so empty without her vibrant presence to fill it. He entered the cabin and was instantly surrounded by her; her smell, her voice, her love, everything that made her who she was. He was so overwhelmed by the feeling that he almost thought she was there with him. But as quickly as it came, it was gone.

He was in an empty room filled with memories and souvenirs of her life and previous death. Just a few hours ago, while they were getting ready for a battle that he wouldn't get to fight, she had sat on that couch and told him she loved him. " _As long as we both shall live."_

She had won, like she always had. They both loved to win. Only this time, they had both lost, too.

And over there, the other day she had said that she would do whatever it took, that winning was the most important thing. That nothing would stop her or force her to give in to the Reapers. She certainly had proved that.

He glanced toward the bathroom, the place where she'd said, _"Y_ _ou will know everything tomorrow. I promise."_

With an unusual feeling of intuition, he walked over to where she had lain three nights ago under the stars and told him that she knew why she got the nosebleeds, and that she had it under control. His eyes grew large as he looked around, remembering incident after incident, all adding up to one thing: she had known all along.

 _She knew._ He sat down on the bed and laid back, surrounded by the smell of her. She must have been fighting indoctrination since Tuchanka, weeks ago. What an amazing testament to her powerful will. He looked up at the endless starfield that she loved so much, the child of space, born in space, who died in space. She would have appreciated it.

She had tried everything she could not to get involved with him. To protect him from going through exactly what he was feeling now. Partly, he was sure, to keep him from getting in the way of her success. Only she had said that he had saved her. Brought her back. Being with her had been the right thing, in the end.

" _There. You have your next tattoo. Now you'll never forget that you're mine."_ He put his hand over where she had signed her name.

In a few hours, the smell of her would be gone forever. Her body would be committed to the cold of space, the burial she would infinitely have preferred. When they prepared her casket, he would make sure they put in a window so she would look out into the starfield she loved so much, forever. At the very least, he could do that for her.

Looking up at the stars, the grief finally overtook him. He covered his moist eyes with his hand, her dog tags clinking against his face. His life would never be the same.

* * *

**Six Months Later**

James stood at attention, about to receive the honor he had worked so hard for: N7 status.

He saluted his commanding officer and shook his hand. Off to the side, a few people from the _Normandy_ crew and others he knew from the service cheered. His uncle was among them.

Before he left the platform, he turned to the north, where, invisible in the daylight, her memorial was stationary behind the fleecy clouds. He saluted it before moving to accept the congratulations of his friends, his hand briefly touching where he had had her signature inked onto his chest. He wished she could have been there. She would have been so proud. She would have teased him and spent the entire night congratulating him.

High above the ceremony, the floating casket faced the outer system, the stars spinning infinitely through the porthole. A red light flashed on the top of the satellite, marking it as special amongst the rest of the debris around Earth.

But inside the window, there was nothing, not even that which had once been the hero of the galaxy, Commander Shepard. The empty box was only a symbol to the ones that mourned her. To the Illusive Man, Shepard was a resource that had been bought long ago; a resource which he had claimed.


	12. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James finds out that Shepard's death wasn't quite what it seemed.

**Music:**

**_Black Hole Sun_ , Soundgarden**

**In my eyes, indisposed**  
 **In disguise as no one knows**  
 **Hides the face, lies the snake**  
 **The sun in my disgrace**  
 **Boiling heat, summer stench**  
 **'Neath the black the sky looks dead**  
 **Call my name through the cream**  
 **And I'll hear you scream again.**

**_With or Without Yo_ u, U2**

**See the stone set in your eyes**  
 **See the thorn twist in your side**  
 **I wait for you**  
 **Sleight of hand and twist of fate**  
 **On a bed of nails she makes me wait**  
 **And I wait without you**

_Bioware owns these characters._

* * *

**Above Gellix**

James stretched his arm as the shuttle lifted out of the SSV _Orizaba_ , checking to see how the tendons were repairing. His recovery had taken longer than he would have liked, the physical therapy taking over his usual workout for almost three weeks. He was almost back to his previous bulk. He hadn't lost too much in that time, but enough to be immediately noticeable. It was harder to get back into shape than it was to stay in shape, that was certain. He hadn't enjoyed losing his main way to burn off frustration.

In the six months he'd been in training, Cerberus had made a surprising comeback. Higher ups in the organization had been better able to deal with the sudden retraction of indoctrination, claiming the Reaper tech as the derelict hunks shut down all over the galaxy, sabotaged from the inside. To their benefit, also, the creatures which had previously been bred to the Reaper's demands were ideal servants, not as mindless as they had assumed but still without will. Cerberus needed only to give them direction, and they had an army in their hands.

The Batarians had been the first to fall. They were easy pickings and had reserves of weapons to shore up The Illusive Man's losses. Now they were after the Terminus colonies again, taking control of supply chains and moving in to "save" the population from starvation. It was diabolical, when it came right down to it.

It had been on his tenth mission, this time to the Shrike Abyssal, when his team had come across some intel about a series of labs that had sprung up along the outer rim, often simply re-inhabiting abandoned labs like this one. Cerberus loves their labs, James thought.

They had hit one of the labs, the information leading them to believe that there were refugees being held there, but it was a trap. Inside the main cell, the door had been rigged to blow. James had caught the blast along the right side of his body. His armor took most of it, but he had hit the corner of the wall opposite and a tendon in his right shoulder had torn when his arm bent back. The healing time was just a few weeks, but it put quite a dent into his routine.

It was good to be back on the job, though. His team had struggled without him, making him think that he may have to look again at their dossiers and try a few new squad members. His right-hand man, Lt. Henry Kalvo, had held things down fairly well in his absence. But James couldn't help but remember the fluidity and responsiveness he had experienced during those two short months with her.

He couldn't even think her name, it was still too painful. He was brutally aware of the ink on his chest, where she had marked him. How ironic, that it should feel like the brand of a prisoner now. He couldn't escape his grief, couldn't find a replacement. She had made the claim knowing she wouldn't be there. No one could follow her, or even look at him, without being reminded of the claim she had staked. And he had so much life ahead of him to think about it. He was in no hurry to repeat that heartbreak.

There was a certain bitterness, too, that had invaded his persona. His friends had noticed the change, he was sure. There was little humor in him now.

Battle was much easier. Point him at the action and say "go". _Adrenaline is better than oxygen any day_ , he thought, his old axiom.

This mission was likely to be especially tough, one of the experimental labs on the list. At the last one like this, it had played out much like a reaper mission, cannibals and banshees everywhere, only loyal to Cerberus. It was enough to give anyone nightmares. Evidently Cerberus was using the indoctrination technology the had studied on Horizon on all life forms but humans, in an attempt to force humankind to the top of the evolutionary ladder.

The shuttle landed to an eerily silent base. The wind whipped around the top of the mountain as they ran into the open bay doors, stealthily creeping from crate to crate as they moved toward the center of the underground compound.

It was soon evident that the place had already been evacuated, the core database scrubbed clean. James cursed for a moment as he looked around. He'd been all ready to go, too.

"Lieutenant Commander!" Kalvo called out with his thick Texan accent, eager as always. "There's some surveillance data left from the withdrawal. Maybe we can figure out where they went." He added as Vega approached. His hands raced over the controls, pulling up the last logs. "This is from the room over there." Kalvo said, pointing. "This was the last patient they evacuated."

The camera was stationed in the upper corner of the room, as it usually was. A shapely figure was pacing back and forth in front of a medical bed, where a patient was covered and strapped down. A dark figure walked in. "Fuck! Kai Leng! How the _hell_ is he alive?" James said.

The woman spoke with a thick Australian accent. "If you wait a few days, the eezo treatments will be complete. There's no reason to wake her. I need these facilities to monitor the development!"

"The Illusive Man wants her now, and we've got to evacuate. Finish the treatment now."

She stood protectively in front of the still figure. "It could burn out her implants and kill her! He won't want her dead, not after all this. We haven't had time to-"

"This isn't your call, Miranda. It's mine. And if she dies, so more the better. Do it, or I'll personally pay little Oriana a visit."

Her head dropped slightly in defeat and she turned to the bed, tapping out a sequence. She began to back up, her hands clenched.

The figure on the bed began to tremble. The arms strained at the straps that held her down, fingers spread. Tremors rapidly crawled in from the figure's fingertips, gradually reaching the torso. The blanket shook off, revealing a familiar form; the implant scars along her arms glowed an angry red, the flesh around them blistering.

"What the fuck!" James exclaimed, looking at the face, blurry but recognizable on the console. His eyes widened and his jaw dropped as the tremors reached her neck. Her muscles tightened, cords showing as they wracked through her head. Her head shook with tension, lines across her temples glowing brightly, pulsing with light.

Biotics crackled around the bed visibly and the body lifted, the straps breaking from the bed, bolts flying. A broken sound came from the writhing figure and her hands moved down her face, nails raking over the glowing veins lacing across her temples. Her body twisted to the side in the fetal position, her eyes squeezed shut, hovering just off the cot.

* * *

_Everything was so bright. Not the quiet, cold darkness she remembered, but lit with fire and pain, sparking everywhere like a being caught in a lightning storm. She was drowning in crackling fire and light._

_There was a deep, pounding vibration at her core. As each beat resounded, the universe pulsed with scenes from her life. She saw her father leaving, a million slashes of red; her ship exploding in the fading darkness; a white tower exploding with a shower of glistening snow; her lover's face surrounded by stars… the only true lover she had ever had._

_The pain increased exponentially, as each memory become more and more vivid, seeming to crowd in her mind all at once, along with every other memory of her life. But in the forefront of her mind, above it all, she saw his hazel eyes looking down at her…_

_The pounding reached a fever pitch, and a loud voice shouted her name._

* * *

She screamed and exploded backward off the cot, hitting the wall with an audible thump and knocking the others back. "Shepard!" Miranda called out, recovering and stepping forward.

James was in a state of shock, staring at the small shape that flung her arms out, backing into a corner, whimpering in pain. Blackened streaks appeared around the reddened lines of the implants and she screamed again, but this time a name. _"James!"_

They watched as the pair struggled to subdue the disoriented Commander. Kai Leng allowed Miranda to coax her out of the corner, leading the way out of the room. He noticed Miranda look at the camera once and tuck something under the corner of the bed as she passed it.

"Did you see that?" Kalvo pointed at the screen, excited. James turned and ran through the door, flipping over the mattress. A small memory chip lay on the metal surface. He handed it to Kalvo, who was right behind him. "Find out what's on this. Use the shuttle console, just in case." Kalvo, always happier with a clear objective, ran to the landing pad with obvious enthusiasm.

James slowly walked out after him into the sunshine, the cold wind whipping painfully at his bare cheeks, his helmet at his side. A single thought ran through his head, over and over: _She's alive._

But is she still herself? He didn't want to let himself hope that they hadn't put a control chip in her head this time. They were unlikely to make the same mistake twice. But still, if he could find her… for the first time in almost a year, he felt hopeful.

* * *

The chip Miranda left didn't have much data on it, just two small files: the release command for the control chip in Shepard's brain, and the name of a planet, Pragia.

Admiral Hackett, in command of the Fifth Fleet and the SSV _Orizaba_ , approved the mission quickly. They made their way to the Nubian Expanse, to the jungle planet where Shepard had destroyed a Cerberus facility several years earlier.

"What's the plan, hoss?" Kalvo asked.

"We know Cerberus will be waiting for us, but we have an ace in the hole. As soon as we're in range, we release Shepard's control chip. Then all we have to do is help her escape. I wish we could stay and clean house, but our priority is to get her out."

The jungle was much too thick to come in from the ground. The shuttle hovered just out of sight as he triggered the command with a satisfied smile, using facial muscles that hadn't been stretched out in a long time. "We just have to wait for her signal." He felt the old rush of excitement, long absent from his fighting style.

"Does she know we're coming?" One of his men asked, after a few quiet moments passed.

"No."

"Then how will she-" A fiery explosion blossomed on the near side of the base, and James pointed. "There! Let's go!"

They raced over the treetops toward the landing pad nearby and jumped out, weapons trained on the stairwell ahead of them. His five-man team fanned out ahead of him and they crept into the next area, an open platform that looked over the choking green vista. Sounds of fighting could be heard from the other side of the door.

The door slid open and several Cerberus agents backed out, which his squad gunned down. As they watched them fall, still moving forward, an agent was flung biotically through the doorway. A dark-haired figure in an skin-tight outfit paced sure-footed through the doorway, unloading two shots into the soldier's head before she turned his way.

Miranda looked at them without surprise. "I thought you'd never get here. They were about to start modifying her genetic structure." She turned and looked over her shoulder. A wild-looking woman walked haltingly from the hallway wearing the white pants and shirt commonly given to patients. Red lines pulsed and glowed along the visible parts of her arms, her temples and spiderwebbing across her bare feet. Her eyes stayed on the ground, wide and unseeing, but James had the feeling that she could sense all of them.

She stopped and looked up, her eyes unerringly connecting with his. Everything around them faded away and went quiet for an eternal moment.

Above them, a dark figure watched the exchange with a smile on his face. Shepard's head jerked up and saw Kai Leng as he dove from the upper level toward James, sword drawn. Lightning-fast, she grabbed him biotically and threw him off the balcony, impossibly far into the canopy of trees. She stumbled forward, her biotics still streaking crazily around her, and lay writhing on the ground.

Miranda tried to stop James as he moved toward her. "She's still ham-fisted with her biotics, they're way beyond her control."

But he shoved her off. He dropped his rifle and dropped to his knees, bundling her tightly in his arms. "I'm not going to let you go, Lola. I'm _never_ going to let you go." She heard his voice and struggled to get the powerful biotics under control, to keep from hurting him.

He grunted as shocks coursed down both of their bodies, his wrists locked around her. His body jerked with the force of it, but he didn't let go. There was a change, and then her labored breathing was all he could hear, her body soft against his. He leaned his head back to look at her. Her head raised and she looked back. Her eyes were green and brilliant as ever as they slowly focused.

"Are you back?" He asked her, stroking her hair.

Words were beyond her. She wasn't at that point yet, her body vibrating with intense pain. But her arms tightened around his neck and she touched her face to his.

Relief washed over him as he lifted her warm, alive body off the floor and began running toward the shuttle. One of his men grabbed his rifle as they followed. He kept her in his arms, her face resting on his shoulder plate as the shuttle lifted them away.

He had to look away from her so he wouldn't lose his shit in front of his men. Never in his dreams had this been a possibility. He couldn't believe that she was really in his arms. A part of him had been convinced that it was another trap, a cruel joke that the universe was playing.

Miranda was scanning her and applying medi-gel. "She'll be fine, she's just drained." She stood up and took a step back. The men on his squad were trying not to stare at her skimpy outfit as she asked, "Will your Captain allow me on board? Someone has to train her so she doesn't burn out her implants."

"Admiral Hackett is in command of the _Orizaba_ at the moment. I imagine he'll allow it if you're what she needs."

She nodded. "Good. I have a debt to repay the Commander."

But James wasn't finished. "How is this possible? She- and Kai Leng- I saw them both die!"

"Cerberus doesn't put money into anything without failsafes. They're both much harder to kill than you might imagine. Since she had a space burial she was preserved in the cold until Cerberus recovered enough to retrieve her." She met his eyes. "You should know that the Illusive Man considers her his personal property. He'll come after her. He'll send Kai Leng, and some others too. We have to prepare her."

"She'll have all the help she needs." He looked down at her again. Her eyes hadn't left his face. One hand lifted to trace the scar on his cheek, the red light from her implants casting a faint glow across his face. He held her hand there and said softly, "Lola."

"James." She whispered. Her eyes drifted close, exhausted. But before she dropped off, he heard her murmur, " _Mine_."

He couldn't help the wide grin that stretched across his face.

* * *

**Crew Quarters, on board the _Orizaba_**

She came out of the deep, dreamless sleep gradually, each moment unfolding with incredibly potent brightness. It wasn't her senses that were heightened, but her mind. It was as if every nerve in her body had been turned on and wouldn't turn off, ever since she had come back. All of the pain and anger that had colored her previous lives had been scrubbed away when she woke with no thought but of love for him.

He had changed out of his armor and was sitting on the desk chair next to the bed in the cramped room, head resting on his hand, just watching her. When her head turned, he dropped his hands and leaned forward.

He looked older. Her mind was noticing all the little changes in him, like the way the smile lines above his mouth had smoothed out. She saw a bitterness in his eyes and the set of his shoulders. It had seemed that he was glad to see her on the shuttle, but was it possible that he could still love her? How much had they both changed?

Her death had been hard on him, as she had known it would be. She could remember the exact thoughts she had had back then with vivid clarity. How incredibly selfish she had been! Despite the fact that it had worked out in the end, she was certain the same result could have been achieved if she had asked for help.

She had agreed to marry him, knowing it would never happen. She had deserted him in life to win the fight for her mind, which she lost anyway. He deserved far, far better than her. His face was proof enough. She had dragged him down, killed his bright spirit by clinging to her anger and her hate. And she had staked a claim that he had certainly taken very seriously, a claim that she hadn't been able to make good on.

She pulled herself up, her eyes not leaving his. She waited for him to speak, to set the tone the way he needed to.

Several minutes passed before he spoke. When he did, his words were plain. "You knew."

"Yes."

He chewed on his lip as he looked at her, breathing hard out of his nose. Now that she was here, all the anger he had suppressed at her deception was rising to the surface, behind the ache that still knotted in his chest. "You said yes to me then, but you _knew_."

Tension crossed her face as she found the right words. "I hated knowing how you'd be hurt, but not being able to be with you…" She shook her head. "Not an option. Especially not then. And I would have said yes even if I hadn't known."

He didn't say anything, suddenly wary of opening up this wound. He didn't do commitment by halves. This was the woman he had chosen above all others, and she had deceived him and left him.

She saw this, and knew she had to be for him what he was to her. A lover, a partner, a friend. And, in this case, a healer. She moved forward, sliding off the bed until she knelt on the floor in front of him. She took his hands into hers, a part of her rejoicing as the earthy smell of him reached her. She turned his hand over and brought it to her face, leaning into it. "Please forgive me." She said. "I wanted to spend my last days believing we could be together. I was wrong, but I didn't know what else to do.

"I can imagine the pain you've been through." She continued. "Pain like that changes people drastically. If you need time to adjust, to think this out, I understand. Just please…" her emerald eyes implored him, but she couldn't finish the sentence. "There's no point to another life without you."

He exhaled abruptly, looking down at her. She wasn't contrite or ashamed, nothing so out of character. But she was open, freely offering her life back to him. He had seen hints of this before, but now her reservations were gone, burnt away in her rebirth.

James leaned forward and spoke with harsh intensity. "If you think," he began, "that you're getting away from me now, you're fuckin' crazy, lady. I told you already, I'm _never_ letting go."

Shepard smiled, her eyes bright as her face filled with happiness. He hadn't ever seen a look like that on her face, not even when he'd asked her to marry him. She had cried then and he had wondered at her sadness. There was no trace of it now.

As he leaned in to kiss her, he knew that this time, they really would be together forever. She put her arms around his neck, never looking from his eyes as he pulled her into his powerful embrace. Their lips met and they both gasped and pressed harder into one another, as if the kiss was the source of breath.

Their sparks met and entwined in that small cabin, their passion as hot as a supernova, truly together for the first time as they brought each other back to life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also check out my other two FemShep/Vega stories, "The Shepard Vega Chronicles" and "The One That Got Away".


End file.
